Rantswers® 5.1

I had such an amazing response to the Rantswers 5.0® this month that I’ll have to break this down into three Rantswer® posts.  If you don’t see your question and response immediately, check back the next day!

Twindaddy : What makes Ramen noodles so fucking good?

Magic Fucking Dust.  Also, awesomesauce is involved, and some flavors have essence of bacon.  More scientifically, it’s because there’s no actual food in Ramen, much like Cheez-Its and Cheetos.

Christopher De Voss: Do you kick butt at the board game Risk? You know, being in the military and all…

Surprisingly, no, because in the end it all comes down to luck while rolling the dice.  Also, I never fucking get ANYTHING in Australia.  Axis and Allies is a bit more realistic.  However, the military game I’m best at is “Make slides until I say stop,” usually on the receiving end of the authority relationship… pointing… clicking…

Fearless Leader: Does the United States Army award “Taint Stain” badges to enlisted men or must one be an officer to achieve Taint Staindom? As a civilian and taxpayer, I’d like to know just where my Taint Stain tax dollars go.

Rest assured, your assraping taxation goes to good use here.  Only Officers may be awarded the Taint Stain badge for “Dubious and conspicuous asshattery and intrepidity in the face of overwhelming common sense.”  Usually only awarded to very senior decision makers, I’ve managed to accumulate two of these. Not surprisingly, the medal resembles your gravatar… no pejorative association intended!

thelifeofjamie: 1. Can you accurately describe the inner workings of John E’s twisted mind? No is an unacceptable answer.  2. How do you solve a problem like Maria?  3. If you could only choose one person to spend the rest of your life with in paradise (and you’d be independently wealthy, so no dependence on others) who would it be- Donald Trump, Chris Christie, or Paul Ryan?  4. Was your last sentence about email/late entries was referring to me? If so, I haven’t been derided callously in some time.

One – John’s mind is inscrutable but I’ve learned that if you are on the same meds as he is, there is some limited understanding.  Two – This requires careful consideration.  How do you hold a moonbeam down, or catch a cloud and pin it down?  Ideally, you throw her ass into GTA 5 and let the gamers use her.  Three – My picture of paradise involves none of those… gentlemen… and instead involves Sofia Vergara.  Four – yes, and thank you for managing to follow instructions for once, snowflake.

Why do they sterilize the needle before a lethal injection?  Whos bright idea was it to have an ‘S’ in lisp?  They say when you eat skittles you can ‘taste the rainbow’.. Has someone licked a rainbow?

First – probably to protect states against frivolous lawsuits our suit-happy system seems to encourage, and of course ‘just in case.’ Because zombies.  Second – I’m pretty sure some sadistic guy with a keen sense of schadenfreude came up with ‘lisp’… someone like me.  Third – I personally have no idea what rainbows taste like but I’m pretty sure someone here in blogland has actually done that.  I defer to those who rim unicorns.

That’s all for now.  As I said, check back tomorrow and then the next day for more awesomesauce!


30 Responses to “Rantswers® 5.1”

  1. Obviously, my in-depth and probing question will be awaiting your Rantswer another day…until then, my friend. Stay warm and may the fires of the bbq be forever burning. Dammit, now I’m hungry.

  2. It is the Quest for Knowledge that keeps me coming back to your Fine Military Blog.

    Thanks for answering my inquiry regarding Taint Staindom in the United States Army.

    If any branch of the US Military would like to use my avatar as the model for an Achievement in Taint Staining Badge, I can be bought.

    I am a Patriot, but I am a capitalist as well.

    I am a firm believer in Money over Honor.

    Money buys blow, hookers and Corvettes. Honor? Not so much.

    I’m just sayin’.

  3. Mmmmmm……..Cheetos….

  4. Please tell us who the unicorn rimmer is!!!

  5. I approve your answer.

  6. Snappy insightful – useful even – answers as usual!
    (Ramen noodles not dusted with rainbows…I was so wrong)

  7. I must say, this group of Ranstwers seemed a bit subdued. Are you sure this is BrainRants & not some ass-hat masquerading as him?

  8. I think I may have just learned more from you than I did in my last year of college.

  9. Cheez-Its…possibly one of the best tasting non-foods ever…Very illuminating Rantswers.

  10. AmberJayde Says:

    Ohhhh.. So thats how zombies manifest.. Next time there is a rainbow, im setting up a rainbow licking expedition.

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