Yellow Snow

I think it was Archon who gave us the gentle yet dead-blow hammer reminder lately to not eat yellow snow.  Maybe it was Frosty the SnowMan… or both.  Later on, Erickson demonstrated why, though that excursion might have been due to lack of meds,  asshattery, or both.

I’m not opposed to pissing in snow, or for John Snow knowing nothing… other than being pissed on by his life.  Because George R. R. Martin.  Poor fictional bastard… John Snow, not G.R.R.M, BTW.  I wish I wrote like him, but sadly I do not. Anyway…

This Ranty® screed is about pissing, and more specifically, pissing outside.  Why do I have to bitch about this?  Other than the fucking fact that my entire blog  is about Ranting® on everything?  Gotcha there, didn’t I?   On to the point…

As much as I want the fucking Canadians to keep their arctic, ball-shriveling weather to themselves, those overly-polite bastards are still ruining their chance at being the 51st state by deluging my house with subzero fucking air.  Dammit.  Needless to say, this oversharing has caused solid-form water to precipitate out of the air over us.  This means snow. Snow means I get the ass.

I get the ass because I drink a lot of fucking beer.  Follow me here, I know – it’s convoluted.  Anyway, snow happens all over the damn place here, coating the Earth like some frozen, icy money-shot.  I have to go and scrape off ice and God-spoo from my sidewalks and that means piles of the white shit up against my house.  Against my house in one very particular place.

The spot I’m talking about happens to be perfectly sheltered from visual contact (i.e.,you can’t fucking see it) when the sun is down.  This means, especially in winter, that I can piss there freely when outside.  I am outside – even in Canadian ball-shriveling cold – to do two major functions:

1. Smoke a cigarette, because it’s less painful on my broke knees to go outside and have my balls retreat up to my heart than totter down to the basement.

2. Grill dead animal flesh.  Beer consumption happens during this ritual, which generates urine, albeit watered-down urine.

In the end, I have business outside and no place to… deposit it.  My conundrum – to tie back to the opening – is yellow snow.  I cannot let fly with my better-than-rainbow-unicorn-piss stream and color the snow piles against my house because someone – maybe a lowly Private, or perhaps our Three-Star-General – might happen to be walking past my digs and see the huge yellow stain on my house.  Too huge, I’d add, to write off as some passerby who just couldn’t bear to punch his own junk and make the pee pee tide recede.

The good news is, there’s a solution…

Drink tons more beer. Your piss comes out white as my own untanned ass and therefore will not show up on new snow.  Or old snow, for that matter.

Problem solved.


53 Responses to “Yellow Snow”

  1. Frank Zappa’s mind….blown!

  2. Or you could shovel the snow to some other place…

  3. I like your solution. Sorry for the ball-busting Canadian air. Sorry sorry sorry. We like to apologize up here, as our testicles shrivel in the next gust of wind. I don’t even know how we breed, but statistics show that we get our Canadian women pregnant during the winter over any other season.

    Our simple solution to pissing in the snow is to drink only Canadian beer, made from the finest glacial waters. It might taste a little like piss, but it comes out looking like gold.

  4. I just loved that this has a happy ending.

  5. HA! Important information for beach goers/ or sailboats.
    Alls well that ends well.

  6. What a long and convoluted way to say you’re too lazy to hold it and walk inside to pee. We don’t have that problem here…it’s been 75 degrees or higher for the past two weeks. 😉

  7. “frozen, icy money-shot”.
    Not sure I’ll ever go outside when it’s snowing again.

  8. “God-spoo”. That is all.

  9. I’m so glad this polite Canadian could send a little of our frigid weather your way – it will make you appreciate whatever your winter weather usually is much more! Not sure this would have been my solution to this problem – I might have thought of making sure there was some type of container available outside as a receptacle for said urine. If this receptacle got full before the snow melted, it could easily be transported back into the domicile & dumped into a toilet or judiciously sprinkled around in far lesser quantities over a greater area. But of course these are the solutions of a polite Canadian.

  10. Reason 1,298,074 to drink more beer. Highs are going to be 10 below zero, starting Monday. Off to the store now to buy more…you guessed it!

  11. What’s wrong with a guy marking his territory? Doesn’t everybody? Just get that pale ass to a beach and you can get it tanned and make yellow sand, instead.

  12. You are like Shakespeare. “God-spoo” Making words for just the right moment.

  13. I wouldn’t mention yellow snow, ’cause I’ve got couth. Musta was that Frosty guy. Fifteen less beer, and youlda been sure. 😉

  14. whiteladyinthehood Says:

    If it gets any more frigid, you might be out there pissing ice cycles!

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