Random Thought #62
I am God’s chew toy.
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I am God’s chew toy.
This entry was posted on December 23, 2013 at 14:15 and is filed under Awesome, Humor, Official Random Thought, Random with tags chew toy, humor, random, random thought, rant, WTF. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
BrainRants
December 23, 2013 at 14:16
Hey, that’s my title. Way to claim credit for my accomplishments asshole. Glory hound…
December 23, 2013 at 14:18
Have you already published this?
December 23, 2013 at 14:20
No, but I have a notarized letter from the Big Man Upstairs certifying I am his Official Chew Toy (copyright pending)…
December 23, 2013 at 14:24
Forgive me if I don’t believe you.
December 23, 2013 at 14:27
What, you don’t believe in a capricious higher power who changes his tune according to what his believers want?
Me neither. 🙂
December 23, 2013 at 14:46
I believe I’m not smart enough to form clear thoughts on the subject.
December 23, 2013 at 15:12
That’s a crock of horseshit if I’ve ever heard one. You possess adequate mental faculties to discuss the subject. You possess common sense. That’s all you really need.
December 23, 2013 at 15:20
Thank you! But I’d look like an idiot espousing disbelief in god in the comments of a post I’d just claimed to be the chew toy of said creator. Or Universal Ordering Force. Or whatever.
Live long, and prosper.
December 23, 2013 at 15:37
You didn’t specify said god. Could be Vishnu for all we know…
December 23, 2013 at 16:21
Or Mars… or Aries… 🙂
December 23, 2013 at 15:39
Oh Rants, just admit it, you’re worried that if you claim to not believe in God, you’d have to admit to believing in me. And even I don’t believe in me. So go ahead and believe in God – I promise not to strike you down. Probably. 😉
December 23, 2013 at 16:20
Oh, I know you’re real.
December 23, 2013 at 16:03
Well I’ll be damned. We dragged Erickson out of his hidey-hole…
December 23, 2013 at 16:19
He’s like that Pennsylvania rodent…
December 23, 2013 at 16:20
I take offense to that…some PA rodents are lovable…actually no, who am I kidding? This state sucks.
December 23, 2013 at 16:22
Do you go to school near Philly?
December 23, 2013 at 16:42
Son, compared to Ohio, PA wouldn’t make a good Dustbuster. NASA recently rated Coshocton County as the third strongest black hole it has observed, based on suckiness. 😉 😀
December 23, 2013 at 17:02
No offense John, but I rate Ohio lower than PA. Not because of you. You’re the only thing keeping it in the top 50.
December 23, 2013 at 17:07
Um .. the point WAS to put Ohio lower than PA. Unless you’re rating “Worst”, then OH is WAY up there. I think we’re tied with Somalia right now …. or is it South Sudan?
December 24, 2013 at 00:19
No, dude. Of all 50 states, Ohio is #55 on my list. Not because of you.
December 24, 2013 at 13:16
So Ohio is #55, eh? Thanks for thinking me awesome enough to raise an entire state 3 or 4 places.
December 24, 2013 at 14:45
Just for you, John. Because you’re special.
December 24, 2013 at 16:21
Good special, or short bus special? Wait, don’t answer that, I think I know which one. (Thank goodness I look good in yellow! 😉 )
December 24, 2013 at 19:49
Yes.
December 23, 2013 at 16:26
Not even close. I go to school closer to Elmira actually. I intend to get my Ph.D after undergrad in any state EXCEPT Pennsylvania…
December 23, 2013 at 16:31
Ok. My son – close to your age (ahem) – goes to school in Philly.
December 23, 2013 at 16:49
Really? He goes to a college in Philly? Temple? Drexel? UPenn? I know people from them even if I don’t go to them.
December 23, 2013 at 17:03
Drexel. Yeah, I’m proud.
December 23, 2013 at 17:09
So, are you shopping for a stand-in grandad for the boy? ‘Cause I’d have a GREAT suggestion for ya. Ready?
Archon!
Admit it, I had you really sweating there for a minute!
December 24, 2013 at 00:20
I’d let Archon do that.
December 23, 2013 at 20:50
You should be proud. Damn good school. I wanted UPenn myself but money-wise it wasn’t ever going to happen. Sadly.
December 24, 2013 at 00:22
Sorry that was out of your grasp. I’m sure you’re doing well where you are.
December 24, 2013 at 02:14
Eh. Still wanted UPenn. I’m hard to please.
December 24, 2013 at 09:33
Don’t sweat it, Elite.
December 24, 2013 at 05:45
Leaving in three days for Ohio. Cleveland, specifically. Thanks, so much, for making the upcoming trip seem so worthwhile. Really looking forward to it now.
December 24, 2013 at 09:34
You’re welcome?
December 24, 2013 at 10:02
I think the Exile was more ranting in Erickson’s direction. 😉
December 24, 2013 at 12:41
Probably…
December 23, 2013 at 14:18
We all are.
December 23, 2013 at 14:21
At least I’m a rawhide one, with the knots in each end, right?
December 23, 2013 at 14:24
If that is the king of chew toys, then yes.
December 23, 2013 at 14:26
Perhaps. I meant I’m a tough hard-case that has knobby protuberances. Shit like that.
December 23, 2013 at 14:34
You know how you get the squeaky toy and you think it’s the best thing ever? And then the dog just squeaks and squeaks and squeaks that damn thing and you think, “Man, I’m not really into this squeaky toy anymore.” But you stay with the squeaky toy, because even though it’s irritating and annoying, at least it’s familiar. Then one day the squeaky toy is missing and you’re sad, even heartbroken. Even though that squeaky toy wasn’t the best fit at least it was a constant. At first your like, “I will never have another squeaky toy again!” But if you sit back and really think about it, the squeaky toy wasn’t working out anyway. So give it some time, let the days take it’s course…and it will take time. Before you know it, there will be an even better dog toy, one that’s not so squeaky, one that won’t get so slobbery, and you will be happier. I have experience on this.
December 23, 2013 at 14:48
Oh, yeah. So it’s like meth.
December 23, 2013 at 14:48
Exactly.
December 23, 2013 at 15:06
🙂
December 23, 2013 at 14:21
I am God’s discarded chew toy…you are a worthy replacement.
December 23, 2013 at 14:25
Sadly, I think his… uh, His Goddish powers allow him to chew all his toys at once. 11-dimensional being and such, you know.
December 23, 2013 at 14:25
Better than being his fuck-toy, I suppose….
either way, hope you have a merry christmas, and a great year to come, Rants.
December 23, 2013 at 14:29
Guapo, great point as always. And better than being on the receiving end of His… whatever. Best wishes to you and the awesome Lady Guapa.
December 23, 2013 at 14:26
It ain’t easy bein’ bacon-flavored.
December 23, 2013 at 14:29
At least I’m that!
December 23, 2013 at 14:31
I think we all feel that way from time to time. Or all the time. Except when we’re drunk. And sometimes even then.
December 23, 2013 at 14:47
Me drunk is a perfect opportunity for a big ol’ chomp or two.
December 23, 2013 at 14:47
Well, at least you won’t feel it then…
December 23, 2013 at 15:05
Hear, hear!
December 23, 2013 at 14:46
I suddenly understand why I’m in so much pain all the time…
December 23, 2013 at 14:48
Large, supernatural teeth hurt.
December 23, 2013 at 14:50
Sigh. There goes the last thread of hope I’ve been clinging to for so long…
December 23, 2013 at 15:05
*snap*
December 23, 2013 at 15:19
Right idea, wrong end. Why do you think I have such affinity for trees – from which paper is made? 😉
And a Merry to you and the guests at Casa Del Rants. May your White Christmas get no whiter! 😀
December 23, 2013 at 16:18
Thank you, John. You are awesomesauce.
December 23, 2013 at 16:14
Reblogged this on richkellyblog and commented:
Living in a house with 5 dogs, I could not agree more.
December 23, 2013 at 16:22
Thanks for the reblog!
December 23, 2013 at 17:55
I’m new to blogging, and you’re more or less a superstar. And I don’t want to come off crude. But chew toy is an understatement. 2013 felt like God fucked me in the ass without lube.
I’m going to use that on my own blog – while accepting my Sunshine award.
Chew on, sir! I love all things Canadian!
December 23, 2013 at 18:46
From somebody who has blogged for a while, but is nowhere near a superstar, I’ll put it this way. The Preparation H is on the top shelf. The tube of Lidocaine gel (the painkiller) is one shelf down. Welcome to life! 😀
December 23, 2013 at 18:53
Thanks, John. I’ll take advice from anyone more seasoned than me, which is just about everyone. I just want 2013 to end. In fact, I’m celebrating New Year’s Eve a night early. Get me out of this year!
December 23, 2013 at 19:04
If ya don’t tell anyone, I’ll celebrate it with ya tomorrow! Shoot – I’ll pop for the bubbly! (And I can’t drink alcohol due to my meds, so that should show you my level of desperation. 😉 )
December 23, 2013 at 19:20
Who is John Erickson, and why is he commenting with me on BrainRants blog? Must,,,go,,,to…his..blog….now…
December 23, 2013 at 21:41
Oh, my Lord, for the love of humanity, NOOOOOO!!! Don’t do it! DON’T DO IT! (Hey, ya gotta love a blogger who tries to steer people AWAY from his site! I’m just not sure you’re ready for the level of …. how do I put this politely …. Three Stooges-like insanity you’ll find there. And the profound deep thoughts – though there are a LOT fewer of those…. 😉 )
December 24, 2013 at 00:21
WHAT deep thoughts?
December 24, 2013 at 13:19
You know, thoughts I have. While in deep water, or snow. Or shit. Or headfirst into the Vicodin bottle.
December 24, 2013 at 14:46
Wheeeee!
December 24, 2013 at 00:23
JE comments with everyone. He never takes his meds. Sorry in advance.
December 24, 2013 at 00:26
Please send aforementioned meds, and all will be forgiven:
Samara Rose
Anal Pore, NJ
United States of America
December 24, 2013 at 00:35
Yay! Jersey Girls!
December 24, 2013 at 03:27
You likey? Really?
The badass accent? The big hair? The fake boobs? The expensive clothes that manage to look cheap? The fake year round skin cancer tans?
December 24, 2013 at 09:35
Like Snooki?
December 24, 2013 at 00:24
Meds… key term, John. Key… fucking… term.
December 24, 2013 at 13:17
Hey, if it weren’t for the meds, I wouldn’t be so dang entertaining!
December 24, 2013 at 14:45
Results vary on that.
December 24, 2013 at 00:25
JE is more than seasoned. He’s more like leather. In the desert. With salt rime.
December 24, 2013 at 00:27
John, you blogged in cuneiform on clay wads.
December 24, 2013 at 13:21
No, that was back when I THOUGHT I could write poetry. And it was some REAL crap, lemme tell ya. Better the clay turned to mud.
December 24, 2013 at 14:46
Poetry? Seriously?
December 24, 2013 at 16:23
Well, feeble attempts thereat. Most of it was pretty horrific – thankfully, I lost the notebook they were in years ago. Though I did have a good one about steam trains – “white steam and wood smoke”. Always liked that bit…..
December 24, 2013 at 19:51
Sounds drug-related.
December 24, 2013 at 20:53
Actually, they pre-date my headaches. And post-date my alcoholism. So I was clean and sober – hence the weapons-grade suckitude. 😀
December 25, 2013 at 07:03
Ouch.
December 24, 2013 at 00:27
Samara: “…God fucked me in the ass without lube…” .. you, dear bloggie, are awesomesauce.
December 24, 2013 at 00:32
You’re too kind! And I still can’t sit –
I’m done with this year – time to move on!
December 24, 2013 at 00:36
Get one of those inflatable donuts to sit on. It helps.
December 24, 2013 at 03:28
You say donut, I get hungry. Yum.
Now I wanna go bite some one in the ass. I need a big piece of ass fleshy. it’s 4:28 in the am. Even the hookers are sleeping.
December 24, 2013 at 09:36
Zzzzz…
December 24, 2013 at 03:56
I would put you in the Kong category for chew toys Rants! My Bandit used to destroy a giant kong in no time even though they are made extra tough & durable for rottweilers! I picture you as tough & durable & made to last for a very long time! Merry Christmas to you & Mama Rants! (& your son if he’s coming home for Christmas)
December 24, 2013 at 09:37
Thanks, Benze!
December 24, 2013 at 05:50
Just LOOK at all this comment traction you’re getting out of a lousy FIVE WORD POST! I’ve never seen anything like it. Well done, man. You know how to push the collective button.
December 24, 2013 at 09:38
And just think – I can’t even read.
December 24, 2013 at 08:46
Dear Little-Pant-Rants,
I was going to skip my letter to you this year, but you seem in dire need of my Christmas Cheer! (and when Archon takes over my job next year, God knows the only thing he’ll come down the chimney and put in our stockings is a bunch of hot air) Ho.Ho.Ho.
So, I will appeal to your inner child, the one that still cherishes Fred and his Mama and boobs and bacon. I hope you have a peaceful New Year.
p.s.
I heard about the Dixie Cup tragedy…so, I’m enclosing a pack of Solo Cups (they are great for keg parties)
Sincerely,
Santa
December 24, 2013 at 09:38
Archon as Santa? I’m scared.
December 24, 2013 at 10:48
No, no, Archon is FROSTY. See?
http://heellisgoa.com/2013/12/24/interview-with-frosty-the-snowman/
December 24, 2013 at 12:42
I see what you did right there… wicked awesome.
December 26, 2013 at 13:11
Thanx WLITH for the plug and the link. I regain consciousness just in time to find that JE is making free with my free time, again. First he wants me to adopt him, now he wants me to watch over your kid like the beneficent Deity I am. No problem! At least one of those duties I’d be glad to assume. I could handle both of them with my eyes closed….which is good, ’cause it’s nap time again. 😉
December 26, 2013 at 16:47
You do know JE was off his meds, right?
December 26, 2013 at 17:34
Sigh. I keep telling you, I was on too MUCH medication, not too little. Trust me, you would recognise the difference in an instant!
December 26, 2013 at 18:32
Whatever you say.
December 26, 2013 at 20:36
And in related news, water is still wet, and the sky is blue (When it’s not snowing.) Yeah, he danced through my site sprinkling Pixie Dust and bovine fecal matter. 😉
December 27, 2013 at 05:29
No worries!