Oh F*cking Canada!

So after about five-thousand hours of working my Army day job plus my other hamster wheel activities, I finally see some light at the end of the do-loop tunnel and what is it?  It is this:

CANADA CLAIMS THE NORTH POLE

Holy motherfucking shit.  I can see this now… Kayjai and Archon, to name just two Cañadians, will up and stake out massive tracts of land (nod to Monty) on which they will raise… snow.  Fuck.  Like we need more snow.  All right, all blasphemy against my Canuck blogbuddies aside, here’s what I know:

The Canadian Prime Minister said, “We are determined to ensure that all Canadians benefit from the tremendous resources that are to be found in Canada’s far north,” through his spokesbitch.  Because I’m geographically awesome, I know that if Cañada claims the North Pole, they’ll basically secure a whole lot of fucking salty water for the thirsty Canadians waiting to make the #2 beer in the world (to Coors Light).  Okay, eh, you win.

After consultation with Queen Elizabeth’s (yeah, the British chick) Governor (of … uhm, Canada), Prime Minister Harper said via his spokes-hole that, “(I do) not want to be the prime minister seen publicly as having surrendered the North Pole, even if the scientific facts don’t support a Canadian claim.”  Yeah, that.

Exactly.  What is there to claim, dude?  Fish?  Ice?  An assloaded fuck-ton of snow?  Have at it.  The article I read noted several times that no other nation on Earth had yet to claim the North Pole.  Strippers (god love ’em) aside, poles need attention.  I can only assume that Cañada will next announce that they’ll construct between three and five aircraft carriers with two squadrons each of fighter jets to “secure” this stripper pole.  A pole, I’d note, that if American Libtard fear-mongers are correct, will sink into a deep ocean of globally-warmed salt water… “EVEN BEFORE I GET ANOTHER ERECTION,” to quote Harry Reid (D, NV).

Russian on-again, off-again, President/Despot for life said, “Nyet,” when presented with Canada’s claim.  Although he has no desire to annex the Pole for Russia, he was willing to claim strippers and to remove his shirt and ride a Siberian wolf.  He later mated with it for cameras, not realizing it was a male wolf.  Not to be outdone, President Obama loosened his tie and said, “C-A-N-A-D-A, that spells cold.”

I think the plot cannot thicken much more here.  Clearly, Canada is out to corner the market on Santa Claus.  Eh?  Yeah, eh.  This is Archon’s ulterior motive, and plainly explains his attempt at a beard, so very obvious in his gravatar.  His evil arch-buddy?  You know who I’m referring to – the sometime-anonymous, othertimes-not Kayjai.  So mysterious and similar to Mrs. Claus.  I find it amazing that people from the deep, 20-below backwoods of Cañada could exert that kind of control over a world sortaPower from within.

I only hope they keep brewing beer.

They can stop with the pretend ‘bacon.’