Oh F*cking Canada!

So after about five-thousand hours of working my Army day job plus my other hamster wheel activities, I finally see some light at the end of the do-loop tunnel and what is it?  It is this:

CANADA CLAIMS THE NORTH POLE

Holy motherfucking shit.  I can see this now… Kayjai and Archon, to name just two Cañadians, will up and stake out massive tracts of land (nod to Monty) on which they will raise… snow.  Fuck.  Like we need more snow.  All right, all blasphemy against my Canuck blogbuddies aside, here’s what I know:

The Canadian Prime Minister said, “We are determined to ensure that all Canadians benefit from the tremendous resources that are to be found in Canada’s far north,” through his spokesbitch.  Because I’m geographically awesome, I know that if Cañada claims the North Pole, they’ll basically secure a whole lot of fucking salty water for the thirsty Canadians waiting to make the #2 beer in the world (to Coors Light).  Okay, eh, you win.

After consultation with Queen Elizabeth’s (yeah, the British chick) Governor (of … uhm, Canada), Prime Minister Harper said via his spokes-hole that, “(I do) not want to be the prime minister seen publicly as having surrendered the North Pole, even if the scientific facts don’t support a Canadian claim.”  Yeah, that.

Exactly.  What is there to claim, dude?  Fish?  Ice?  An assloaded fuck-ton of snow?  Have at it.  The article I read noted several times that no other nation on Earth had yet to claim the North Pole.  Strippers (god love ’em) aside, poles need attention.  I can only assume that Cañada will next announce that they’ll construct between three and five aircraft carriers with two squadrons each of fighter jets to “secure” this stripper pole.  A pole, I’d note, that if American Libtard fear-mongers are correct, will sink into a deep ocean of globally-warmed salt water… “EVEN BEFORE I GET ANOTHER ERECTION,” to quote Harry Reid (D, NV).

Russian on-again, off-again, President/Despot for life said, “Nyet,” when presented with Canada’s claim.  Although he has no desire to annex the Pole for Russia, he was willing to claim strippers and to remove his shirt and ride a Siberian wolf.  He later mated with it for cameras, not realizing it was a male wolf.  Not to be outdone, President Obama loosened his tie and said, “C-A-N-A-D-A, that spells cold.”

I think the plot cannot thicken much more here.  Clearly, Canada is out to corner the market on Santa Claus.  Eh?  Yeah, eh.  This is Archon’s ulterior motive, and plainly explains his attempt at a beard, so very obvious in his gravatar.  His evil arch-buddy?  You know who I’m referring to – the sometime-anonymous, othertimes-not Kayjai.  So mysterious and similar to Mrs. Claus.  I find it amazing that people from the deep, 20-below backwoods of Cañada could exert that kind of control over a world sortaPower from within.

I only hope they keep brewing beer.

They can stop with the pretend ‘bacon.’

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72 Responses to “Oh F*cking Canada!”

  1. It’s just to lay claim Santa and make everyone else pay to use him. Tricky Canadians!

  2. It’s the quiet ones ya gotta watch ooot for, eh?

  3. Oh yeah. I’m the Queen of all things Christmas. And wine. So we get the North Pole!?!? Fucking awesome, I say. Me and Archon are assembling our army (2 guys with beer guts and a penchant for crossbows) and the one boat we have for the navy. We need protection, yo!

  4. whiteladyinthehood Says:

    The Grumpy Dude wants to be Santa? God help us all.

  5. Reblogged this on H.E. ELLIS and commented:
    Everything is better in Canada!

  6. “Cañada” – awesome upgrade! I’m feeling warmer already…

  7. NotAPunkRocker Says:

    Here, here! Stop calling that anemic ham “bacon”.

  8. Hey, if global warming hits, the North Pole will be the new Riviera.
    (That’s why Canadians speak French.)
    (Tricky bastards.)

  9. I guess the next question is…will Santa be gay or French Canadian?

  10. I’m sorry… I just can’t stay mad at those Canadians… they are just too cute…

  11. Twindaddy Says:

    I’m a bit baffled by your attempted censorship of the most beautiful word in the English language in your title. What the f*ck is that aboot, eh??

  12. Canada can have the North Pole. It’s not even a fixed point, for crying out loud. And it doesn’t have penguins. The South Pole is where it’s at, baby.

  13. I feel as though I should ‘represent’ but in keeping with my polite Canadian’ness I would hate to call you a hoser – you don’t strike me as one yet – so buddy guy will have to do.

    The Russians planted a flag on the arctic circle ocean floor a couple years back so it an international game of CTBBF (Capture the Big Fucking Flag) we had to make a move. So what were we to do buddy guy? My prime minister can not pull off going topless.

    This will mark the first time in Canadian history that our government will use it’s might to protect the rights of its Arctic Peoples and not fuck’em over completely: yes we have people that live up there eh.

    When really it is about shipping passage… you would think Russia and Canada could agree to piss off China and the USA together just because they could but would you want to be posted at the Arctic circle naval barricade? There are big ass polar bears out there man and no women!

  14. As the duly appointed Canadian Minister of Bland, I have to insist that we, as Canadians, resemble your remarks. We have no need to usurp Santa Claus, since the gaily-caparisoned, alternately-gendered Frogophone has always been a proud citizen of the whitest nation in the free world.

    He has long been the Plenipotentiary Ambassador to the World for Frivolity and Conspicuous Consumption from the Great Dominion of Canadia. He reports directly to our esteemed Prime Minister, Madame KayJai, and the Inuit deity, Ug-Puk-Luk, which means, “He Who Writes His Name on Water With a Dull Nail.”

    We would welcome a visit by you and your hard currency, where we can discuss the trade deficit, and poutine. Unless the dogs on your sled-team have long legs, we suggest any such visit be delayed until early spring, say July 25 to August 7.

    We thank you for your (or anybody’s) interest in our geographical sovereignty.

    Archon
    AKA: The Power behind the Throne

  15. Really? Really? You never remember I am Canadian! And that we make the best beer in North America! And wonderful back bacon (as well as regular bacon!) And don’t forget the DEW line from the Cold War. Where we Canadians protected you Americans from the big bad Russians? Of course we should have the North Pole, we protected it for a lot of years!

  16. I can’t believe you didn’t put this together….Le Clown is in Canada last I heard. I’m pretty sure he is behind this. In fact, next year I wouldn’t be surprised if Santa shows up with a big red nose that will put Rudolph’s to shame.

  17. Probably just a scam to corner the snow cone industry.

  18. During this beautiful season for Giving, why do you use the F word so blithely I wonder. Could this be because you intend to give something of your frustrations away?

    Merry Christmas, Ol’ Chap.

    Shakti

  19. Dude. The North Pole is where we Canadians keep our beer. It’s our national refrigerator. Don’t get between us and our beer!

  20. watch out for us…we only pretend to be nice…as for claiming the North Pole, didn’t we already own the thing? Don’t piss off a Canadian…or even worse, a Newfie!

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