Where The F*ck Is Rants?

I’ve had a lot of kind notes and comments from The Blogosphere asking me exactly what the actual fuck my problem is, and why the fuck I’m not posting.  After about fifty of these questions, the idea sunk in: people wanted to know what is up with me.  Yes, it requires a 2×4 to get my attention.  In a survival situation, a thick skull can be a game-winner.

So here’s what’s up with me and my life:

Divorce – I am now divorced.  This turned into a circus of epic proportions after I fired the lawyer.  Life Lesson Learned: Lawyers are just assholes like you and me who conspicuously consumed an education on how to write documents with fruity-ass language.  This process required over four months and began the day after I stepped off the airplane from Afghanistan.

Move – With task Number One above out of the way, nothing stood in the way of long-standing plans to move Mama Rants in with me.  No more worrying about the creeping crack house boundary in her neighborhood.  Also, no worrying about Mama Rants on a ladder pruning trees with a chain saw.  The Big Move goes down this weekend.  Update may follow.  Or it may not.

My Shit – The Army loves to check on things.  This means I’ve been compelled (forced) to endure probes and lights and sensors in a variety of orifices to ensure that I’ve returned from Afghanistan intact.  Sadly, none of the devices measures how mentally fucked up ongoing, unending, soul-crushing stress can make a person.  Plus, I’ve apparently turned my shoulder joints into something resembling Christmas bows, and we’re still probing to figure out what the lumpy thing is in my gut.  This is now important to document, along with my cataclysmically-worn-out feet, before I have to retire… because the Army’s seen fit to not promote me any further.  Not that I’m bitter – it’s sort of a liberating blessing in the form of an icy, barb-wire sex toy up your ass.

Finding My Ranty Self – If you think that’s enough, I’ll add that one or two days was devoted to getting blind, piss-fucking-drunk.  On purpose.  You call it substance abuse, but in my world this is therapy.  I’ll also add that I picked up a hobby in Afghanistan: I’m writing.  I’m not writing blogs – I’m writing books.  More to follow on this note, but thanks to all of you (all y’all, plural form, in Texan) for allowing me to warm up on you for over two years.

How am I?  Actually, I’m fucking great.  Following this weekend, I am intentionally down-powering the external demands on me.  In other words, I’m going to start saying ‘no’ to people.  In fact, it started with Mama Rants.  I said no to all Christmas decorating except the tree.  Even there, I informed her I’d set it up, put the lights on it (she’s maybe 5’1″), and then assist by giving advice.  Any further tree decorating, I promised her, would be done overhand and while drunk.

The next task on the horizon will be my final Army move.  No idea where, but like Winter, it’s coming.

86 Responses to “Where The F*ck Is Rants?”

  1. Thank you for the updates.

  2. Ps.. I vote for the. Upper Midwest. It is fucking cold and snowy.

  3. Rants –

    I’m not sure there’s enough crap on your plate. Might I suggest that in your oodles of spare time, you might want to figure out how to end world hunger or cure cancer? Or maybe you could knit some potholders.


    P.S. – I love that you have the words ass, bacon, beer, and zombie in your tags, but didn’t tag “divorce”….. a man’s gotta have his priorities 🙂

  4. Good that you finally posted but please spare me that pack of tired, old excuses.

    That, of course, was my stab at wry, dry humor. Please forgive if it didn’t work.

    You publish a book, I’ll read it. I’ll need a signed first edition, as well. That’s my thing.

    I visited Arlington National Cemetery last week. Thought of you and my past quasi-military years in the Coast Guard. I watched the changing of the guard at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier and found myself unexpectedly overwhelmed with emotion. I thought I was too cynical for that sort of thing but it washed over and buried me.

    Contrary to popular perception, doctors and lawyers are not deities. It’s a FACT.

  5. I think I’d like to hear more about this writing you speak of.

  6. Congratulations on the finalization of your divorce. I went through a divorce 4 years ago. Except for the emotional part of breaking ties with someone you’ve lived with for almost 10 years, it pretty much went off without a hitch. My ex and I had the same attorney — my suggestion. Sometimes I can be really stupid — too trusting Fortunately, I didn’t get screwed. He was a man of his word. Tragedy initially brought us together, and after the dust settled we realized we really had nothing much in common.

    Hope all works out for you with regard to your medical issues, and I wish you all the best on your book venture.

  7. Bitching about a D-I-V-O-R-C-E?

    What are you? A Navy Guy?

  8. NotAPunkRocker Says:

    I like your form of therapy. I need to do that more often.

    Saying no to people is the best thing I learned during my divorce, move, job change, etc.

    Keep on keeping on…

  9. Good move on it all, including the book writing. I’m trying as well…we will see how it goes…

  10. I was just thinking…where is Rants? So weird, you must have heard my wonder through your keen sense of telepathy.

    Writing is therapy. Glad to hear you are trying your hand at it. And Germany is quite nice most of the time. I can tell you that Africom and Eurocom are situated quite nicely in beautiful little burbs in the German countryside. And the beer is super cheap. What more could you ask for?

  11. A retired Rants with free time on his hands?!?

    May whatever gods we believe in have mercy on our souls…

  12. You a, want me to give the gravity dials another spin? Got some other switches over here, not quite sure what they do but I could flick a couple of ’em for ya. You know, just in case they deliver bacon, or beer, or both.

  13. The Elite of Just Alright Says:

    *fist bump* Just because. Hang tight there, Rants.

    I am also writing a book, so solidarity!

  14. I was wondering where you were, but didn’t email only because I figured you might have a lot of shit going on and didn’t want to add another thing to your inbox.

    I’m glad things you’re doing fucking great, though, all things notwithstanding. Mazel tov on finally being untethered, and the lawyers can fuck themselves. Glad to hear you’ll be saying “No” to people, and that Mama Rants will not have to be on ladders. The fact that the Army is not promoting you further, however, is FUBAR.

    YES to you writing a book! Fuck yes.

  15. Gosh- all I heard were excuses in that little rant. Don’t you know we own you and you must do what we say? You don’t get a day in your life choices…it’s up to the Rant’s Army.

    Seriously though- sorry about all your shit. That sucks, but at least it’s over and you can take care of Momma Rants. You’re a good son!

    I’ll see your shit and raise you some of my own shit (but I’ll email it since it’s shitty).

    May your new life start… RIGHT NOW!

  16. Man oh man, a sucky time for you Rants. Sorry.
    Re: military, speaking of more suck. I am an ex-army brat, I know how bad they can suck.
    Re: book… well hope it is nonfiction because I have a feeling that you couldn’t imagine anything more fascinating than your life has been.

  17. Wherever they send you, I hope there’ll be beer. If not, let us know and we’ll airdrop you a never-ending supply.

  18. I was about to say I’ll hope things will get better soon when I read that you actually feel great.
    So in that case, I hope you’ll keep on feeling great!

  19. Missed you Rants. Glad you’re back and the Mama Rant’s feasting can commence. When will you hear back from the army about your injuries and illness? Praying tothe baby jesus that it’s sooner than your retirement date.
    I gotta steal your addition to ‘Not that I’m Biter…’ Holy fuck I’m still laughing.
    Be well, Get well, Deep well

  20. Hey, Rants. Glad everything seems to be in some sort of order for you now. I know you’re not much of a talker, but if you ever need to vent, man, you know how to reach me.

  21. I hope this next stage in your life goes nice and smooth…looking forward to a book of yours.

  22. Thank whatever deity of the day you haven’t been deployed back to the suck! I have been worrying about you! I’m glad to hear you’re writing – I did a bit myself over November with NaNoWriMo where I got a little over 30,000 words done while fighting pneumonia, adverse drug reactions, etc.
    You sound like hubby with Christmas – he will bring the tree up from storage, set it up & put the lights on, then the rest of the decorating is up to me. This year I might be able to manage stringing garland around the tree but very little else since I can’t breathe every time I move. We’ll see. He actually remembered my birthday yesterday & got me flowers & a cake (only the 2nd time in 17 years!)
    Too bad you finally get Mama Rants settled & then you’re going to have to move again. Please don’t wait so long to post again!

  23. whiteladyinthehood Says:

    A lumpy thing in your gut? If you keep us updated about anything – I hope you tell us that turns out to be nothing, or we’ll alllll worry about you! (you have a lot of people in blogtown that care about what happens to ya!)
    I love the idea of you writing a book – no doubt it would be FANTASTIC!

  24. True that the US military has over 900 bases to choose from? Hope you draw the lucky straw.

  25. Congrats on all fronts, Rants – now that you are soon to have things squared away, you can get on with being your best. And maybe we can get our hands on more of Mama Rants’ recipes. Welcome to this new chapter of life – be refreshed and renewed. Alcohol has a way of swabbing away all the bacteria, doesn’t it?

  26. Waiting 40 years to get a divorce that should had happened by year 7 is even harder.
    Hang in there kiddo, all those positive saying are true if you can keep smiling.
    I’m planning a 200 mile plus backpacking trip that never could had happened had I stayed married. It took time but life is bright for me now.
    Old lady walking … Wheeee!

  27. Shimoniac has been keeping me up to date, but it was (past) time to stop around for an I-don’t-like “like.” Best of luck! 🙂

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