Rantswers® 4.1

I had a great response this month with my Rantswers® to be sure.  I think my advice – and abuse – is doing some real good for a few of my readers at least.  Here’s the first installment of the Fourth Month:

philosophermouseofthehedge: Pickles, Red onions, chili pepers – which picked if you can only have one?

Yes.  I eat virtually anything, but if I have to pick just one, chili peppers – they’re nature’s laxative.

Twindaddy: What is the difference between an answer and a Rantswer?

A mere answer is reasoned, researched, and presented with options and considerations. A Rantswer® is ranty, opinionated, insulting to the asker, and demeaning, as a Rantswer® ought to be. 

philosophermouseofthehedge: Seriously now. Recently one of the finalist for American Hero Dogs was a highly trained military dog that served many years then was handed over to the Afghan military and left with them. Later a UN force saw the dog, realized it was being mistreated and abused by the handlers. He managed to get to the right group and the dog shipped back to the US where it has been retired and adopted despite the health problems from the ill treatment. I know it costs to ship big equipment and stuff back here, but how do you feel about leaving valuable equipment and assets behind? You’ve been there – hard to get real info about it here.

I think it depends on the equipment.  I’d sooner leave an entire tank behind than a trained military working dog because the tank will just break down (the crew will never service the machinery).  The dog, however, will spiritually die from neglect.  Afghans don’t “do” dogs.

ddupre315: I’ve got nothing…

So my Rantswer® is, ‘Do any of us really have anything?’  Existentially, we do not.  We move through this life with what we feel are possessions, but what we have truly that we own outright are memories, pieces of knowledge, and experiences.

El Guapo: If it was so easy, would everyone really be doing it?

Like that classic lounge-y, ‘70’s song, does anybody really know what time it is?  Like D above, this is a tenuous issue.  What is easy?  Easy for Guapo?  Or easy for Rants?  And to bake your noodle, does it matter?  In the end, we live, we toil, and we die.  And nobody gives two rainbow fucks about it all.

Hippie Cahier: I’m moving books from home to my office and vice versa and it’s a more emotional exercise than any rational person would care to admit. I don’t have a Kindle and while there are times when I think , nay, know it would be convenient, there’s something about my print copies that I have a hard time parting with them.  You seem to like books. Do you have a strong opinion on Kindle versus hard copy?  Note that I included ‘nay,’ ‘versus,’ and two mentions of ‘hard,’ so take your pick: serious or humorous Rantswer.

Answer is: No, I prefer bound, hold-able, page-turn-able books.  Rantswer®:  Fuck e-readers.  Why should I worry about reading a book when it comes to whether or not some device’s BATTERY is charged?  Really?  For god’s sake, we’re driving over the precipice of doom as a society – one good meteor hit or EMP and simple shit like making toast will become the epitome of technical knowledge.  Fuck me… but not literally.

thelifeofjamie: 1. What’s your preference? Strawberry, grape, KY, or petroleum jelly? 2. What is sexy? Or better yet… What isn’t sexy?

Strawberry.  Sofia Vergara is sexy… I’d low crawl through broken glass and salt, naked, just to listen to her piss into a tin cup over a telephone.  Guh.

Melanie: A Marine, a Sailor, and a Soldier walk into a bar…what happens?

I’m assuming the Airman couldn’t hang to this point and is beat to a pulp in a gutter somewhere. So, the three walk into the bar and the Sailor immediately finds a boyfriend and disappears. The Marine and the Soldier drink everyone under the table, leaving them with shot glasses all over every flat surface between them.  The Marine says, “Promise me if I quit now, you won’t say anything,” and promptly passes out. The Army Soldier grins, belches, and mumbles, “Hell no, not a word,” and posts the video to YouTube.  He then goes to the fireplace (because the bar has one) and pokes the coals with his dick.

pieterk515: If nothing comes to mind and you press on and put it in a sentence, it is still nothing?

No, then it is something, captured in fleeting yet arranged electrons, possibly forever.  Cosmic, huh?  No, not really.  Just the irritating magic of the internets.

pieterk515: And do you like Demi Moore or Less?

Less, because a cougar-y as she is, she’s starting to look a bit leathery.  Most important, Ashton Kucher was inside that shit, and I’d as soon bang a used Bieber groupie.  Which means I’d rather die.

Christopher De Voss: In your opinion, the best war movie…

Hmm.  Patton is excellent.  Apocalypse Now is a bit overrated but very good.  The opening Normandy scene from Saving Private Ryan is so fucking accurate it’s terrifying to me…

addercatter: What do you think of me?

I think you’re a brilliant blogger with a persistent and awesome sense of humor. Seriously.

Tune in later this week for the second installment of my Fourth Rantswers®!

– – – – –

For past Rantswers®, click this sentence!

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70 Responses to “Rantswers® 4.1”

  1. Twindaddy Says:

    Ah, Rantswers are much better than answers then. It appears I’ve been giving Rantswers for quite a long time without even realizing it.

  2. I also like Black Hawk Down.

  3. Yes but she was awesome in Charlie’s Angels. No wait that’s Cameron Diaz and she was awesome in There’s something about Mary. Never mind.

  4. You don’t think Sofia is all boobs and hair? Or maybe that’s the appeal!

  5. Well thankfully the Marine will never get cold after he passes out because a tanker told me that Army Infantrymen are excellent spooners – after they stoke fires with their dicks of course.

  6. No incoming meteors toasting batteries and wireless! How would we keep up with Brainrants? (Pigeons are so messy to train…and if you’re hungry…)

  7. These are all great (R)an(t)swers, but your response to Melanie might be the funniest thing on the Internet.

  8. SOLDIER JOKE REPLY=HILARIOUS

  9. Very ranty! Army men – yum!

  10. “A Bridge Too Far” is an entertaining, somewhat accurate version of an incredible operation. “Das Boot” is pretty good, but also intense. And you have to love the opening of “Ryan” – there were a number of WW2 vets who walked out of it, including one poor guy who was helped out by friends after he broke down into tears at a screening our friends attended. Though I gotta throw a vote for “Dambusters” – a little known story, and very close to the truth. (I’m warming to “Red Tails”, as well, even if they DO feature that over-touted nag, the Mustang, and ignore the poor old Lightnings and Thunderbolts. I’ll refrain from mentioning “Sink The Bismarck”, even though it’s a true classic, ’cause I know what too much Navy talk does to ya. 😉 )

  11. whiteladyinthehood Says:

    You have a wicked sense of humor – don’t ever lose it! (liked your answer to – I’ve got nothing – that one was sweet and well thought out)

  12. My Pa (Normandy, Battle of the Bulge vet) never wanted to see Private Ryan; his own memories were hard enough without having something that realistic feeding the nightmare beast. For that reason, realism, it is my favorite, and I grew up watching war movies (and that TV series, The World at War) at his side.
    Rest in peace, Pa. Thanks for coming home.

  13. Hilarious and serious…all in one post of rantwers. You are awesomesauce.

  14. Awww thank you =^..^= Next time I’ll ask a question that will take more thought to rantswer… 😉

  15. yes but my memory is shit, so where does that leave me?

  16. I need to get a fireplace. I’d like to witness that feat. And not just to see penis.
    But really, I hope he didn’t piss in the fire. With all that alcohol in his system…yikes!

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