I was at the race track one day
And I had drunk much beer the night before
And I was late for the first race
But I parked, hustled in, and I could
Feel this beershit really coming on,
You know, not only coming on
But I had to hold the cheeks of my ass
Together while walking real fast from
The parking lot and through admissions
And toward and in the crapper.
Luckily, there was a stall and I got
My pants and shorts down real fast
And then it came: hot, glorious and
When I got up and wiped I looked down
And there was my wallet afloat
In all of it.
I dipped in, got it, flushed, got out
Of the stall, washed up, walked out,
Then stood in a corner and pulled
The bills out of my wallet: they
Were wet and they stank.
I heard the announcer say, “it is
Now one minute to post time.”
I wanted the 9 horse, I had this
Very strong feeling for the 9 horse.
I put the bills back in my wallet.
I didn’t know what to do.
Then the announcer said:
“they’re at the gate!”
I ran around the corner
Found a betting window
Pulled one of the bills out
Of my wallet and hollered:
“Ten to win on the 9 horse!”
The seller picked up the bill
And looked at it.
“Come on! Come on!” I said,
“It’s good, just a little wet,
What the shit!”
The seller looked at me,
Hit the button and I had
Then I went out and watched the
Race and the 9 horse ran
I remember a similar incident when Kelvin & I went to a trade show in Thunder Bay. There was a lot of drinking in the hospitality suite after the show. One of the guys went into the washroom & came out a while later in a panic because he had lost his fireman’s cell phone & hadn’t noticed until after he flushed. Another guy got the great idea of calling the cell phone & the guys got a kick out of following the ringing all the way to the septic tank!
It is interesting where people stash their cash. Women would reach into their bras and pull out bills, which also made me want to hurl chunks.. The line would have been drawn if anyone would have reached into their crotch.
You may choose from any of the three:
1) Stop smoking. It’s more dangerous than the other things you do – like driving a tank in a live-fire zone.
2) Get a cheap lighter. Flush it. End of story.
3) Wrap your lighter in bubble wrap.
4) Carry rubber gloves. My personal favourite. There is NO situation that cannot be rendered more enjoyable by just casually yanking out a pair of rubber gloves. None!
I have no problem with ramming my hand into a biohazard zone, but my chief complaint is that it really pisses me off because then I have to go into my bleach protocols. However, it keeps the fungus from making my nails split and such. So yay… Yay!