Rantionary: “I” Is For…

Good morning, Awesome Rants Army Readerhood!  Yeah, I said good morning so you know my shit is fake.  In social situations, I always just say, “Morning,” through gritted teeth as if stating the fact that it is morning.  I rarely see much good about the fact.  I’ve made sure my duty is done and ensured the Sun came up correctly while applying my caffiene heart paddles.

Anyway, the letter “I” presented a challenge, and this installation is grim.  Nonetheless, here it is:

i[Thing]: (n) Any mass-produced, inferior electronic appliance that is overpriced and relies on highly-proprietary software and support, labelled with a leading “i” to appeal to the younger, self-absorbed, douchecrowd, that is ostentatiously used in public to convey a sense of lemming coolness. You have been assimilated.

idiot: (n) A fucking idiot, fucktard, asshat, window-licking dimwit.  A person who sails through life unaware of the wake of wreckage behind them.  See also: idjit.

idjit: (n) An idiot in particular vernacular, or when spoken very fast while intoxicated or while French.  See also: idiot.

inblow: (v) To intentionally manipulate one’s intestines, colon, sphincter and abdominal wall in such a way as to fool a fart into thinking it is free and then sucking it back in at the last second to preserve an epic hook-up, epic sex, or avoid embarrassment while using public transportation.

interrorview: (n) a verbal evisceration by a member of our lamestream media, normally deviating from the softball questions into those pertaining to sexual preference, masturbatory habits, and prior abortions performed.  (v) 1) To totally overwhelm the interroviewee with deeply-cutting, personally embarrassing and scandal-producing questions aimed at discrediting the hapless person in the press; 2) to intentionally and publicly character-murder someone who is not a Democrat.

introsuction: (n) The process by which you conduct a deep, meaningful inner self-examination and eventually come to the conclusion that you are a total asshatted, fuckchunked, window-licker; the intersection of suckitude and introspection.

I cannot claim any kind of copyright on this shit, so use freely though with caution.

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Want to experience all of the other awesome letters, Sesame Street like?  Click this shit!

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103 Responses to “Rantionary: “I” Is For…”

  1. I’ll have any kind of morning I want to, thank you very little….love the entries though…

  2. Instagrim… self explanatory right?

  3. Caffeine Heart paddles – did that make it in the “C”s

  4. Have been going through some serious introsuction myself lately, and asshatted is indeed my conclusion… Thanks for nailing that shit. 🙂

  5. I can’t believe inbred didn’t make this list.

  6. whiteladyinthehood Says:

    Good Morning, Rants!
    Loved the definition of iThing – spot on.

  7. I am so with you on that i[Thing] thing.

  8. Interesting …I know some people who need an introsuction.

  9. I think it would be interesting to see a post entitled Inner Thoughts of an Inblower.

  10. You left out Indigenous…easily makes the top 5 favorite words of all time.

  11. Think I like i(Thing) the best. WTF is up with my normally rational friends talking about what color of phone they just got with the newest release.
    Hey, I’ll keep my dumbphone. Takes about 5 minutes to text ‘how r u’ with no keyboard or touchpad. Makes phone calls just fine though. Which I believed was the WHOLE POINT.

    Also glad to see ‘asshat has been added to your daily vocabulary. One of my personal faves.

    As for mornings? Don’t fucking call me, knock at the door, or offer anything but hot coffee. There’s that one minute of happiness. Then you remember… ‘fuck! I’m still alive!’

    Funny and wonderful post Rants

  12. Megan Stephenson Says:

    My lordicals, How popular are you Mr Rants ahaha “I” am a sucker for I products like most people. I have iPhone shame right now.

  13. Ah, but can you use them all in a sentence
    Perhaps something about the idiotic introsuction brought on by contemplating how to show off your latest i[Thing] while not looking like you are?

  14. I fucking love “introsuction.” That’s genius.

    I don’t think we were aware of each other’s existence when I wrote this but it sums up my feelings about iAnythings:

    http://wp.me/p2eEaS-1iz

  15. The Elite of Just Alright Says:

    You should not stereotype my entire generation. Yes, most of us are young, self-absorbed douchebags. But not all. 😉

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