Rantswers 3.2

And here is the second of two installments of Rantswers® Third Edition.  I have to shout out to my loyal readers, even the pester-y ones, for the success of this project and for my blog overall as well!  You guys totally rock!  So no more bullshitting, here’s the rest of my Rantswers®:

Southern Sea Muse: I sometimes play “This Little Piggie” with the children at the psych hospital where I work. Except I change the words to suit the situation (“This little piggie wound up in the hospital, this little piggie practiced diaphragmatic breathing; this little piggie needed Thorazine…”). What would your Army version be for your job, coworkers or any aspect of your Army experience?

“This little jihadi shot his AK, this little jihadi launched an RPG.  This little jihadi stoned a woman to repair her honor, and this little jihadi planted an IED.  And this little jihadi ran screaming into a crowd with a semtex vest, crying, ‘Allah ackbar’ and blew himself the fuck up.’”

1jaded1: How do you deal with shame? Serious and not, please. Thank you.

Serious: Reflect on it, learn from it, and then resolve not to make the same mistake.

 Not Serious: Hey, you’re already naked in public, so rock that shit like you’re famous and act like you do this all the time and everyone else ought to as well.

mamahasapottymouth: WordPress ate my questions. So, again… 1. You get to choose three songs to loop together as elevator music, what do you choose? You will be riding said elevator… 2. R u a txtr? Wats ur .02 on txt spk? TIA. 3. What’s the best way to say fuck off without actually saying fuck off?

1. “Indestructable” by Disturbed, “Here Without You” by Three Doors Down, and “Plowed” by Sponge.

2. No, I am not a fucking texter, at least not like that.  I use complete sentences when I text, because I learned English. And because bacon.

3.  Either the classic middle finger, or if you really need to make your point (possibly to amplify the finger), a quick and violent jab straight into the offender’s nose usually works well.

theclocktowersunset: Are we really in the matrix, and if so why isn’t the food better?

Your question answers itself, padawan – we’re not, and that’s why.  Too bad, really, because I’d love to go stopping bullets and fly around and shit.  How yippy-damn-skippy awesome would that be?

Kathleen R: Question 1: Tis the season….What was your best Halloween costume ever?  Question 2: Since you like to cook…if that special someone is coming over for dinner and you want to impress…what is the recipe you cook up?

Best costume is a toss-up between an avocado and an alien complete with green face paint and shit.  Second answer… obviously anything heavily garlicky or oniony is out, as are things like cauliflower or broccoli.  I’d probably go with something like pork tenderloin medallions done in a light but flavorful citrus glaze, some roasted vegetables, and some rice-based side like pilaf or curried… and bacon.  If this special someone has mentioned their favorite food, then I go with that and a side of bacon.  However, based on my situation, I’m going to have my ring finger surgically removed and the knuckle and eat my carrots, radishes and apples alone for the forseeable future. And bacon.

The Elite of Just Alright: 1 +1 =2… 2 + 2 =4… 4 x 4=16… What is the mass of the Sun oh Mighty Rants?

1,988,550,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 kilograms, the standard solar mass.  Or, “a fucking lot.”  There’s a ‘Yo Momma’ joke in here somewhere.

Pushy Jamie: If you were a douchebag, which car would you drive? A. Lamborghini; B. Ferrari; C. Rolls Royce Phantom; D. Bentley; E. A Prius. Why?

F. A Lexus.  In the highly unlikely event that I became a douchebag, I’d pick none of the above, because I’m a douchebag.  Also, by definition, I’d drive a Lexus as a douche lord, because that is the Douch Lord Car of the 2013 Douchelympics.  I’d drive around and impress women with my ‘expensive’ car and then probably push them out when they didn’t put out, just like a childish high-schooler.  Good thing I’m not a douchebag, huh?  BTW, my Blazer is 17 years old and smells like Cheetos and buttcrack.

– – – – –

Be sure to catch all the great past Ranstwers® right here!

56 Responses to “Rantswers 3.2”

  1. If you want to raise a douchbag, you buy him this:

    “The German luxury automaker Porsche is producing the Go-Kart, a pedal-powered car for children ages 5 and up. With a suggested price of $900, the peddle car is the new highlight in the children’s program of the Porsche Lifestyle Collection.”


  2. Thanks for the two-fer. Glad I peed before I read these(TMI). So funny.

  3. Great rantswers. Wouldn’t it be nice if text speak caused cell phones to send a little zap of electricity through the offender’s thumbs? That would make me smile. Interesting elevator music, played in that order? A jab to the nose would be quite effective, because bacon.

  4. I have a sudden urge to eat some bacon after reading this.

  5. A Lexus isn’t douchey. Clearly you aren’t a rule follower since you haven’t chosen from the given choices and have created your own…maybe you are a douchebag! 🙂

  6. I like the guys who drive Honda’s, but preen and strut around in them as if they were Ferrari’s.

  7. Honest engine — I’m in the middle of writing a rant about Lexus drivers.

    Fantastic questions and yippy-damn-skippy answers. And bacon.

  8. NotAPunkRocker Says:

    I think the ultimate douchebags are guys in Mazda Miatas or Honda del Sols. No offense to any of y’all here that may drive one… But dump the Barbie car.

  9. Pork Medallions….nice! But you are right… The quickest way to a girls heart….Bacon.

  10. I have to say, I’m impressed at the seeming depth of knowledge of douchbaggery you have.
    Something you aren’t telling us?

    Oh, and nice Lexus!

  11. whiteladyinthehood Says:

    Cool songs to pick!

  12. I have a song

    A little turban came along,
    pop,pop,pop, my rifle hit strong.

    His name is Mohammed,
    pop,pop,pop, I just got him in the head.

    Mustaffa came along singing singing Alah Akbar,
    I looke at him and was out of rounds, what can I do? O yeah, I´ll stick him with my K-bar.

    Holy shit what the fuck I´m doing here?
    O yeah I´m a Spanishman who´s sent to kill some beard.

    Fuck you Mustaffa I had a good time spending time with your wife,
    and she ain´t that nice.

    That´s some beautiful poetry.

  13. A douchebag car for you? REAL easy. A Hummer H1, with the diesel swapped for a Dodge 426 Hemi and a 6-71 blower. Patch in nitrous, should get you north of a 1000 hp, and you’d just roll over everybody!
    “Hummer – when an SUV is just not douchebag enough, and a Bradley is just too ostentatious.”
    (I would also accept the Lamborghini LM002 – provided you know what that is, No fair using Wiki or Google! 😉 😀 )

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