Rantswers 3.1

Without any introductory bullshit, I’ll dive straight into my Rantswers® of the third edition, because who needs ranty bullshit, right?  Here we go:

Christopher De Voss: If you weren’t in the army, what type of job do you see yourself doing?

I’d be that guy in the refrigerator box under the town bridge.  Each day, I’d get my hooch on and then stand in the park and scream at people about whatever government conspiracy I’d uncovered lately as my body odor attracted insects.  Either that or an architect (my backup plan out of high school got me accepted to Arizona State’s School of Architecture).

whiteladyinthehood: I know you like cats, but what about dogs? like? hate? ever had one for a pet?

Dogs?  They’re fine.  In fact, I’d always favor a dog over a cat because you simply get more and better meat from them.  Less stringy, too.  However, one must pick one’s animal carefully.  A chihuahua is good for about one fucking burrito, so that’s right up there with squirrel colon-blow.  I did have a dog as a kid, yes.  Dumbest animal ever to pad the Earth.  Word.

Exile on Pain Street: How can you mend a broken heart? How can you stop the rain from falling down? How can you stop the sun from shining? What makes the world go ’round? How can you mend this broken man? How can a loser ever win? Sincerely yours, Barry Gibb

Barry, the answer to all your questions is: beer.  Please let EoPS know this as well.  Hope the afterlife is treating you well.  My question to you, Barry, is this: do you get to sing in your unnaturally-girly voice up there in heaven, or are you sadly doing other services with your throat somewhere else?

Twindaddy: Someone you know is becoming extremely arrogant. How do you deal with this?

In my very subtle and kind way, I’ll sit down with them over coffee and say, “Dude, you’re becoming an arrogant fucking douchenozzle.  If you don’t stop fellating yourself like you’re Joffrey Lannister, I’m gonna feed you my knuckles in bunches of four, you assclown.”  This gentle approach is usually highly effective.

The Byronic Man: A pipe burst under our house – it smells like Satan died now. I keep waiting for someone to crawl in to the tetanus-mouse feces funland that is our crawl-space to deal with the 10-foot lake of fetid water in the dirt… but I have a bad feeling that someone is me. Should I just move?

No, you can keep your house.  I’d say this is the perfect application for Other People’s Kids (OPK), particularly the firework shooters who nearly torched your ‘hood.  I’d offer them a quarter to experience the “Underwater Harry Potter Adventureland” and let them keep some souvenir magic potion (i.e., the mouse-shit water).  Let me know how that works out.  If they go for it, I’m assembling a circus and need some geeks and freaks.

mazaar13: there is an old saying: “Red sky in the morning, sailors be warning” and “Red sky at night, sailors delight.”  My question is, what exactly makes the sky red if the sky is blue during the day and black at night?

Well, some might tell you that it’s a combination of dust suspended in the atmosphere at sunset, when the red and orange wavelengths of light are the only ones that can penetrate the Earth’s atmosphere at such an oblique angle and then reflect off said dust.  Others will just tell you that it’s God’s anger at Naval Academy graduates buggering one another as they tend to do, which is why this is a nautical saying.  Go Army, Beat Navy.

El Guapo: They are always up to something. Who the hell are “they”?

They are an insidious bunch.  They are the reason lights turn red and make you slam on the brakes.  They are a group of blog trolls, and they are the people who put the ‘do not remove under penalty of law’ tags on mattresses and pillows.  They hide in the shadows and fuck with our lives on a constant basis.  Fuck them.

– – – – –

Don’t overlook all the great past Rantswers® here in this link!  Part Two (3.2) will follow on Wednesday!!