All right, Rants Army, here’s the Rantswers for the second round of my advice/punishment column where I take on any and all reader questions. Another great month here, and of course all my great readers made this happen!
Daile: I am trying to decide if I should get a husband or just buy 3 more cats? Pros and cons of each option?
Just go with the cats. We men leave the seat up, dribble on the rim, and generally fart and leave other foul odors in our wake. Plus, we’re all emotionally-stunted Ur-creatures who live our lives centered in the tips of our penii. Cats, however, occasionally rub on you.
Elite: So I met a freshman at school. Yay/nay?
Neither? You want applause because you bagged a fresman? Or is this a random comment, like, “Today was a nice day,” or, “I butchered three people in their sleep last night.” I guess I should congratulate you. You have to get that vienna sausage wet sometime. Wear that shit out while you’re in a permissive environment. It’s all downhill after about 23.
NotAPunkRocker: Neil DeGrasse Tyson, heh? True fan, or trying to appeal to the young, hip, science-geek-as-it-pertains-to-Reddit audience?
Well, truth be told, I’ve never been hip or cool, even in a nerdy way. I pretty much suck all the way around, or so I’m told. However, I am looking forward to NDGT’s retread of Cosmos! What is a Reddit?
ElGuapo: If children are a future does that mean that I will be even more immature once I clear middle age, and should I be keeping children in the freezer until I need them for aforementioned future?
Yes, you’re getting more that way with every comment. As for the freezer issue, I recommend a deep freeze from a big-box store. You can store kids more efficiently in them if you bag them at the correct height. After freezing, stack them heads on feet to save room.
1. Why did you decide on going into the military?
Non-rantswer: I like the idea of doing something bigger than myself, for the common good. I love our country and I appreciate everything I’ve received in my life. I tend to think I’m paying everyone back. Rantswer: Because I’m trying to compensate for my tiny Irish dick by playing Soldier and looking like I’m a man. *eyeroll*
2. If you had to sacrifice one in order to save your life, would it be your woobie or Fred?
The woobie. I can make more of them… many, many more of them. Fred however, in all his pants-less glory, is quite unique.
3. Have you ever scorched one of your ass hairs when farting?
No, why is this important?
4. You have to marry one, screw one, kill one…Hillary Clinton, Condoleeza Rice, Janet Reno.
I’d commit suicide unless Condi and I could hook up. Wicked smart woman, very pretty too. The other two get killed. One in particular before 2016.
5. Same question- George clooney, Matt Damon, Brad Pitt.
None of them. I’d sedate them with a dart gun and box them up and send them all to you. Actually, Pitt I’d cook and eat, because I need protein. The other two are all yours, Jamie.
Benzeknees: Do you have to go back to the Big Suck? How can you keep from having to do that? I know you have a a bald pate, but how many hairs do you have on your chinny-chin-chin?
I hope not. I’ve vowed to resign my commission before I go back to that shithole, so I think that Rantswers your second question. As for my chinny-chin, I’d estimate approximately 423 hairs, give or take, depending on your definition of chinny-chin-chin.
Hippie Cahier: Conflating Jamie’s #4 & 5 with Chris’s lunchtime query, you have to make one, eat one, and give one to Fred: turkey club, BLT, grilled cheese with bacon.
I will give Fred the club since he’s an amphibian with no pants. I’ll eat the BLT first, and make the cheesy bacon sammich… which I will stare at with outright lust for a while, and then pounce on the damn thing. Om nom nom… because bacon.
Stand the hell by for the second half of the Rantswers!