Rantswers – 1.3

When I posted the first Rantswers® piece a few days ago, your response was so overwhelming that I had to break my replies into three separate posts.  Here’s the final third:

La La:  Why does my boyfriend always fart on me when I’m just trying to say nice things?

Sorry to break this to you, but he’s an emotional retard who cannot express feelings unless they spew from his anal cavity.  In this regard, he is much like all of we men are: emotional afterbirths who struggle to sort out anything beyond anger, orgasm and bacon.  Or so I’ve been told.

Charlene Woodley:  What should beer drinkers use more of in order to help balance and improve the recycling industry – long necks or tall cans?

Cans of any kind, because 1) they’re so totally ghetto; 2) they’re so awesomely light; 3) they’re smooshable as opposed to glass; 4) aluminum doesn’t set off my PTSD like glass does; 5) Recycling!!! Fuck yeah! and 6) recycled cans buys more beer which equals total fucking win!

1jaded1: Planes, trains or automobiles and why?  Those are the only 3 options.  Does a bear Shit in the woods?  More serious than not, but have some fun:  why are relationships complicated?  My perma~walls are up after a bitter ending…and I see so many other relationships ending.  Wtf?

Planes, because FAST!  Yes, bears do, because no thumbs.  Last, semiserious: Because.  Humans are universally fucked up, 1j1, and we just do the best we can.  Now if you ended this last one because he left the seat up consistently, you need a text on physics so you’ll understand that energy up = energy down.  Other than that, make sure you tell yourself it’s for the best, and try chipping those walls down.  Not all men are Sappers (Google that shit!).

mamahasapottymouth: 1. When you are the beer holder during those moments of hold-my-beer-and-watch-this, are you liable for what ensues? More specifically, are you then labeled as an accessory or do you fall into the innocent, laughing bystander category?

Yes, definitely.  Your beer-holding makes you an accessory after the fact.  If you do not consume said beer after the hander-offer gives it to you and befuckulates him/herself, then you have wasted beer, which is a felony.

2. Are leggings actually pants? (if you’re up for giving fashion advice)

No.  Never.  However, yoga pants… *drool*

3. How acceptable is it to hide from your kids and eat an entire family sized bag of mini m&m’s?

That is perfectly and fully acceptable, provided you can A) absorb that caloric intake and B) take the fifteen to twenty wipes it will require to clean your o-ring when you shit all of that mucous membrane-irritating chocolate.  Mmmmm chocolate…

Archon:  If a hen-and-a-half laid an egg-and-a-half in a day-and-a-half, how many nuts would you find in a pound of butter….or on Rants comment section?

None, because I don’t own fucking chickens.  Boneless/skinless come from the store, as do eggs.  But, you’re a Newf, so thing just might be slightly different there.  I blame Kayjai.

ddupre: Why do girls spit on each other in lesbian porn?  Do men, women or anyone else find that sexy?

Because it’s fucking hot, that’s why, and men together is … *gag*.  We men do, because we’re 3.5 billion sick, twisted asswipes who like watching chicks get jiggy with one another.  And with spit.  Personally, fuck yes I do.  Just saying.

The Elite of Just Alright: What is the meaning of life?

Forty-two.  🙂  Did you seriously think I’d get that wrong?

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68 Responses to “Rantswers – 1.3”

  1. The Elite of Just Alright Says:

    Whew. I was afraid you were going to mess this one up.

  2. I get all the shit…BTW Archon is an Ontarioan… no Newf in him unless you count the time his Daddy mistakenly happened upon our little island and declared it fit to leave. Rantswers are awesome. So is Friday…and alcohol.

    • My geographic apologies to all my offended Canadianian friends, then. Maybe he should be a Newf. BEER!

      • Reforming Ontarioans to Newfs is very difficult…involves cod-fish kissing and swigging Screech which is equivalent to lighter fluid or jacked-up Jamaican rum. Good times. AND, as always. BEER! Such a given….

        • Give Archon a newspaper or two, a few crossword puzzles, access to his books, a computer and a few beers and he’ll settle anywhere happily. He would never kiss a fish regardless of it’s race, he has NOTHING against fish, in fact he loves them battered, fried and served with tartar sauce and a side of fries!

          He has already burned his insides tried screech and has vowed to only use it for cleaning the plumbing or lighting fires…. he would much prefer the beer, craft beers would be nicer if you have any of that sort kicking about out on the rock…

  3. I see a second “help” blog in your future…

  4. I just want to clarify- girls don’t spit on each other in real life. Just sayin’. They DO, however, do… well, nevermind. It’s not appropriate for the comments section.

  5. Also, I have a question, based off of a conversation I heard on the radio the other day. They said guys don’t marry the girls they had the most amazing sex with, but marry the good girls, and then probably have a ho on the side later on. Is this true? Because what if the girl is a good girl who is secretly naughty and really awesome in bed? Wouldn’t it make sense to marry her? But I guess I can’t marry everyone, so maybe that’s why they marry the good girl… Sorry, my question began to ramble.

  6. Ahh, I knew the cans would have it! They are so versatile in serving as a stress reliever before, during and after the lushitative experience (ghetto term for meditative beer guzzling) while simultaneously providing an unconventional form of exercise via ‘smooshing’…hmmm, I wonder what the calorie burn is on that. Anyway, I shall continue on doing my part in helping to economically and environmentally heal our world through aluminum accompanied ‘lushitation’. Many thanks for the results of your research!

  7. Spread the word – make life better! 🙂

  8. Takeway fromt eh Rantswers: Befuckulated.

    Lexicon improved.

  9. Nicely done.
    New goal for today is working befuckulate into at least two conversations.

  10. Eeeeewwwwww! Men like women to spit on each other? Eeeeeeewwwwwww!

  11. Bravo on befuckulates. I’m going to have to use that little gem.

  12. How many other ways can you use fuck?

    • Well, upon analysis, just about every part of the English language (and that does include Canadian with their extraneous “u’s”) can be satisfied with the word, “fuck.” Awesome… sauce.

  13. Regarding your Rantswer to ddupre, awesomesauce. I had forgotten about that Douglas Adams gem. My tinfoil hat’s off to you ubernerd. Just so you know, I’m Mostly Harmless.

  14. 1jaded1 Says:

    Thanks for the rantswers…planes.are fast, generally, except when they take weeks to get you from one place to another. Thumbs?

    I understand physics. Not so much human nature. Laughing at the porn answers. Funny.

  15. whiteladyinthehood Says:

    I have to disagree with your beer-holders advice. If I said,” Here hold my beer” and did a cool miraculous stunt and came back to retrieve my beer and it was EMPTY…someone is gonna be in trouble.

  16. I Thought the answer to my question was, “A freight train, because ice cream doesn’t have bones,” but you’ve proved me wrong, as usual. Den, l’ard t’underin’, you moved me to The Rock, and I never noticed. Probably zoned out again. None of the Newfs noticed either, or I’d be in a dory, floating toward the mainland. 😉

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