Rantswers – 1.2

You all can relax now, because here’s the second installment of Rantswers®, which you all contributed to amazingly: 

Katalina4: How can I help my shy, nerdy son find a girlfriend?

Don’t.  Period.  Your idea of ‘ideal’ is not his, and he must acquire his ‘ideal’ to understand someday that cheerleaders are mean girl variants.  I was ‘your son’ once… well, still am, and trust me when I say that the young man just has to figure this shit out for himself.  And, by the way, how the hell are you old enough to have a teenager?  Anyway, just keep washing the DNA out of his bedclothes and pretend you don’t know what he’s up to at night.

El Guapo: Gerbils or mice? A full, detailed answer please, with pros and cons for both…ends.

After some research, a volunteer in Dayton tells me that gerbils are preferable because they don’t have tiny, sharp claws.  That, and gerbils are not aggressive. On the downside, he reported, gerbils can be rather large… in diameter.

Marcy Calabrese:  Why do dads feel like they have to coach their son in football in High efin school? Let go of them already!

Several reasons: A) They’re douchebags; B) they don’t know how to use semicolons in a written list within a paragraph; C) they were nerdy dweebtards like me in school and are trying to make up for it, and; D) they have microscopic, dicks.

Jamie: (for god’s sake… here it is):

1. What did you name your woobie?

Woobies don’t have names.  Woobies exist, and that is the nature of Sofia, I mean my woobie.

2. What came first, the chicken or the egg?

The chicken, because if I understand Evolution, the mutation that caused the evolved dinosaur that was the chicken to lay a chicken egg had to happen first in order to successfully reproduce as a chicken, i.e., lay the egg.  Make sense?

3. Where did you go to high school/ college?  Major?

Redlands High School, near your neck of the woods.  College: a government-funded, four-year sentence in New York state, majoring in Civil Engineering… why is this important, Ms. FBI?

4. Who is your favorite author? What is your favorite book?

Tie: Stephen King and Robert A. Heinlein.  Best book ever — all of them.  I love reading.

5. Does John E scare you more than upper grabassistan?

The most scary thing to me is me.  After that, yes, John Erickson is a distant second.

6. Detail exactly what you would do if you owned a cat.

I have two of those hairy fuckers here now at the moment.  I swipe my tickling nostrils frequently and re-dry my clothes in a constant battle to overcome their shedded fucking hair.  I guess the best answer is: try out my Buck knife and make cat burritos.

7. If you could do anything over in life, what would it be?

Nothing… seriously.  We’re all products of our existence, so to desire changing the past would be to say you are inadequate or lacking.

8. If you could have anything in the world, what would it be?

Solitude.  Go away.  Sorry.  Sofia Vergara?

9. Toilet paper roll… Paper over or under?

Over, i.e., such that the available end is visible on the outermost tangent to the cylender that comprises the roll of asswipe.

10. Do you eat corn on the cob from left to right or in a circle?

Yes.

11. Bonus question… Do you turn the lights off when you leave the room every time?

Every motherfucking time, because Army housing is run by taxpayer money, honey.

Stay tuned for the third and final installment of the inaugural Rantswers®!

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52 Responses to “Rantswers – 1.2”

  1. whiteladyinthehood Says:

    This one was really good! Keep on Ranty dude – your advice is getting better n better! 🙂

  2. “He must acquire his ideal….” – okay, that IS an interesting thought I can chew on while I wash out the sheets…
    Well Rant-swered!!
    Thanks, my friend 🙂

  3. I like old Steven King. I think he has lost it as of lately, but The Stand and The Talisman are two of my favorite books of all time.

  4. The Elite of Just Alright Says:

    As a formerly teenage guy, yes we must acquire our ideals…

    Who the hell buys a car without driving it first? 😉

  5. I saw the movie “Starship Troopers” before I read Heinlein’s book. The movie, I think, is an impressive piece of satire (and hard to believe it was made pre-9/11), but it’s hard not to be mad at it after reading the book. Seems pretty insulting to the source material, and the source material deserves better than insult.

    • TBM, I have almost never liked the film version of books, and I agree that “Starship Troopers” threw one bone to Heinlein’s point and then lost the rest in cool CGI.

  6. Looking forward to a cat burrito recipe on the next Cooking With rants.

  7. Jamie’s a bit curious…

  8. And I quote “this one was really good”. You mock my questions, yet provide an insightful humorous piece. YOU are welcome!

    And Redlands- how come you haven’t burst into flames? It’s as hot as shit there! I’m about 2 hours away from there in the left direction, thank goodness!

  9. SK is also one of my faves and there are more Rantswers??!! Wow…soooo may questions sooo many Rantswers. Kinda.

  10. my favourite line “just keep washing the DNA out of his bedsheets.” EEEWWWW! But hilarious

  11. I poked the “Like” button, but didn’t see my handsome face. I was going to hit it again, but last time it told me to fuck myself. I have a recipe for honey bacon brownies I could send you. The only answer required is MMMH! John E. doesn’t have issues. He bought a whole subscription. 👿

  12. What is it with men & cats? You have 2, John has 8! Allergy to cats here – so no visits with my adored bloggers? 😉

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