Rantswers – 1.1

I posted a Rantswers® piece a few days ago, and got an awesome response… this will be a three-part Rantswer® to all of your awesomesauce questions:

Whiteladyinthehood:  You seem to churn out posts with no problem. What is your advice for someone who has writer’s block?

I do, but it’s because I’m a fucking no-shit retarded loon.  As far as writer’s block goes, I’d recommend a case of beer and two packs of smokes.  Get good and drunk, but if you can’t remember the things you say (according to your spouse) after only one beer, then I’m sorry but you’re totally fucked.  You might want to carry a pad of Post-It’s around with you, just in case.

jmlindy422:  how long will it take before my 17-yo son returns to being a human who treats me like a human? And will he ever hug me without prompting again?

He will, someday.  If he is still actually 17 Earth-years old, I would predict that anytime between now and the age of 25 he will regain the ability speak Polite, and might actually add the languages of Appreciative Of Your Uterus, as well as Sorry.  Around that time, huggage will be forthcoming.  Such is the nature of we men, and I do apologize as a former fucktarded boy.

Kayjai:  Driving the tank…your choice or were you volun-told?  Miller or Budweiser? (or impress me with a Canadian beer)  What’s your fave colour?  How many fingers am I holding up?  What’s the best word in the English language?

Total volunteer – long story, yes I’m a ‘tard.  Neither: Coors Light, in cans (sorry). Black.  One, and I see which one you’re holding up, thanks – you’re number one as well.  Best word: ‘onomatopoeia.’  That, and ‘fuck,’ in all its glorious forms.  But that’s in ‘Murrican, so I’m unsure how that translates into Canadianian.  BTW: ‘color’ has no ‘u.’

Philosopher Mouse of the Hedge:  When they say to feel better take “hair of the dog” is there a specific breed that is recommended?  Does it have to be a freshly picked hair or is one stuck on  the sofa/clothing OK to use?

I prefer shorthair breeds because the mass of hair is more easily washed down one’s alcoholic gullet with a wake-up beer.  I have used sofa-based dog hair, and it works perfectly.  If you are saddled with nothing but long hairs, I recommend something stronger and much bigger than a “forty” to wash that nasty shit down.

Twindaddy:  Why do people get all vindictive and shit and act stupid when a relationship ends?

Because when you love someone, you open your armor up to that person.  Then, when the hurt starts going back and forth, it slips effortlessly through your RenFair chainmail.  Recommend you put a .45 round through her heart while her shit is exposed.

Stay tuned for more Rantswers®, because there were so many great questions that two more posts are necessary to cover them all!

32 Responses to “Rantswers – 1.1”

  1. There’s a ‘u’ in fuck, though ain’t there?! Yeah. I add the ‘u’s in case the word ‘fuck’ is not an option, then it’s merely implied. Your Rantswers are awesome.

  2. I think John would disagree that about the spelling of color.

  3. I shall wait, somewhat patiently, for my son to return to the planet. It may take a while as he just joined a punk band. He’ll start hugging me just in time to follow it with, “Thanks for paying for my rehab.”

    In the meantime, I shall indulge my pretention penchant by spelling things incorrectly, like “colour” and “grey.” I will also add saying things in a pretentious manner. In Canda, they say “pawn-shawn,” instead of the far more grating, correct pronounciation we favor here in the States.

    And I’ll practice writing posts with the word “fuck” in them. I just won’t tell my mother’s 80-year old cousin to check out the blog that week.

  4. Murder, huh? Didn’t see that one coming…

  5. Don’t know which is more fun – the reader questions or your responses.
    Post-its. The answer to everything.

  6. whiteladyinthehood Says:

    I’m gonna get drunk, chain-smoke and write all my posts during a black-out…(I would probably be more interesting…good advise)

  7. Onomatopoeia is the best and I’m not surprised you thought so. The definition makes my head hurt at the noise, though. Fuck ties for the best word, I agree.

  8. I pushed “Like” twice, and it told me to fuck off. 😆

  9. In Canada there is a U in colour as well as a lot of other words just because we like to be ornery.
    I think people get all stupid & vindictive when a relationship ends because they have to admit they were stupid enough to pick that person to be in a relationship with & so they’re trying to lay all the blame at the other person’s doorstep!

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