How-To: Interpreting Rants

A surprising number of people I interact with have issues with successfully reading my mood from moment to moment. Mama Rants and Sister Rants have no problem knowing exactly what flavor my mood is, but then they have the advantage of having experienced my delightful and effervescent personality for years.

Everyone else needs to catch up, and I’ve learned to issue verbal warnings to new co-workers: “If I am angry at you, you will have absolutely no doubt about that condition.”  From time to time, this very up-front and transparent guidance is forgotten or disregarded, and I have to clarify my meaning.  This normally sounds like, “I’m not pissed.  This is how the skin hangs on my skull.” 

Still, there are the slow learners, the obstinate, and the general window-lickers among the population.  Because conveying information can sometimes be most easily done visually, I decided to make an infographic for everyone to use.  For the Rants Army, you might have this tucked into a pocket on the off chance you run into me in an airport, find me drunk in a gutter, or see my photo in your local post office.

Slide1Happy, generally content, pleased, amused but short of laughing. Most often seen while I am consuming beer, eating bacon, thinking of boobs, or making something out of wood.  Also applies to yardwork, which is enjoyed.

Slide1Overjoyed.  Sometimes accompanied by a sound that should be heard as laughter, expressed online as “LOL.”  Consistent with hearing a foul joke, funny word, encountering schadenfreude involving someone I dislike, or attaining total world domination.  Also the ‘O’ face.

Slide1Irritated.  The default setting for my general mood.  Also denotes hunger, empty beer shelf in the refrigerator, no bacon or asshattery normally found in a work environment.

Slide1Angry.  See rest of blog for examples which also include: no beer at liquor store, being snuck up on in cubicle, being interrupted, smacking thumb with hammer, and encountering fucksticks who insist on inflicting themselves upon me contrary to escalating warnings.

Slide2Sleeping.  A generally neutral emotional state, there is no solid data on this based on the fact that I am sleeping and therefore not taking notes.  If awakened to do so, see ‘angry.’

Slide3Exercise.  Characterized by marked color change in the face from Pasty Irish to Alarming Heart Attack as I rain sweat and dump excess heat.  Generally synonymous with ‘irritated‘ due to the associated pain levels experienced while doing PT.

Slide1Sad.  Rarely observed since like all men, I am an emotional handicap who is closed-off and insensitive.

54 Responses to “How-To: Interpreting Rants”

  1. For women it’s called “Resting Bitch Face Syndrome”.

  2. Mr Rant. I have to say that you at least are a consistent man face, plus in your line of work I´d would imagine they´re probably cleaning they´re barracks for the hole day, standing guard on the weekend when it´s unnecessary and I can think of a lot more nasty ways that your superior can fuck with you. I´m confused, your face confuses me. Had a laugh though.

  3. Warnings should be heeded…it’s all necessary for survival. Then again, some peeps can’t help but poke the bear for entertainment purposes. It usually ends up in someone crapping himself or being eaten alive. It’s all good…

  4. Learn something new every day. Thanks.

  5. Truly, your face has the emotional range of great hollywood actors.
    Like Keanau Reeves.

  6. Personally, I don’t see where the confusion is. There seems to be enough discernible differences between all of your moods for it to be readily apparent to anyone with working eyes.

    So, yes, fucksticks they are.

  7. Brilliant. I need to give this chart with the visual aids to my family. Unlike yours, mine can’t read me nor know anything about me at all.

  8. Dude, if more people were as easy and open to read as you were than the world would spin smoother on its axis- one look and you choose to say ‘hey’ or walk the hell away. Simplicity at its finest…

  9. I’m so glad you cleared this up for me! I would never have been able to distinguish your moods without this helpful chart!

  10. wishing I had a witty comment but failing due to the alcohol consumption last night. but I did “like” the rant.

  11. yup. its the “resting bitch faced” alright. 😀 now i know it applies to both genders

  12. Warrior Girl Says:

    Hey Rants…How the heck R U? Thanks for sharing your info graphics….I didn’t really appreciate all these sides of you before now….(noting the subtle difference between “happy & overjoyed” is beer)….Miss seeing your mug around town….Hope all is well.

  13. You must be one hell of a poker player.

  14. Everyone is an asshole.

  15. UNCLE!

    I’m trying quietly to catch up on all things Rants without “liking” and commenting on every post, despite my personal rule that when I literally LOL, I am compelled to express that thusly. . . ready?: “LOL.”

    You and your Rants Army are fabulously entertaining, but this one? This one, the LOL’ing just kept going and going. Very funny….and helpful.

  16. So you’re a golden retriever. That explains a lot. 😉

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