Splitting
There is nothing quite like waking up and realizing with your first movement that you have a crushing headache. This was me today as I flailed at my insistent alarm device, which is from Hell.
I don’t always gets headaches, but when I do they make up for the long stretches without them. Stay painful, my friend. In general, headaches for me come in two varieties: pesky and Jackhammer of Satan. Brief research tells me that in some ways headaches are a mystery since the brain cannot actually feel pain. This must be true because the five neurons I have could not possibly make my head hurt in any way.
Sometimes, my noggin likes to play with me and make me think I have the Jackhammer coming on, just to keep me on my toes. This morning was no exception. Unsure, I ate my Special Migraine Formula (SMF, because acronyms are cool) that an awesome Medic gave me the secret to on my first sabbatical in Afghanistan: Motrin and Tylenol in combination. So far, I’m seeing some relief. At least I can see. Because we all have a need for schadenfreude to some extent, here’s an explanation of my RantAches:
Pesky Nuisance Headache: Pain is pain, and we all endure some in our laps around the Sun. These I either endure or eat a couple of aspirins. Generally, the Pesky pain is caused by colds or flu, dehydration, brown liquor in excess, sinuses or physics. By physics, I mean some elusive change in the seasons, usually spring and fall, that generate some pressure and wind change or realignment of the Earth’s magnetic field. Call it a disturbance in The Force, or better yet, whatever does a damn-damn on my sinuses.
Jackhammer of Satan: This is beyond pain and seeps into the psychic damage realm. Normally these start with a dull split in the top of my head and quickly pounce down to the back of my head. From there, pressure builds and reality shifts off into some realm of Suck that I can barely endure. If I catch the Jackhammer quickly with a hearty dose of SMF, all will be well. If not, I’m doomed to three to four straight days of pounding, blinding pain that I can only describe as some alien in my head, squeezing my cerebellum and about to explode outward, coating people around me with vaporized skull bits. What causes these is a mystery.
At the moment, all seems well. The next few hours will determine my fate…
BrainRants 
May 7, 2013 at 10:39
You need some meds. Here, have this white powder that is definitely not crack. Some guy named John sold it to me. Said it’d work wonders.
May 7, 2013 at 10:45
If it came from Erickson, that’s likely crushed up viagra.
May 7, 2013 at 11:10
Oh dear God…I didn’t think of that.
May 7, 2013 at 11:17
Either that or it’s just flour and he tweaks on the carbs.
May 7, 2013 at 12:18
It could be Viagra mixed with meth.
May 7, 2013 at 12:38
Sweet-n-Low…
May 7, 2013 at 15:38
Dear God.
May 7, 2013 at 16:06
Yep.
May 7, 2013 at 10:39
I will comment quietly, so as to not hurt your head further.
May 7, 2013 at 10:45
It’s feeling a bit better… *types quietly*
May 7, 2013 at 10:51
Yikes! I got those kinds of headaches when I was pregnant, you’re not pregnant, are you?
I hope you feel all un- jackhammer-of-Satan-like very soon!
May 7, 2013 at 10:58
I doubt I’m pregnant. If I am, I’m calling the Inquirer and getting rich.
May 7, 2013 at 12:11
Shhhh…… he has a migraine.
May 7, 2013 at 12:37
Thanks.
May 7, 2013 at 11:26
Welcome to my world – your “Satan’s Jackhammer” is my average …. Tuesday? Thursday? Whatever friggin’ day it is. 😉
And trust the “white powder” I gave our young friend. For legality’s sake, um, let’s just call it “fortified aspirin”, ’cause it’s 325mg of acetaminophen. (It’s the 7.5 mg of “fortified” that’ll rock your world! 😀 )
Oh, and technically, you’re affected by meteorological or ecological factors. Physics determines what the wind is made of and how it can move, meteorology determines which way the wind is blowing. This concludes your Sheldon Cooper moment of the day.
Lotsa luck with the headache!
May 7, 2013 at 11:43
I’m sorry to hear about your pain – that really sucks, but explains your blog pauses.
May 7, 2013 at 22:50
I’ll vouch for that “white powder” if it’s the north-of-the-border-goodness I think it is. My late-not-hubby consistently got relief for his headaches (and other aches and pains) with it.
Good luck fending yours off, Rants…
May 8, 2013 at 05:16
Working on it…
May 8, 2013 at 10:19
Not familiar with any white powdery goodness from Canuck land, Karen. Mine’s 7.5mg of Lortab/Vicodin/Hydrocodone. It’s the only stuff that works for me – all the “triptan” drugs make me violently ill.
So what is this Northern miracle? Do I need to talk to my grampa Archon and ask for a care package? 😀
Oh, and here’s hoping YOUR brain fits inside your skull today, ‘Rants. Mine, as usual, is trying to ooze out the ears and run down the sides of my head. (And people wonder why I shave my head…. 😉 )
May 8, 2013 at 11:44
We are suffering together I guess.
May 8, 2013 at 13:29
Now, see, if you would’ve let me have that teary reunion with you in the airport, I coulda passed you some of my Vicodin. Then we could have been STONED together! (Speaking of which, it’s time for another dose – I’m only seeing 3 screens in front of me. 😉 )
May 8, 2013 at 14:39
Well have fun.
May 8, 2013 at 14:51
Not much fun, but I take what I can get. Hope yours is subsiding!
May 8, 2013 at 15:03
I have some hope for success now.
May 8, 2013 at 14:45
It’s an OTC called “AC&C” – Aspirin, Caffeine + 8mg. Codeine.
Yours sounds way better for the way you guys are suffering, though.
Unless – they’re side-effects of some combo of *other* meds you’re taking? (Just a a thought)
May 8, 2013 at 15:03
No other meds here, but I do know too much motrin will trigger a rebound headache.
May 8, 2013 at 23:58
NO CODEINE FOR MIGRAINES! Yes, I’m shouting! Worst thing in the world for migraines.
May 9, 2013 at 05:01
Not doing that…
May 8, 2013 at 15:16
No, in my case the headaches (technically “cluster headaches”, as they used to come in clusters then leave for a few years before returning) are the primary malady. I’ve had literally every type of test you can name, short of vivsection (not through any lack of trying on a couple doctors’ behalves). I’ve also tried numerous meds, and the only thing that works is Vicodin. I wouldn’t mind the ACC stuff for some of my other general aches and pains, but I usually have enough “tag-along” aspirin in me (the Vicodin comes with 325mg acetaminophen per dose) to address the little pains. I currently take about three 7.5mg Vicodin a day – back in 2002 at my worst, I was taking six 10mg pills, PLUS a second lower-strength pain reliever, PLUS two different types of muscle relaxants AND Valium. Can you say “zombie”?
May 8, 2013 at 16:06
I can only imagine. Mine don’t come close.
May 8, 2013 at 20:55
Count your ranty … butt lucky. 😉 😀
May 9, 2013 at 05:00
I do. 🙂
May 7, 2013 at 12:12
Headaches blow. I bet my buddy Jack Daniels or my other buddy Jim Beam would help with that.
May 7, 2013 at 12:38
Jim and Jack are friends of mine too (Goodfellas ref. incl.), but right now, no. God no.
May 7, 2013 at 12:45
Lol. Okay, fine.
May 7, 2013 at 13:00
Yeah, that would be like wounding yourself with a chainsaw and then saying, ‘Fuck it, a bit deeper might help.’
May 7, 2013 at 13:02
Really? Normally getting a good buzz going nullifies any headache I may have. Of course, I don’t suffer migraines so I can’t speak to that.
May 7, 2013 at 13:37
Take my word for it…
May 7, 2013 at 13:39
I have no choice.
May 7, 2013 at 13:40
Or, induce a migraine…
May 7, 2013 at 13:49
No thanks.
May 7, 2013 at 13:59
Wise man.
May 7, 2013 at 15:00
Sometimes, but mostly not.
May 7, 2013 at 16:07
Same issue here…
May 7, 2013 at 17:59
Really hope you feel better – migraines are the worst. Wouldn’t wish those on anyone
May 7, 2013 at 18:04
I’m dealing. I took most of the edge off of it.
May 7, 2013 at 19:08
You forgot the ‘little demons in my head gleefully stabbing the backs of my eyeballs with their tiny pitchforks’ pain…or is that just me? Damn…
May 7, 2013 at 19:16
That’s fairly accurate.
May 7, 2013 at 19:37
Not pressing like to that. Are you feeling better?
May 7, 2013 at 21:25
A little, thanks.
May 8, 2013 at 01:21
That’s nice to read. Hope you continue to feel better.
May 8, 2013 at 05:17
This morning, not so much.
May 7, 2013 at 20:09
Well, that stinks. I know you’ve written about migraines before..hope you feel better! (I think I get stress headaches…I usually take an aspirin and grab a beer – my stomach lining is probably gone, but my headache will go away quickly) Maybe you should get some extra sleep.
May 7, 2013 at 21:26
Beer now would only make it worse, but thanks! I’ve done the meds.
May 7, 2013 at 21:10
As someone who gets (too many) headaches, I can only empathize. There are good meds for migraines, etc. but it’s all just a world of pain that I wish would just go the fuck away. Feel better.
May 7, 2013 at 21:26
We’re looking better here, a little.
May 8, 2013 at 02:25
Because of your headache I am being considerate & knocking persistently but quietly on wood – I once had a migraine that lasted 6 whole months! I lay in a dark, totally quiet room with tears soaking my pillow for days on end. I went to work with sunglasses on when they made it clear I might lose my job. I had every test known to man & tried every medication a neurologist or a psychiatrist could prescribe. Nothing worked! Until they tried me on a “old” medication (in conjunction with blood pressure medication so my blood pressure was so low I would faint at the drop of a hat) they don’t even use anymore because it has bad side effects. In my case, it increased my appetite to the point where I felt like there wasn’t enough food in the entire world & I gained a whole bunch of weight.
Most of my migraines now happen in spring & fall when the barometric pressure starts doing somersaults.
(Whispering) How’s your head now?
May 8, 2013 at 05:18
Still hurts… but thanks.
May 8, 2013 at 08:04
I get the Jackhammer of Satan headaches too. The only thing that works are muscle relaxers. I’m not sure if that is because they stop my muscles from clamping on my skull or if it’s just because they knock me out like I’ve taken 16 Benedryl. In any case, I hope yours goes away!
May 8, 2013 at 08:09
So far, not yet.
May 8, 2013 at 08:10
Kick its ass!
May 8, 2013 at 08:12
I’m trying.
May 8, 2013 at 12:23
If the meds aren’t working – run a warm/hot bath, lay back with your head in the water with a wet washcloth on your eyes…it relieves the pressure. It is only temporary, but for me generally helps to stop the pounding and take the edge off…temporarily.
May 8, 2013 at 12:59
We’ll see. Thanks.
May 8, 2013 at 21:15
Keep the faith and the acronym handy. Mom is an RN and she recommended the same thing to me.
Sending positive non-satanic thoughts and the scent of lavender. The latter helps me relax when a satan-bopper comes to knock.
Feel better!
May 9, 2013 at 05:01
Thanks Rachael!
May 9, 2013 at 12:39
I like that name, Jackhammer of Satan—that’s exactly what those headaches feels like. I get migraines on occasion, I need to think of a suitable name for them. It feels kind of like demons opened up a combination swimming pool/dance club in your stomach and head. Not pretty.
May 9, 2013 at 12:54
Not at all. I always picture a facehugger from ‘Alien’ wrapped around the top of my spine and up the back of my brain, what there is of it.
May 11, 2013 at 10:01
I’m a big fan of a palmful of Advil and coffee or coke.
May 11, 2013 at 12:39
Just beware of TOO much caffeine, especially since some pain relievers use a good dose of caffeine as an enhancer. Caffeine does help open up the blood vessels, if you pain throbs in time to your heartbeat.
(The first time I got my headaches, the doc prescribed a drug called Caffergot. Silly me, I never stopped to think the “Caffe” part referred to caffeine. I also drink large quantities of strong tea. So there I am, taking to my boss at my first job, when she suddenly stops and asks if I’m okay. I looked down at my hand, resting on my knee, and it’s vibrating. I’m talking paint mixing machine type shaking! If I’d had springs in my shoes, I could’ve bounced myself the 20 miles from work to home. 😀 )
May 11, 2013 at 14:04
That’s awesome!
May 11, 2013 at 14:04
My motrin/Tylenol usually works if I catch it in time.
May 11, 2013 at 15:46
By the by, if I don’t catch you elsewhere, Happy Mother’s Day, Jamie! And to Momma Rants too, as well as all the other wonderful mothers out there. All my best!
May 11, 2013 at 18:32
Yay Moms!
May 16, 2013 at 08:50
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May 16, 2013 at 09:38
I know I’m excellent, actually, but thanks, you fucking spambot. Go away. Leave the party pills. Fucknut.
May 16, 2013 at 11:26
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(Beep!) Message 742: The user you are attempting to reach no longer gives a fig. Please try your Spam again later. Message 742. (Beep!)
May 16, 2013 at 13:00
Exactly.
May 16, 2013 at 14:54
Since I finished the A to Z Challenge, my stats have gone up a bit & now I’m getting a lot more of these spambot messages too! FOAD!
May 16, 2013 at 15:28
Yeah, I thought I’d try something fun with them at least.
May 16, 2013 at 15:36
I get a kick out of reading them sometimes!
May 18, 2013 at 15:52
Why visitors still make use of to read news papers when in this technological world all is accessible on web?
May 18, 2013 at 15:59
Because, douchelord, some of us dinosaurs intake information better off of a printed fucking page than some glowy little screen that we’re symbiotically plugged into 24/7. Tell you what, I’m coming over to pull you off of the fucking Matrix… ass pirate.
May 18, 2013 at 18:42
Here I am, once again needing for you to be reminded of that not all responses from Spambots might be coming. C’mon, man, must you of the wrong guesses be making for where your comments from coming are? You should be making of the much better behaviour here, with all is such good of writing your skills.
May 18, 2013 at 19:17
Stop defending the spambots or I will launch my Borg fleet at you.
May 18, 2013 at 19:55
Now, now, you should be remembering of fact Spambots people are too being. And of Borg people I afraid not am being as possessing of numerous and several I having swords am.
(Or in plain English, “Assimilate THIS!” 😉 )
May 18, 2013 at 20:08
The Borg pretty much don’t give a fuck. I can show you the subspace email.
May 18, 2013 at 20:59
Well, now there’s your problem. By the time they drag their butts here by subspace, I’ll have a fleet here by hyperspace – think book class versus Fed Ex. My guys can whup ’em and be back BEFORE they left! 😉
May 18, 2013 at 21:03
You’re forgetting they use quantum slipstream drives… and a nexus node. You need to watch “Voyager” … the last season.
May 19, 2013 at 10:53
Been there, done that, got the T-shirt. Well, it’s actually an autographed photo, but … well … you know. 😉
May 19, 2013 at 13:59
Cool!
May 18, 2013 at 19:39
Just reading the spam comments are Splitting my sides (see what I did there) and the urge to do the same is overwhelming.
May actually respond I got to a pingback last week.
The post was about atheists in AA. The pingback came from a site specializing in christian books and reviews.
Left it in the comments due to the absurdity factor.
Loved your above reply to ‘vinyard’ 🙄
May 18, 2013 at 19:50
Rach, thank you as always to a true connoisseur of verbal ass-having… the replying to spam is new for me, just tried it on a whim to vent some of my more colorful (colourful) words.
I DID see what you did, and where you did it.