Getting From A To B
I am guessing that most of us, when we were small humans, heard one or both of our parents tell us this: “Be careful what you wish for.” In truth, I did hear “Hold out your hands, wish into one, shit in the other, and tell me which fills up first,” far more often, but I was cautioned to beware my wishes.
The relevance of this attention-grabbing opener is that I’m sitting here bemoaning something I’ve wished for. Let’s review a bit first. We know I live on an Army installation somewhere near the Bellybutton of America. We know the Army budgets things a bit differently than other organizations, mainly because it’s funded on two-year Congressional (fuckers) cycles that in turn demand use of allocated funds or loss of them past a certain point. Maybe you didn’t know that but now you do. Sorry.
At some point within the past two years, my little slice of Army heaven received some fundage to fix the roads here on post. You out there who know and understand Snow (sorry, Jamie) will also know how quickly asphalt degrades under ice, freezing and salt. Tanks, too, but sadly I have no tanks here. I digress… suffice it to say that my daily around-post driving had degraded into a tooth-jarring and shock absorber-killing experience that made me want to get my jihad on.
Now, having wished my rattly jihadi wish for smooth roads, I’m being bent over with that wish. I came home from Afghanistan to be greeted with my street blocked off to traffic and the sidewalks gone. Gone! No concrete, just two long blank strips of dirt. Welcome the fuck home, Rants, are you feeling it? At least it makes edging the grass there easier, I guess, were my mower not gummed up from a year of inactivity.
Anyway, this apparently was only the first step of somebody’s sinister plot to fuck with my head. After forcing me to drive in loops in and out of my carport (thank Bacon for seniority), the Post Office became blocked off next. After that, they expanded past my own personal street and got its cross-street and several small side ones I and many others use to quickly get to and from work. Then the coup de grace this morning, because nothing is worse than having a situation described best in French.
The road – singular noun here, mind you: road – to my office is now blocked for construction as well. So I can’t park near my house, can barely get out of my allocated parking spot, and to add insult to sodomy, I can’t get to work. I don’t know whether to cry or laugh.
Is this a cosmic hint? Do the Powers That Be here in Armyland believe we’re all too fat and need to walk more? I don’t know. I may steal my neighbor kid’s little pink Huffy with the Barbie motif tomorrow. Rank hath its privileges, you know, and if I’m going to be forced to exercise I might as well make someone laugh while I endure it.
Laugh all you want, because the entire time I spend zipping past you I’ll hear Mama Rants saying, “Be careful what you wish for.”
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This entry was posted on April 30, 2013 at 09:31 and is filed under Home, Humor, Random, Rant, Travel, Worst with tags Army, ass, Barbie, blog, commute, driving, fail, home, humor, life, news, random, rant, travel, zombie apocalypse. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
April 30, 2013 at 10:12
You just described about 75% of the public roadways here in Augusta, Maine. A few minutes ago, however, the City was nice enough to re-paint the Left Hand Turn Arrows on one of the main thoroughfares – they are very squiggly. Go figger.
April 30, 2013 at 10:14
And you should make squiggly left-hand turns, then.
April 30, 2013 at 10:46
I’m laughing with you not at you. You know what? Never mind. I can’t lie. I’m laughing at you.
April 30, 2013 at 10:54
It’s the pink Barbie bike image, isn’t it?
April 30, 2013 at 10:57
That may have had something to do with it.
April 30, 2013 at 10:59
*ding* *ding* Outta my way, motherfucker!
April 30, 2013 at 11:08
Ha! Of course it has the ringer on it.
April 30, 2013 at 11:13
No less than the best!
April 30, 2013 at 11:18
Does it have the little strings coming out of the handles, too?
April 30, 2013 at 11:36
Lord I hope so.
April 30, 2013 at 13:22
Ha! I’d pay money to.see that!
April 30, 2013 at 14:14
Hel-oooo college fund!
April 30, 2013 at 14:39
A real dirty deed.
(Better get some off road tires for that Barbie bike.)
April 30, 2013 at 14:59
Pink knobbies…
April 30, 2013 at 17:09
definitely
April 30, 2013 at 17:17
Whee!
May 1, 2013 at 11:03
ching-ching (always wanted one of those bells)
May 1, 2013 at 11:04
I’m putting one on my walker when I get old.
May 1, 2013 at 11:33
Don’t laugh. We did that for one 100 yr old uncle – he got a real laugh out of it..”great way to pick up women” I think he said…a real character
May 1, 2013 at 13:10
He should have a blog.
April 30, 2013 at 20:07
OMG yes – I’ve seen pink knobbies on bikes!
Women’s Lib has won a couple…
April 30, 2013 at 20:27
I’m not sure if I’d claim that as Womens Lib…
April 30, 2013 at 19:09
I personally would never laugh at you as you zipped by on a pink Huffy (as long as you are wearing a matching pink helmet with pink knee pads and elbow pads!) Safety first…
April 30, 2013 at 19:39
All my safety stuff is Army colored. Or black.
April 30, 2013 at 20:44
Whatever works…file it under “Things I Did to Pay for Your Higher Education. Be Grateful.”. Illustrations are a must.
The first rule of construction is to warn drivers to find an alternate route. The second rule is to clog every alternate route within a 20 mile radius with more construction. Sucks.
April 30, 2013 at 20:48
Yes and… yes dammit.
April 30, 2013 at 23:20
It sounds like you have a plan..take the pink, handle streaming, bell ringing barbie bike from some little kid…nice.
May 1, 2013 at 05:15
No, I’d borrow it.
May 1, 2013 at 07:13
Semantics…she would still be crying while you were *ahem* borrowing it.
May 1, 2013 at 07:46
Well, ‘she’d’ be at school and therefore wouldn’t need it at that moment. *ahem*
May 1, 2013 at 23:15
I hope she decides to ride her bike to school.
May 2, 2013 at 05:06
Or maybe she’ll just have to walk.
May 2, 2013 at 08:14
Mean! Maybe you’ll just have to walk. Summer vacation is coming soon…heh. What then?
May 2, 2013 at 08:16
I guess I could ‘borrow’ her dad’s bike…
May 1, 2013 at 10:00
I work for the Corps of Engineers and know too much about the FAR and cycles of coloured money. I also used to be a City Engineer and know too much about paving roads and sidewalks.
Despite all that, I never had the forethought to combine those areas into the shitstorm of perfection you’re presently experiencing but wish I had. I think you should “borrow” the bike and take pictures along the way.
It’d also be great to know what your next wish is so we can figure out how that can be messed up.
May 1, 2013 at 10:20
I’m keeping my wishes inside my head from now on. Inside voice!
BTW, CoE or USACE?
May 3, 2013 at 09:53
If you ride that ADORABLE pink bike while carrying your camouflaged Flask Murse, I will love you longtime.
May 3, 2013 at 10:41
$25/hour for flask carrying, $35/hour for that plus pink bike rideage.
May 4, 2013 at 00:17
Don’t you get some time off for good behavior while in the Suck when you get home? Or do you have to go right back to work? That’s hardly fair! At least they fix the roads!
May 4, 2013 at 08:27
I could have, but I went straight to work and saved my time off for later.
May 4, 2013 at 17:33
What are you saving your time for? Some big trip?
May 4, 2013 at 18:17
My son’s high school graduation. I am in fact THAT old. Yep.
May 4, 2013 at 23:05
Wow, you had me fooled! Should I lend you my cane? 😉
May 5, 2013 at 07:22
On some mornings, I wish I had one.