As I sit here in some temporary quarters pecking away at my keyboard with my forehead, it is the Thursday, the 18th of April, 2013.  For my Rants Army out there who are quick on the click of the email notice that WordPress sends on my behalf, it is Sunday, the 21st of April.  You really have to love the time-delay post feature here.

Anyway, as you sit there putting off your Sunday chores or possibly resenting having to sit through a dry-ass sermon, or possibly quivering with the aftereffects of an epic boozefest last night, I’ll tell you that the funky little counter on my homepage that should say “10” days until I’m home is fucking lying to you.  I’ll take that shit down directly, when I can.

So, the news here – and please swallow whatever’s in your mouth – is that I’m back on American soil right now.

Yes, yes.  It will be all right.  My last tour I had to fight to get the fuck out of Afghanistan due to clerical error and fucktardedness.  This tour, I was serenely planning on starting to pack my duffle bags on the 24th or so, when I get a phone call telling me that I’m flying out of country on the 20th.  Paperwork was waiting for me, could I please come sign, pick it up, and start outprocessing?  Again, clerical error and fuckery – everyone thought the other guy told me.

Holy shit.  The saving grace here is and was my anal retentive nature.  I’d started organizing boxes of my crap that accumulated over these past twelve months to mail home.  So I parted with a hefty chunk of change that should keep the US Postal Service delivering on Saturdays for a few more months and set to ramming everything else into duffles, just the way I came here.

By now you’re asking yourself, “Is Rants actually ranting about having to come home earlier than he expected?”  To which I will answer: of course I am.  Not only will I stare a gift-horse in the mouth, but I’ll probably punch it’s teeth out for good measure as well.  I never pass an opportunity to bitch about something, right?

Really, though, it’s about having your mental plan shattered.  There was talk of extending my tour by three months, then this short-notice “Please go the fuck home. Now.”  I’m trained to adapt to chaos, but nobody ever told me that liking it was required.  In the end, it all comes down to money and how many hundreds of dollars less I’ll have to be paid, and another month that Uncle Sugar will get to sink the tax teeth into my wages.

So, Rants Army, enjoy your Sunday coffee as I empty my duffle bags here to sort through my shit for turn-in.  Four dense duffle bags will evaporate into one, and sometime this week, I’ll crack a beer from my front porch in Kansas and smile because…

The Suck will be a thing of the past.

39 Responses to “Surprise!”

  1. Nonsense. I can feel the joy emanating from this post. :p.

    Glad to know you’re back home : ) .

  2. Holy fucking fuckery. Welcome back early. Yay.

  3. whiteladyinthehood Says:

    That rocks, Rants! I’m so glad the suck is over for you! (enjoy that well-deserved beer)

  4. Hot damn and hellelujah! (Intentional misspelling). There are about a million afghanis and thousands of deployed troops breathing normally again! Glad you’re back on home turf safely you cranky MFer!

  5. Yeah, having your plans changed like that even when it’s for the better can mess up the head a bit. But I’m pretty sure you’ll get over the screw-up pretty quick.

    Welcome home, and thank you.

  6. Glad you’re home!

  7. Awright! Welcome home! (wish I knew of a “Cheers! Clink glasses!” smilie that would show up here… )

    and I totally understand about “…having your mental plan shattered.” ~ Even the most “wonderful” surprise still requires a lot of plan-shifting (which takes time, money and energy you didn’t expect to use for *that*).

    Here’s to your *new normal* :))

  8. Woot! Glad to know you’re back home safe! 🙂

  9. Shimoniac Says:

    Sounds like the Fairy Godmother department came through, but passed off notifying you to the Practical Joke department. But hey, at least you’re somewhere the very air doesn’t smell of shit anymore.
    Cheers. And Rant on

  10. I’m speechless! I may have to wait for Erickson to issue a proper “Welcome Back!” and just holler, Me Too! It feels good from this end too. 😀

  11. A belated Welcome home!

  12. Welcome home! Fab. Thank you for your service. Now, go enjoy your American beer. Unless you prefer Belgian…

  13. Congrats and good luck!

  14. Hard not to smile… it’s all a cluster fuck, indeed, but glad you’re safe and home. Welcome back!

  15. I don’t know what’s going on, but I’m not receiving your posts again. I happened to find this after I saw you comment on Guap’s site this week & it hit me over the head – I haven’t seen anything from Rants lately!!! Glad to have you back, but I had sorta gathered you were when you made a comment about the time difference between us lessening.

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