Why You Gotta Be A…

Why you gotta be a motherfucker… yeah, I cannot recall how many times someone has asked me that after I cut loose with the well-known and unhyphenated epithet. It’s one of my personal favorites, alongside fucktard, fruityass, and more recently douche lord. In extreme circumstances I will combine them for effect.

motherfucker

Sometimes, it’s the insignificant little things that cascade and make you break out in vile language. I started paying attention, and tried to assemble a list for you. So, why you gotta be a mothafucka? Because:

Paper trays in the mess hall will not separate without destroying them, motherfucker.

I turned in my uniform for laundering and got back an Adidas warmup ensemble, terrorist motherfucker.

Some al Qaeda fucktard will wear a uniform to get inside the walls and go boom, douche lord motherfucker.

I love slaving away on a project for eight months to have it pissed away by some two-star general motherfucker.

Some people see spandex as a right versus a privilege, maniphant motherfucker.

Some shit cannot be un-seen, Shamu motherfucker.

Some people were raised to think it’s okay to shave your pubes off and leave them in a pile on the shower floor, ass-nasty motherfucker.

I don’t need reminded that I’m a lieutenant colonel and you’re a colonel because that still doesn’t make you right, motherfucker.

Blog trolls who can’t differentiate fact from opinion still piss me off after two years, self-absorbed motherfucker.

Your apathy will not make the problem go away, make me work harder to fix it, or feel empowered, lazy motherfucker.

Walking around with a magazine locked and your finger in the trigger well gets you beat down, nervous panzie motherfucker.

Staring into the cooler for five minutes will not help you decide what kind of fruit juice to consume with your breakfast, dumb motherfucker.

Wearing a DIY uniform to look cool does not make you look cool, douchetastic motherfucker.

You’re in the Army and wearing a fucking hat is fucking mandatory, prettyboy metrosexual fruityass motherfucker.

If all you do during the day is make carbon dioxide and warm, colored water then you have no right to tell me no, obstinate tin-god motherfucker.

 By the way, I’m a people-person, you motherfucking motherfucker.

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72 Responses to “Why You Gotta Be A…”

  1. Look on the brightside. In 17 days you get a new set of.variables mixed in with some of those you know. Yay you! 😉

  2. What can I say? You live in an exceptionally dysfunctional environment and I haven’t heard of a Lt. Col. going ape nuts in Ashkanistan and wiping out a platoon or so of surprised asswipes. So, congratulations on your restraint.

  3. I love the last line!

  4. I’ll be a motherfucker!

  5. You left out the one about motherfuckers that make motherfucking lists.

    Oh…

    Fuck.

  6. Unrelated …. Brian if your name was think, and my name was thinking, and I was thinking you were thinking about me, thinking about you, in turn thinking about me. Would the paragraph read with only 4 words?
    Think’s thinking, Thinking’s thinking, that Think’s thinking, about Thinking thinking about Think thinking about think.
    Think about that.

  7. I can see your deployment has only increased your love and patience for all people.

  8. O how annoying people can be… There were a lot of assholes on the road today, and my father sweared at one of them, then said: “Now you should do it.”
    I like that attitude :). I still have to work on it though. But when I’m on my bike, you can be assured there will be some swearing.

  9. The Elite of Just Alright Says:

    Confucious says: “To fight the motherfuckers, ye must be a motherfucker.”

  10. thegeekyg4mer Says:

    That made me motherfucking laugh so much a wee bit o wee came out ffs lol

  11. I fucking love your motherfucking blog and fuck the fucking fuckers who don’t! (Can you guess my favorite fucking word in the fucking world?) Kat

  12. There you are – stuck in my reader! I’ve been missing your rants! MF post stealer!

  13. whiteladyinthehood Says:

    I’ll beat a motherfucker…with another motherfucker..(when I saw that yesterday – I cracked the hell up!!!) You are a CRAZY motherfucker….

  14. So hard to sit at my office desk and try to be quiet while I read your posts–this wheezing noise keeps emitting from my lungs!

  15. I’m with aplscruf (above). I’m reading this at my desk, trying not to laugh out loud. Ha ha, too late. Thanks for the mf post!

  16. I am stealing douche lord! Wish I had made that up.

  17. I will absolutely testify that you ain’t a … MF. (I think you are a HUGE one, but I’ll gladly testify on your behalf. 😉 )

  18. This picture is hilarious! Maybe check out my blog if anyone feels like it? Just starting and ill be sharing funny stories… Thanks!

  19. This paragraph offers clear idea in favor of the new viewers of blogging, that genuinely how to do blogging.

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