Chillin’ With The Man In Afghanistan (Part Two)

This is part two of my experience of hanging out with Jesus in Afghanistan. We left off in the middle of some mess hall dinner conversation:

  • Rants: “Okay, so what’s your take on Easter and all?”
  • Jesus: [inhales] “Disgusting!”
  • Rants: “Wow, I never would have thought it.”
  • Jesus: “No, this food… by Dad, how do you eat it?”
  • Rants: “Uh, carefully, and with Tums. Why don’t you just miracle that shit better?”
  • Jesus: “That’s showing off.”
  • Rants: “Not if it’s me asking for it.”
  • Jesus: “You’re pushing it. Anyway, Easter is fine with me I guess. I do really love those chocolate eggs with the yellow and white goo inside… At least you got the time of year right on that…” [sighs]
  • Rants: “But? What is it? The commercialism?”

We carry our trays to the stack and dump our trash. I’m amazed Jesus ate the leathery… meat… and whatever it was with it. Once outside, he continued with the answer:

  • Jesus: “You know when I left there was only one version of the word. Now I find so many. Why did they move the Sabbath to Sunday? Dad said the seventh day, right?”
  • Rants: “That’s what it says, yeah.”
  • Jesus: “I also don’t recall saying women couldn’t be priests… in fact I don’t recall saying anything about priests at all.”
  • Rants: “Wow. I’d have such a case of the ass if I were you.”
  • Jesus: “Thank Dad you’re not.”
  • Rants: “Roger that.”
  • Jesus: “It is frustrating, somewhat.”
  • Rants: “Being you? Or the other thing?”
  • Jesus: “No, there’s no goo-filled chocolate eggs here… and the whole ‘totally not what I intended’ thing.”
  • Rants: “Ah. Well, what’s your take?”
  • Jesus: “I was merely trying to clarify stuff. That and put a softer edge on the whole ‘God of vengeance’ thing.”
  • Rants: “You mean it was all straight PR and advertising?”
  • Jesus: “Mainly. It was not supposed to be all about me.”
  • Rants: What the fuck? You mean the entire New Testament is nothing but a new ad campaign?
  • Jesus: I wouldn’t describe it that way. Think of it as Religion 2.0…
  • Rants: And you wonder why I don’t bother…
  • Jesus: You’d be surprised at how much you do. Bother, that is.
  • Rants: Dude. Stop it.
  • Jesus: Look, none of us care. Call it a universal ordering function, God, god, physics, Zen, or … a stick. It’s all the same to us.
  • Rants: Why do I feel like I’m about to be smited. Smitten. Smite-ified.
  • Jesus: What, right here in front of all these good Afghan contract workers? Dad’s kind of past smiting folks. Too ostentatious.
  • Rants: Did you just say that out loud?
  • Jesus: Do you have people following what you say out loud?
  • Rants: Are you a therapist now?
  • Jesus: Do you need one?
  • Rants: Yes, I have for the past fifteen years. What’s with the questions answering questions, Jesus?
  • Jesus: What do you mean?
  • Rants: FUCK!
  • Jesus: Just messin’ with you, sorry.
  • Rants: *sigh*  Actually I do have people following things I say out loud…

That was all it took.  The Man abruptly thanked me for the worst dining experience of his… existence… to include that dinner.  I apologized, of course, but obviously I’m off the hook for that faux pax.  He told me he wouldn’t need any further escort, and needed to investigate this blogging thing I’d mentioned.

No telling what happens next.


28 Responses to “Chillin’ With The Man In Afghanistan (Part Two)”

  1. Wow!right about now,I am thinking of the phrase they use on T.V before a show,”The following may contain program,(in this case,print) inappropriate language,viewer ‘i.e reader in our case ‘
    discretion is advised, especially when Jesus speaks.Enjoyed reading this,thanks.

  2. Sure, make the disclaimer part of your tag. Warning: Site may contain inappropriate language and blasphemy. Reader discretion is strongly advised. Yay, boobies.

  3. Where’s the magic button to alert WP to brilliance? So worthy of Fresh Pressed.
    Amazing. (Grace couldn’t do better.)

  4. Well, at least we know he has a sense of humor.
    (As if US politics wasn’t proof enough…)

  5. whiteladyinthehood Says:


  6. Dear Lord, protect and keep safe, our fallen angel in darkest A**holestan, that he may continue to blog and lead us from boredom. Somebody’s gotta do it. Erickson’s still shoveling snow.

  7. Wait. We’re NOT supposed to do what you say? SERIOUSLY?!? Great, now I gotta go cancel that shipment of … um … never mind.
    (No snow, for now. Our next is – appropriately enough – Sunday. Smiting, anyone? 😀 )

  8. Did you cancel my subscription to your blog? I haven’t received anything for about 3 weeks & I was worrying about you & missing you & everything. I even sent you a Tweet! (sob)

  9. Rats! That means that the Last Supper wasn’t…this was. I imagine Da’Vinci will be forced to do another famous painting now…..I can see it now..Brain Rants and Jesus complaining over the menu…

  10. Although I do like this post, it’s time to tell The Man (fill in The Man’s Name here) you have more important things to do. Peeps need their blogs!

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