Chillin’ With The Man In Afghanistan (Part One)

So the scenario goes like this: being the outstanding desk jockey that I am here in Afghanistan, someone higher up my food chain clearly decided I had more than enough time on my hands and detailed me to be an Escort Officer for an incoming VIP. The VIP happened to be Jesus. Yes, the Jesus. This is normally done for high-level government types, Congressmen, and famous entertainers, and Kardashians. Being a military operation, and since Jesus was slightly less popular than Kim Kardashian, he needed an escort around the war zone, since rules are rules, and I was the stuck-ee.

Like a good officer, I went to the airfield to meet Jesus. After watching the aircraft empty with no halos or robes in sight, I turned to walk to the scheduling desk and ran into, of course, Jesus. Our conversation started immediately:

• Rants: “Jesus! I mean… holy shit, Jesus?“
• Jesus: “Yes, my child, I am Jesus.”
• Rants: “I can kinda tell… you have that whole… messianic thing going on, sorta. Sir.”
• Jesus: “And you are surprised?”
• Rants: “Hell no… I mean, Chris… goddamn it.”
• Jesus: [smiles] “Relax. You’re forgiven. That was a lower-case ‘g’.”
• Rants: “Okay. Coming from you I guess that settles it.”
• Jesus: “Yes, but just for that slip right there. Not for the rest.”
• Rants: “Oh… ok, Sir, I have quarters arranged for you, and this is your itinerary. You should know that this is probably not the best place to visit right now, given the whole Muslim thing going on here and all. We have a … robust … security detail for you.”
• Jesus: [rolls eyes] “Rants, okay, cut the ‘Sir’ crap, and I don’t think I’ll need security.”
• Rants: “But you have to have it. It’s mandatory. You could get blown…”
• Jesus: [eyebrow]
• Rants: “Roger that, Sir… sorry,” [makes a note] “Do you want to go to your quarters now, or are you hungry?”
• Jesus: “What do you think is best right now?”
• Rants: [gauging personal hunger] “Let’s eat.”

We hiked to the dining facility, where Jesus parted the crowd and loaded up on the slop they serve, me in trail. Jesus healed a Dutch guy suffering from being Dutch while he was waiting for his vegetable serving. More small talk ensued while being served and getting our sodas, and once seated, we could actually talk more casually even though surrounded by about 800 Coalition Soldiers…

• Jesus: “You have questions.”
• Rants: “I guess you’d know that. Okay, so straight up here, what the f… what is up with Christmas?”
• Jesus: [laughing deeply] “I’ve been wondering that myself for over two millenia now. I suppose it was all in the spirit of protecting the celebration. Though I have to truly wonder about the focus of it all now. It seems a bit … off of me.”
• Rants: “You don’t seem very pissed off.”
• Jesus: “Anger management class. After the whole temple episode, you know.”
• Rants: “Word!”
• Jesus: “Yes, it is.”
• Rants: “Okay, so what’s your take on Easter and all?”
• Jesus: [inhales]…

Stay tuned for more excerpts of “Chillin’ With The Man” here on this site!