Rantionary: “E” Is For…

In this ongoing series of posts that highlight the more colorful ways I wield – or bludgeon – the English language, I’ve come to the realization that this process of creating these is a lot like going to your basement (or attic, as the case may be) and randomly sifting through the boxes of useless shit you have stashed there. You know what I mean – you spot a box and open it, and an hour later you are asking yourself questions like, “Why do I still have this Yoda action figure?” and, “Whose fucking underwear is this?”

On to my list, brought to you today by the letter E:

Enema: (n, obj) The process of intentionally clearing out that body part or organ of choice requiring purging. This not only includes the standard medical colonic procedure, but encompasses the brain, stomach, and oral cavity as well. When employed outside of standard usage, the body part in question normally acts to modify the word enema.

Email Tennis: (n) A pointless and maddening activity found anywhere internet access and idiocy intersect, characterized by one fuckwit who will not – or cannot – just stop replying to notes, no matter how inane or pointless each successive reply becomes. This activity can be thought of as an adult, electronic, modern-day version of two preschoolers engaged in a verbal duel of “Oh Yeah?” This becomes epic by definition when the players are two cubicles away from one another.

Emotional Event: (n) The drama – or entertainment – that ensues when a person flips the fuck out and loses their rabbit-ass mind. An adult tantrum. When these emotional events become epic, they are known as significant emotional events.

Epic: (adj) The quality of a thing, action, or person being far beyond the norm, and often past those limits as well. Having the proportions commensurate with the stuff of legends. This modifier is appropriate when the speaker or writer believes the thing in question might possibly be the end-all, be-all of that thing in question. A condition far beyond description of ‘mega-.‘

Erickson: (v) To comment excessively on blogs; (n) A person possessed of a pathalogical need to blog comment or attempt to gain the last comment word, just shy of trollhood and at a productivity rate exceeding most Indian-coded SpamBots.

Estrogen Coefficient: (n) The factor by which a human male is overmatched by female human hormone effects, expressed as an ordinal whole number. As an example, a man living with his spouse and two daughters experiences an Estrogen Coefficient of three. Of note, the male’s odds of success at anything are inversely proportional to the estrogen coefficient.

Extended Blinking: (adj) The condition of being dead. Synonymous with a Very Long Blink.

As always, I cannot claim any kind of copyright on this shit, so use freely but with caution.  Remember, I’m opening the floor to the erudite and highly-creative suggestions at large from my Rants Army.  Got an awesome word?  Make a comment below!