Combat Bacon

I see a lot of traffic on the internetz about bacon. I’ve even done a post about bacon and mentioned the awesomehood of bacon on multiple occasions here. Why? Well, because bacon. Isn’t that fuckchunking reason enough?

I’ve found a new form of bacon that’s the awesomesauciest most deliciafuckinglicious kind of bacon anywhere, and there’s not a peep about it on the webz – until now. Yeah, the title of the post is a big cockblocking spoiler, I know. Obviously it’s Combat Bacon, and I’m here to drop this on your world like a MIRV-ed warhead of cholesterolgasms.

Like regular bacon, Combat Bacon is intrinsically amazing. Look it up in a recent dictionary, and it recursively refers to itself as its own self-definition. I may have just redundantly repeated myself again there. Suffice it to say that this is bacon taken to a whole new level of conflict. Combat Bacon happens when regular bacon fails to bring the sides of a problem together. It is quite useful for imposing your will on someone else, or merely walking in like a badass and taking whatever the fuck you want.

You’re probably asking yourself how one makes Combat Bacon. The complete details are uncertain, and what my limited time and mere mortal brain have enabled me to know are daunting. First, pure awesomesauce is distilled from Sofia Vergara’s sweat. It is mixed and cut down with Uranium, Ronald Reagan’s hair gel, and some other secret ingredients. Garlic is added for flavor. Disturbed is played during the process at top volume, and all of this occurs inside the turret of an Abrams tank.

This mixture is somehow loaded into Chuck Norris’ testicles (the how-to on that was missing) and then Sir Chuck, of Norris, is persuaded to inseminate the Holy Swine of Immaculate Bacon (again, the wiki here was not specific, but did cite that bacon lube was not needed because Chuck Norris). As this act will cause the pig to die, the fertilized ova are then implanted in Golden War Pigs by Mongol husbandry experts. In a pinch, John Erickson may be used, but only if he fits inside the pig’s vagina. Overall, suffice it to say porking happens.

During the gestation period, the Golden War Pigs are fed beer, the ground-up dead enemies of America (which hints at why Canadianianian bacon is not bacon), more beer, In-n-Out hamburgers, gunpowder, beer, and Jack Daniels. They are pampered like royalty, massaged more thoroughly than Kobe beef, and more or less get the day off every day.

On the day of rendering, knives of pure Mayan gold are used, and each worker must rest after cutting a slice of Combat Bacon from the Glorious Golden War Pig lest he or she suffer from awesome overload. The Combat Bacon is packaged in neutronium-lined crates and shipped to distant and dusty locations around the globe, wherever American Service Members wake up hungry.

Combat Bacon is not for everyone. In all cases, ingestion includes combat.  Side effects can include general increases in hotness, male enhancement and spontaneous breast growth in women, and embarrassing priapism – embarrassing for everyone else without Combat Bacon, that is. Some instances of telekinesis and Shatnerism have been reported, as well as the ability to solve a Rubik’s cube using one’s pituitary gland and the mastery of Chinese Calculus.

I know you’re applauding now, and I’d stand and take a bow, but I can’t. Because Combat Bacon.

50 Responses to “Combat Bacon”

  1. I’m so confused!!! I feel like you are talking about actual bacon, but then think combat bacon is a euphemism for something else…

    Either way, now I’m craving bacon.

  2. JanCorey Says:

    Muslims don’t eat bacon, right? If true. shouldn’t that be reason enough to avoid?

  3. Mother of …. (0.o) I not sure what you were going for here….. but combat bacon has gone so much further and yet remains at that level of mind bending awesomeness usually reserved for bacon and nothing else.

    Also, I’m not sure how wordpress hasn’t broken from so much awesome in one post. (y)

  4. I’m so confused . . . now I want bacon! Too bad it’s about 10 hours away from breakfast! Are we down to double digits yet?

  5. i’m confused 😦
    is Kevin Bacon?

  6. whiteladyinthehood Says:

    Wow! I’m breathing harder and my boobs just grew two sizes bigger and that was just from reading about it…

  7. The Elite of Just Alright Says:

    Sure, John gets a mention but I don’t! Jerk…

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  9. Gee, you DO still love me! And here I thought you’d gone and forgotten about me. 😉
    If you’re a good little soldier, and eat all your MREs, I might just pick you up the TV series “United States of Bacon”. Some fat guy on Travel Channel goes around the country, looking for “bacon joints”. (I assume they mean places that sell bacon, because the idea of a bacon/marijuana combo would just be TOO good!) Maybe that’ll be my welcome home present to you. One of the commercials for it I’ve seen, has the guy standing in front of a cube, about 3′ to a side, made of woven bacon strips. Thank God I swapped my V-chip out for an anti-cholesterol chip! 😀

  10. Ooookay then, I’ll just stand quietly over here while you and your bacon get better acquainted.

  11. The only way to get my mitts on this awesomeness is to enlist?
    Maybe I can talk one of my brothers into bringing some back from the land of A-stan…
    When you come back, I have a recipe you’re going to love: bacon-wrapped, queso-stuffed jalapenos! There is no better way to show up to a Super Bowl party.

  12. Anonymous Says:

    So is bacon ice cream. Go to all american bacon .com

  13. While I am standing and clapping, only part of it is for your bacon rant.
    The other part is to celebrate your fearlessness.

    Because I’m pretty sure you just called Chuck Norris a pig fucker.

  14. I guess that turkey bacon would be the spam of military bacon.

  15. Wow. That was a mouth-full. I can see this working for an army recruiter. “…But we have COMBAT BACON!”

  16. Warrior Girl Says:

    Best post ever. I thoroughly enjoyed this “joy rant.”

  17. […] Bacon grease. Used to taste, but I put in at least four healthy tablespoons of it. Make sure there are little brown bits in what you’ve collected. Bacon! […]

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