I see a lot of traffic on the internetz about bacon. I’ve even done a post about bacon and mentioned the awesomehood of bacon on multiple occasions here. Why? Well, because bacon. Isn’t that fuckchunking reason enough?
I’ve found a new form of bacon that’s the awesomesauciest most deliciafuckinglicious kind of bacon anywhere, and there’s not a peep about it on the webz – until now. Yeah, the title of the post is a big cockblocking spoiler, I know. Obviously it’s Combat Bacon, and I’m here to drop this on your world like a MIRV-ed warhead of cholesterolgasms.
Like regular bacon, Combat Bacon is intrinsically amazing. Look it up in a recent dictionary, and it recursively refers to itself as its own self-definition. I may have just redundantly repeated myself again there. Suffice it to say that this is bacon taken to a whole new level of conflict. Combat Bacon happens when regular bacon fails to bring the sides of a problem together. It is quite useful for imposing your will on someone else, or merely walking in like a badass and taking whatever the fuck you want.
You’re probably asking yourself how one makes Combat Bacon. The complete details are uncertain, and what my limited time and mere mortal brain have enabled me to know are daunting. First, pure awesomesauce is distilled from Sofia Vergara’s sweat. It is mixed and cut down with Uranium, Ronald Reagan’s hair gel, and some other secret ingredients. Garlic is added for flavor. Disturbed is played during the process at top volume, and all of this occurs inside the turret of an Abrams tank.
This mixture is somehow loaded into Chuck Norris’ testicles (the how-to on that was missing) and then Sir Chuck, of Norris, is persuaded to inseminate the Holy Swine of Immaculate Bacon (again, the wiki here was not specific, but did cite that bacon lube was not needed because Chuck Norris). As this act will cause the pig to die, the fertilized ova are then implanted in Golden War Pigs by Mongol husbandry experts. In a pinch, John Erickson may be used, but only if he fits inside the pig’s vagina. Overall, suffice it to say porking happens.
During the gestation period, the Golden War Pigs are fed beer, the ground-up dead enemies of America (which hints at why Canadianianian bacon is not bacon), more beer, In-n-Out hamburgers, gunpowder, beer, and Jack Daniels. They are pampered like royalty, massaged more thoroughly than Kobe beef, and more or less get the day off every day.
On the day of rendering, knives of pure Mayan gold are used, and each worker must rest after cutting a slice of Combat Bacon from the Glorious Golden War Pig lest he or she suffer from awesome overload. The Combat Bacon is packaged in neutronium-lined crates and shipped to distant and dusty locations around the globe, wherever American Service Members wake up hungry.
Combat Bacon is not for everyone. In all cases, ingestion includes combat. Side effects can include general increases in hotness, male enhancement and spontaneous breast growth in women, and embarrassing priapism – embarrassing for everyone else without Combat Bacon, that is. Some instances of telekinesis and Shatnerism have been reported, as well as the ability to solve a Rubik’s cube using one’s pituitary gland and the mastery of Chinese Calculus.
I know you’re applauding now, and I’d stand and take a bow, but I can’t. Because Combat Bacon.