Embracing The Suck – Part Three

Yet another angry venting of my cerebrum, semi-live from Afghanistan, also known as The Suck.  Not a lot of extended preamble is necessary here, so on with the program.

It must be the water.  I have serious concerns about the food here.  Maybe the water.  Perhaps both, but keep in mind we are provided all the bottled water we can swill, so that kind of narrows things down.  Also, it’s not the taste of the food, though it could improve a lot.  It is edible fuel.  The side effects are killing all of us, and I’m talking about gas.  I speak for my colleagues here in my wonderment at the phenomenon.  I have no idea how many cubic miles of gas I’ve vented – or endured at the hands asses of others – but I’m thankful my boots are large and heavy because otherwise I’d float away.

Protection.  I stopped taking my antimalaria pills, not because I’m a rebel without a clue, but because A) there are no mosquitoes here, and B) that shit was literally killing me.  Keep in mind this is for my protection.  Anyway, I figured out after about three months of downward-spiral health that these mild antibiotics were keeping me from sleeping well, dissolving my stomach, and generally fucking me up completely.  Never fear, I tucked my stomach lining back in and I’m driving on.

Slow Death.  Nothing moves slower than a staffing action here in The Suck.  Over here, you ask a simple fucking question in July and then get an answer in January.  Makes sense, right? This only applies where ‘yes’ is the answer. For a ‘no,’ you get it nearly instantaneously, sometimes retroactively.  Even better, here you can get it in various languages.  Dari: “Neh.” English (American): “Fuck y’all, no.” English (English): “Please ask again later. Cheers!”  French: “Le no!” Canadian: “No, hey.” Mongolian: *click* (AK-47 going off ‘safe’).

I at least can say that I am more than two-thirds done with my year.  That’s something, right?  Right?

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29 Responses to “Embracing The Suck – Part Three”

  1. That’s a BIG ‘something’, my friend!
    Frickin’ HUGE, as a matter of fact.

  2. About the gas, are you-all ‘wolfing down’ that horrible food, too? ‘Cuz eating too fast, not chewing much, and swallowing air along with it can have that effect, too…

  3. Not that being bored back home will be fun, but glad you’re closer to it every day.
    And stop pissing off the Mongolians.

  4. I bet those cooks are following the Food Guide & “filling” you people up with fibre (which can be horribly gassy) so you won’t get consitpated. Betcha? So glad April is getting closer every day!

  5. I can only imagine the smell…is it enough to cover the smell of war?

  6. As a fellow blogger, I so appreciate your candid honesty. As a fellow questioning patriot of “The System”, I commend you your candid honesty. (!)

    Keep ranting, Brian–your words are inspiring to maintain chin-up, grin-and-bear-it attitude.

    Yes, dear sir, rant on!!!

  7. whiteladyinthehood Says:

    Thank goodness for those large heavy boots!

  8. Damn Rant you’re missed stateside.
    Your gas attacks sound akin to the unbearable War of the Original Roses -my first ex-husband.
    Praise allah for those boots.

    Your description of the military and their utmost efficiency cracked me up. Sure it’s not funny now but 20 years from today… it will still piss you off.
    No really, reminds me of my dad’s stories. He fought in the ‘Police Action’ in Korea. That wasn’t a war either. Hey! Cool huh? You’re not in a war, it’s just a Peace Mission!

    Be well my friend and keep those missives (not missiles) coming.

  9. I’m guessing the ventilation systems in any buildings just can’t keep up with the flatluence?
    Been sending the little bro cases of granola bars lately because the food has been so bad in Bagram. Sounds like it’s not better for you guys but so glad you’ve only got a few more months left!
    Are you supposed to be back by March?

    • I’m sure he’s digging the granola. Should be back in May – don’t pay too much attention to the countdown thing on my front page – it doesn’t tally the remainder days of a month.

  10. Isn’t it truly interesting that “yes” comes out in SO many variations in various languages, yet “no” is practically universal? (Never mind the safety being switched off – THAT is truly universal! 😉 )
    We’re what, 110-ish on the days left? Ya GOTTA get that countdown clock going! 😀

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