Did You Just Say That Out Loud? #8

If my evil plans come to fruition as I expect them to fruit, you’re reading this on the first day of January, 2013. Which is, at least, the year of my return from Kharjakkistan. Or whatever buttcrakkistan I’m in. Fuck me… anyway, keeping up the time-capsule routine of these, I wrote and posted (with scheduling) in April ’12. Wicked awesome, huh? Yeah, baby.

Read on:

“Yeah, sure. Why not? My colon is a fucking two-lane highway already, right?”

“If I was Chuck Norris, you’d be dead retroactively for a century.”

“Oh… Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!”

“You in good with any of the guards?” (To the person next to me during a teleconference)

“Just relax and let it happen… it hurts less that way.”

MotherfuckingtittysuckintwoballedBITCH!!!” [Spoken as all one word]

“Oh shit. What’s up, Sir?” (To my boss, coming to ask a question)

“Hi… I’m M. BrainRants… kill me now.” (During an introduction)

“Your member club card will be in the mail tomorrow. Promise.”

“I am so happy right now, I could just fart.”

Eat this shit up, yo.

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62 Responses to “Did You Just Say That Out Loud? #8”

  1. Warrior Girl Says:

    Did he really say “Buttcrakkistan?” Imagine our surprise when we all discover Rant is actually an 7-year old boy…..

  2. Warrior Girl Says:

    You had us at “Buttcrakkistan”…..However, this MAY have negative impacts on FUTURE B-R Army recruiting…..unless you’re still offering free toasters…..?

  3. Love the member card!

  4. I wonder – has anyone ever said something where you just looked at them and said (out loud) “Dude, I’m blogging that”?
    And how did that go over?

    Have a great new year, Rants, and all of yours!

    • I have in fact done that. My response normally fits the reaction you would get if you had a penis growing from your forehead. Like that.

      Happy New Year to you too, Guapo! You rock!

  5. Maaan, I know I’ve said this before but I wish I knew you in real life! You must be a wholelot of fun :).

  6. Happy New Year, Rants! Be safe!

  7. Rants of past, present, and future is holding sway over the blogosphere once again [cue Twlight Zone theme].

    Little Army bro #2 was visiting from the Defense Language Institute in Monterey for the weekend and we had a lot of those “did you just say that out loud” moments. You’d have been proud!

  8. The best one:

    “Just relax and let it happen… it hurts less that way.”

    LMAO! That’s goooooood.

  9. The countdown begins . . . doo doo doo doo (theme from Twilight Zone). Best for 2013 BR!

  10. Shane! Come back, Shane!….Uh, RANTS!!

  11. They use the “motherfuckingtittysucking…” epithet in the movie “Paul”. You might want to look into a lawsuit if you came up with it first. Just sayin’.
    Think of it this way. You will spend fewer days of 2013 in Grabassistan than you spent in 2012. You will spend MORE days in THIS country than in the Sandbox – provided the Army doesn’t drop you into limbo for a few months (a definite possibility, I know).
    Happy 2013!

    • I’m keeping all of that in mind, John. Thanks!

    • WooHoot! ^^^That rocks, John!

      …and even if the PTB stash Rants somewhere besides “home, home on the range” for a while, I can’t think of a less pleasant posting than Grabassistan, at least in the beginning. (it would still be Da Army, but …)

      • I COULD think of one place less pleasant – my hometown of Chicago. Believe it or not, our beloved tanker would be safer in downtown Kabul than in the Windy City, especially at the current rate of murders.
        Then there’s the scenic DEW line, up where the temperature is so cold, the snow is actually frozen air. I’d also add the Aleutians, but I think the base there is Coast Guard, so our boy is safe, as long as he doesn’t trade tanks for boats! 😀

        • I don’t know of an Army base in Chicago, either, though.
          And mostly, the real danger of shootings depends on the neighborhood…

          What’s the story with your fascination with the Aleutians, anyway?

          • There DID use to be an armoury either on the south side of the downtown area or near South Side. But just like the Air Force Reserve base out at O’Hare, it’s gone. (Sigh. I miss seeing C-130s and KC-135s flying overhead, though I have recently been buzzed by Apaches and Blackhawks!)
            I’ve always liked “underdog” things related to WW2. Little known battles, odd hardware, you name it. Few people know that there was action in the Aleutian chain during the war, and even fewer realise that the Japanese actually invaded and occupied US territory (Alaska wasn’t a state yet, it was a “territory” like Guam is today). Attu and Kiska islands were the two invaded by Japan, while we based on several others including Adak and Unalaska. Today, there is at least a Coast Guard base on Kiska, and I think there are some minor Naval or CG bases elsewhere in the chain, and they have the WORST weather. High winds, lots of rain and snow, and the most barren terrain this side of the Gobi desert. Not as cold as you’d think, but plenty miserable. A good place to exile smart-aleck ex-tanker Lieutenant Colonels! 😀

          • Don’t forget: the Japanese also shelled California from submarines, and I think the Germans parked theirs in NY Harbor for a while…

          • I remember knowing all of that!
            ~ Not that I could have brought it to mind if somebody asked – lots of good history on TV, and conversations with Daddy, Uncles and friends left a mark though…

          • Don’t worry – we tend to recall that which is relevant to each of us.

          • Good grief, man, what time is it over there? It’s 2am in Chicago!

          • As-of typing this, it’s 1:21pm / 1321 military.

          • I guess I’m the one who needs the “Good Grief!” ~
            Have a good day – I’m going to bed! 😉

        • Solution to Chicago: bring the tank with you! 😉
          Put those hummer-drivers in their place (= flat)

  12. And let’s not forget the only mainland casualties of the war, an unfortunate Oregonian and a group of children, who found and set off one of the infamous “balloon bombs”. Really clever devices, actually, despite their one murderous success (and huge numbers of failures).

  13. Well, only ’cause you asked so nice. Though it’s gonna be from my memory, which is faulty at best, so ya might wanna double-check me via Wiki.
    The Japanese actually knew about the high-altitude winds known as “the jet stream” before we in the States did, and knew there was a current that traveled across the Pacific to the US west coast. So they made hydrogen-filled silk and paper balloons, hung one high-explosive bomb and about a dozen incendiary devices, as well as ballast bags, from a gimmick with an altimeter and an automated ballast-release system that dropped a bag if the balloon sank beneath a certain altitude. The idea was to set fire to the forest expanses in the Northwest, and would’ve worked great, but they released most of them just as the rainy season started over here! Most balloons never made it, and most of the few that did either didn’t set the bombs off, or blew up in the middle of unoccupied forest. One rig was discovered by (I think) a minister with 6 kids (2 of his own – again, I think), and in poking around, set it off. It really was a clever and cheap system to do random “terror” bombing, requiring no strategic materials like steel or aluminum (other than the bomb casings and little bits of the altimeter and release systems) and none of Japan’s limited manpower.
    And did you know that the Japanese not only made submarine aircraft carriers, but planned to torpedo the Panama canal locks? That’s another story, for another time….. 😉

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