Tea Party!

I had to pause my ongoing bitchfest here from Camp Morningwood in the middle of The Suck and try and say something positive about my surroundings.  Yes, yes – I know this is scary and you’re not used to that.

Up front, a disclaimer: THIS IS NOT A POLITICAL POST. If you’re a half-drunk, overly-opinionated, self-righteous asshatted douchenozzle who wants to wade in and troll my comments on my blog, I’d suggest you go the fuck away and crawl back into whatever little self-created world of fuckery you exist in where you’re god and everyone else exists for your entertainment and self-aggrandizement because in my world, that makes you a target.

Anyway, on with my rant, which is brought to you by the letter T, who also sponsors tanks.

A while back, challenged with poor sleep and an Army who (oddly) expects me to be awake on duty, I began to feel challenged in my efforts to stay conscious when I stopped moving. Like any good Soldier, I leveraged the power of caffeine to do this. I was awake, I was good – for a while. Enter the evil malaria pills.

Naturally, the Army hands these out for our protection. They’re a low-level, low-dose antibiotic that allegedly helps prevent malaria in the event you’re infected. I’ve yet to see data supporting their efficacy, but I do have personal experience in their side effects. First, they’re a stimulant, so taking one before bed gives you funky dreams if you can fall asleep. Second, the chemistry of the doses has the effect of eroding your stomach lining, so taking them with breakfast means your oatmeal is about to give you heartburn.

I figured this out by myself, I’d point out. Throwing strong coffee down my throat, or worse – soda pop (carbolic acid) – was making my life hell, and so was not being awake. So I did what I do best – I made a decision. Based on the fact that I’d seen exactly two mosquitoes in the summer months here, I stopped taking the anti-malaria shit. It doesn’t hurt to breathe now, and water no longer causes pain.

Along the way, though, I rediscovered a drink that I’d forgotten tasted so good. Iced tea. Yep, sweetened of course, and dispensed from those awesome bubbler fountain things. For extra caffeine, I throw in a teabag and let that shit get dark. Amazing. Even better, I’m not seeing any side effects yet. I do think it’s odd I’m getting a darker tan going into winter here, but oh well.

38 Responses to “Tea Party!”

  1. Shimoniac Says:

    I’d respectfully like to point out that soda pop is carbonic acid. Carbolic acid can be used as an antiseptic, paint stripper, and, in high concentrations, nerve toxin.

  2. I wish tanks sponsored my blog too. That would be so cool.

  3. Maybe that should be the weapon of choice in upper asshat…carbolic acid. The terrorists won’t know what hit them.

  4. Mmmm sweet tea. It’s my personal ambrosia. Actually, that goes for almost any kind of tea. If you have access to chamomile,try it before bed. Very relaxing.

    As always, I’m loving the humor! Hehe. Asshatted douchnozzle. That’s great. Mind if I steal it for personal use? I know a few people I’d like to say that to.

  5. Glad to hear you’ve finally come over to the dark side – dark tea, of course. No worries on the skin tone, though,, ’cause if tea DID tan you, my skin would be blacker than a lump of coal at midnight on a moonless night. For the best tea, there’s an easy formula – add tea bags until you can slice off the amount you want to drink. 😉
    And .. um .. well, not to pimp myself TOO much here, but you might want to swing by my latest post. Pay attention to the picture on the far right. (No, NOT the picture of C-rations, you Visigoth! 😀 )

  6. I did the same thing man, the very same thing.

    I have pill bottles filled with Doxy at home that I never used. I did end up seeing some mosquitoes and freaked out a little while I was over there one time. I took the damn pill but apparently its worthless unless you’ve been taking them for months at a time. Oh well I survived.

  7. Iced Tea has been our beverage of choice for a lot of years. It is the ambrosia of the gods……………..right.

  8. Have you tried dissolving the malaria pills in the iced tea?
    Sorry, someone elses I mean.

  9. Sweetened, or unsweetened?

    • Me? I am not sweet at all, but I do my tea here using the little pink packets.

      • Awright, you pass…sweet enough! Now then, get the hell home, will ya?

      • Oh, good God man! Use REAL sugar! The stuff in the pink packets is more dangerous than shoving a DU round up your butt! (Don’t know why you WOULD, but hey – bored guys come up with strange ideas of “fun”.) Seriously – the pink-pack stuff will KILL ya.

        • Yes, gerbils fed 500x their body weight daily of pink packet stuff died. Did you also know that dihydrogen oxide can also be lethal, and it’s EVERYWHERE!

          • Dihydrogen oxide? Well, Hello, Mr. Chemistry Major! 😀
            Actually, there are folks who are allergic to the stuff. My wife is highly so, and sports a large number of symptoms including breathing problems and terrible headaches. If you can tolerate the stuff (and you’re probably pretty tough, having had to suck diesel fumes, cordite, and bits of vapourised DU), more power to ya. Me, well, I’d rather suffer the few extra calories.
            And try to stay out of the dihydrogen oxide, okay? It’ll make that plate in your head rust. 😉

  10. Can’t wait for you to be able to board the plane & zip back home!

  11. whiteladyinthehood Says:

    Dang, that was a heck of a disclaimer. Were you feeling a little wrath with that one….I was gonna say I hope you invited Fred to the tea party, but I’m scared to now.
    You should take your medicine like you’re supposed to and tea is awesome – it’s Tea’ rrific….

  12. Always looking on the bright side, Rants!
    I wonder if that’s why my bro has been having so much trouble sleeping too…

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