Recycled Christmas Spirit

I put this gem up last year around this time to let you all know how much I truly despise this time of the year. I could have done another, new one, but put me in a dress and call me Sally, I really don’t think I can do better than this:

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(Originally posted 02 December 2011)

I posted a rant about Black Friday about a week ago, and in true BrainRants’ brain fashion, I just now remembered the other major gripe I had that day when I wrote. Typical. Between the four or five unruly voices in my head and the need to keep overwhelming amounts of information crammed in there for immediate retrieval, simple tasks like pissing, keeping my heart beating, and remembering simple shit become major operations.

Anyway, the shit that is sandpapering my balls today is the Christmas Holiday. Every fucking year, it’s the same shit, and because there’s money to be made on it, we have to endure this fuckwittery for almost a month immediately after I wake up from my Thanksgiving tryptophan coma. I normally hit this time of year and quickly scream, “What, already!? We just did this shit!” It is precisely the entire commercialism-driven mania that puts Chrismas way down at the bottom of my list of favorite holidays. Yes, even underneath Columbus Day (and I’m not remotely Portuguese) and Arbor Day (trees fucking rock!). A short list of ass-chappers:

Music: There are about two Christmas songs I can endure, and not all renditions of them are really worth it. I dig Little Drummer Boy because it has a military cadence, and O Holy Night sung by Martina McBride. That’s about it. Everything else makes my neurons curl and burn. About the last thing I want my all-Disturbed-all-the-time station to break format with is Frosty the Motherfucking Snowman.

Decorations: Right, let’s not and just say we did. Stand on a ladder wearing two of everything in a stiff north wind of Arctic Canadian origin and hang tiny lights that will burn out the second I hook them all together? Sure, sounds awesome. Not. Here’s some vise-grips; pull out my fingernails and that will simulate the frostbite I’m about to get.

Feed The World: Technically this falls under music too, but so help me if I ever lose it and climb a tower with a high-power rifle and a bag of cheese sandwiches, hearing this song will be the trigger. It was stupid as fuck in the ’80′s, so why would we think it has improved with age? Explain the logic of making a donation so a Muslim kid can feel the joy of Christmas to me.

Extreme Sap: Every season it’s the same shit – “This is the story of poor little Timmy…” Stop there. It’s sad, and it’s heartbreaking that he has no arms or legs and wants to wiggle-float across the English Channel before he dies of the congential upside-down heart he has. Really. I want to know why we have to wait until Christmas to make it an issue. Don’t you think Timmy could’ve used the donations a few months ago at the beginning of Summer? Do we require Christmas in order to be kind?

Trees: Christmas trees are a pain in the ass from start to finish. Getting them tuned perfectly in the stand is a test of patience nearly beyond me. Decorating them is only fun if I’m drunk enough to try it overhand. They die four days after putting them up. I love they way they smell, so someday I’ll grow an asspile of them and then be able to enjoy them all year. I can inhale them so forcefully I’ll have needles lodged in the underside of my frontal lobe all summer.

Fabrications: We’re all fully aware that Jesus was in fact born in the Spring, and that the church moved the holiday to correspond with a pagan solstice festival, right? No? Okay, then go back and repeat life from the 5th grade forward. And do I need to mention Santa Claus?

I probably just offended half of the English-reading world with this, and in response my Give a Fuck meter just sheared off the “zero” peg. Yeah, yours truly at his best, putting the “X” back in “Xmas.”

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42 Responses to “Recycled Christmas Spirit”

  1. JanCorey Says:

    We’re right with you on this B.R., right there beside you. Stay safe.

  2. I wasn’t following you last year so I didn’t get to see this. I agree with some of this but I do actually like the idea of a celebration to bring families together. If we have to put up with some of the other stuff to have a celebration, then I think it’s worth it. TO A POINT! Let’s start the build up to Christmas on December 1 – no decorations before then, start 24 hour Xmas music on Dec. 15th. Can’t help you with Xmas trees because I love them! But it would cut down on some of the hassle. Agree?

  3. A wise man told me I needed to “embrace the suck.” It’s really strange, but when I do things change. They may still suck, I now I like it that way. Isn’t that all that matters. Thank you for that, and your service keeping my unworthy ass sleeping relatively safe at night. Happy Festivus!

  4. I liked it last year, and I’ve *liked* it again. A little bit of Rants goes a long way as an antidote to Commercialmas. I went into a store yesterday and heard Twist Around the Clock. Still better than Rudolph.

  5. hey! I happen to love christmas. Not the grown up pathetic lights, clothes, gifts and mall. There’s always something to feel good about, Christmas, more than any other season, brings that.

    can’t blame you, you’ve turned into a “suckistan scrooge”. 😀
    You need a good dose of sled bang in head and a ride in a urine composite snow to get you into the spirit of fun haha…

    • body{font-size:10pt;font-family:arial,sans-serif;background-color:#ffffff;color:black;}p{margin:0px;}

      This: “…sled bang in head and a ride in a urine composite snow…” is just hilarious.

  6. I hate Christmas..all of it. Especially today when it is 85 degrees and I’ll see at least 3 Santas in cut offs, parrot head shirt, and flip flops . Decorated palm trees trigger my gag reflex and “dashin Through the Snow” makes me want to lose my shit. Literally lose my shit. Bah hum-fuck.

    • Shimoniac Says:

      …dashing thru the sand/ In the Tropics sure is grand/ Over the dunes we go…/ Looking for some snow…/

      Sung to the beat of Jingle Bells `dashing thru the snow’ refrain. Endlessly. I heard that from my father in the middle of summer once. I’ve never quite understood it, or been able to forget. Maybe you’ll have some use for it.

    • A membership card is in the mail.

  7. Good to see some misanthropy here…I missed ya, bru.

  8. Oh Holy Night gets me every single time. I’m sure you will give me a colossal eye roll, but Lea Michele (from Glee) sings probably the best version I have ever heard. I almost cried!

    And I am right there with you. I hate this time of year. I enjoy Christmas day because I have kids, but I hate trying to go anywhere and God forbid I have the kids with me in a store this time of year. It’s like asking them to break something or have a colossal meltdown. I tried to go to Bed Bath and Beyond yesterday and I couldn’t even walk near a register. They were all packed with morons! I ended up leaving.

  9. Your totally best words ever. Couldn’t agree more. And I thought I was the only one who was washed out on the ‘Holiday Season’ the day I heard/saw the first sign of it.

  10. Brilliantly put, Sally!
    (And you look great int hat dress.)

  11. I hope your a merry Christmas person and not a happy holidays person. It is bad enough that it has become about the all mighty dollar, lets not fuck up any more of it with that ploitically correct crap.
    Anyways. I enjoy Christmas for the lights. I know I am sick. But putting up 20,000 twinkling, blinking, flashing lights synchronized to music….and annoying the piss out of my neighbors…makes me happy!!
    Merry Christmas Rants. Stay safe and return home in one insane piece!!

  12. You, sir, are perhaps THE most offensive, irritating, and truly emotionally disturbed person on the face of this planet. And if you EVER try to change, I’m gonna swim all the way to the Sandbox and kick you ass from Kabul non-stop to Chicago, then pitch you head first into Lake Michigan with your full kit on. GOT IT?!? 😉
    Amen all around. Though, I gotta admit, a picture of a WW2 GI sitting on his steel pot, writing a letter home while “I’ll Be Home For Christmas” will destroy me EVERY time. But you really do need to look into “A Twisted Christmas”. The fact that “We’re Not Gonna Take It” and “O Come All Ye Faithful” sync up so well is just SICK – in all its’ meanings! 😀
    Oh – and maybe I’ll drop you a line in two weeks. A guy only turns 50 once, and I can’t think of anyone else (other than my wife) I’d love to share it with. Until then, keep your head up, your butt down, and sand outta ALL your crevices – yours and your weapon’s. 😉

  13. whiteladyinthehood Says:

    (you’re so funny) Great post with good points. (Do I also remember a post or 2 from last year about you being in search for a ‘real’ Christmas tree because you thought the fake ones were crap…and maybe stringing garland down some stairs…hhhmmm…I must be slippin’…) I’ll think about ya as I hum some Xmas tunes and put out my collection of snowmens….

  14. Hmm… you don’t like Christmas music? I am afraid I am unable to relate as I generally spend the holidays camped out in shopping mall parking lots, snuggling up as close as possible to one of the outdoor speakers that continually spew out approximately 35 different holiday songs on loop.
    Just kidding. I walk through Target with earplugs in. 🙂

  15. Amen brother amen. Every year it gets harder & harder to deal with the Christmas commercialism.
    And I really, really hate blue Christmas lights.
    Have as Happy a Holiday as possible over there, and be safe.

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