Embracing The Suck – Moving

Hi.  How the hell are you?  Great, great.  Me? Let’s just say I’ve had better weeks.  Today, Rants Army, I’ll regale you with the sordid tale of what has kept me from actually doing any work this week.  In general, you all know it as “moving.”  Unlike many of my previous posts’ themes, this one has absolutely no bearing on porcelain.  At least not directly.

I used the word ‘sordid’ on purpose, because the backstory to this is the genesis of my anger.  If you’ve ever read the book or used the title to deride someone or something, this little acre of hell is truly a Peyton Place.  Nobody is ever content with what they have, and the assclownery goes down daily.  Short story – someone liked our offices better than theirs.  When their rank/influence failed to force us to move, fellatio, a taste for sodomy and other weaknesses were exploited. 

I opposed all of this mightily using logic, then reason, then begging, then anger.  In the end, I got invited to a facilities management meeting so that the Colonel in charge could publicly tell me: “Shut the fuck up and color,” without benefit of a witty retort.

Thus we color.  Overall, this event turned out to be a draw in terms of awesomesauce vs. shit sandwich.  A brief synopsis, if you will:

Toilets: WIN – On the upside, we upgraded on the toilet side because we now have eight to select from versus one.  FAIL – the stalls, when closed, are approximately two inches from the lip of the bowl.

Office: WIN – Mine is bigger, cleaner and no longer shared.  FAIL – The fuckwits who built the building clearly have no idea why caulking a window is a good thing, and the heater is only good for cycling through the de-ice cycle, and it’s winter.

Network: WIN – New server and IT infrastructure with less dust and dirt.  FAIL – Said server keeps kicking in a port security algorhythm, which cuts my phone and access to porn important regional news.

Commute: WIN – I have to walk my worthless fat ass farther to eat, thereby burning off some of my worthless fat in advance of meals.  FAIL – I have to walk my worthless fat ass farther to eat, thereby raising my level of intolerance for those who like to clog the tiny bypasses in the mess hall as they gaze in window-licking wonderment into the soda cooler waiting for divine inspiration.

Productivity: WIN – Everyone gets a break from the grind while we tote our shit across Camp – motherfucking – Cupcake.  Yay!  FAIL – Something important didn’t get done, and important shit is important.

Overall, as noted, a draw.  But really we all lose here, because ultimately this will cost the Army – and therefore you, Homey the Taxpayer – some money.  So you musically-inclined readers can gin up a Real Men of Genius ode for this one.  Make sure you mention two Colonels (neither one my boss) who, acting in their own self-righteous interests, managed to finesse this deal of the century at our expense.  I should have known you were lying to be earlier, because A) your lips were moving, and B) your breath smelled like humid cock, you cocksucking cocksucker.


25 Responses to “Embracing The Suck – Moving”

  1. Moving sucks anywhere, it moves to a new level of suckdom in upper grabassistan. Even though you’re shitting out of the stall, at least there are 7/8 less ass on the seat your sitting on! (Did I do my math right?)

  2. Maybe you could get rid of the stall doors & replace them with curtain which drape around your knees which stick out further than 2 inches from the lip? Stay safe!

  3. I almost think you’re whining. Holy Afghanistan Rants, did you join up because you expected common sense along with the fabulous rations & soft feather beds?

    Now I only sound harsh because I worked in a few hospitals for 30 years as a respiratory therapist. We’re the ones who run those life support systems & have so much equipment that even in these days of million dollar hospital square footage, respiratory therapy still has assigned suites. There has to be room for the equipment in various stages of awaiting sterilization, awaiting calibration, assembly, and then, in a separate area, the stuff ready to roll. So.
    Every few years some genius would decide to move the entire department. With all the equipment. Which I have only mentioned 1/20 of the most obvious. Some yahoo would have found THE most obscure corner of the hospital for us, generally in the basement.

    This is not reasonable for this reason: whenever a Code is called, a Respiratory Therapist must drop whatever it is they’re doing and run like the wind to that Code. Which is NEVER in the basement. Ever. No, the cafeteria is down there, the pharmacy, the laundry, but tell you what; there are no patients to be found. Those people are upstairs. Along with the ER, & the Codes.

    My kid used to wonder why I was so skinny. I explained it was from running up so many flights of stairs all day at work. And night when I rotated shifts.

    So Rant, who do you think moved all that equipment every few years when those morons decided we had prime real estate on the ground floor? Not Mayflower Movers, that’s for sure. We had to do it between running upstairs, sterilizing equipment, etc. Because the accepted wisdom was if we ever wanted to find everything again we had to move it ourselves. All twelve of us…

    So good luck & don’t bitch in my face about moving your office. Been there. Done that. A whole bunch.

    • Sounds like a military hospital. And no, I never expected common sense but I did expect to not be poked in the pooper for no reason whatsoever over someone else’s deals…

  4. My general response to this kind of crap is “hey, it’s you’re dime”. Just went through an office move this weekend. And while my important stuff not getting done is waaaaay less important than yours, same response should apply:
    But sir, the move was sooo much more important.

  5. I forget who said it, but I remember the old saying “As long as a US soldier is bitching, everything’s fine. It’s when they STOP that you have to worry.”
    In other words, SNAFU, eh? Besides, you’re a tanker, you should be used to being screwed while on the move…. 😉

  6. Thank you so much for today’s first spontaneous outburst of laughter. If it’s any comfort, the same thing happens in the private sector. Nice to know we are surrounded by idiots and they all seem to be in charge.

  7. Hope someone is sending some fuzzy socks, warm gloves.
    And hospital person above, that was part of the job – we all have to deal for the pay check – but if people are shooting at you in a war zone, you get to rant. (and so don’t whine about the local thugs with guns – we ALL have to deal with them these days)

  8. But humid cock is so damn tasty..

  9. How it is that you always manage to include the porcelain throne in your posts, even if not quite intentionally. I’m glad the crapper closer but sounds like quite the runaround…
    I moved today at work too but it wasn’t nearly so exciting. My boss likes to keep me on my toes, I guess. Hence the moving every 2 months…

    • Well, some have suggested I’m obsessed with food in all of it’s stages, but I tend to think I’m a puerile infant trapped in a 43 year old body.

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