Rantionary: “B” Is For…

Welcome to the second installment of my series of posts that will highlight some of the wonderfully creative ways to use and abuse the English language. I have to admit that only two of these in and I’m already struggling. However, it’s not for lack of actual words to highlight for your use, but rather to come up with something witty and attention-grabbing to say here up in front. It’s all about the hook.

Witty. Attention-grabbing. There, that’s better. On with the list, featuring the letter B:

Bacon: (n) Food of the Gods.  Meaty manna.  That which is most delicious.  Secret weapon of great armies.  Power of the pig.  Object of gastronomic worship.  Physical embodiment of awesome.  Mouth-party material.  Rants Crack.

Beer: (n) A great reason to wake up in the morning. A good excuse for sleeping on your lawn. Nectar of the Gods. An alcoholic beverage made of grains, hops, yeast and water. A universal solvent for food. A digestive aid. A reliable substitute for water when in places with unsafe water. Liquid Manna.

Beer-Thirty: (n) That time of day at which it is socially acceptable to guzzle beer. Highly dependent upon geographic location, setting, impending holidays, sports events, and your own social standing and morals. Anywhere between 10:30AM to 3:00AM. May be written as Beer:30, and alternately, beer ‘0 clock is also occasionally heard.

Befuckle: (v) To completely and totally fuck something up beyond all recognition, but generally applicable to other humans vice an inanimate object or to a less tangible object such as a situation.

Butthead: (n) An alternate yet more polite and/or politically-correct version of asshat, this is someone who experiences life with their head wedged in their ass. Alternately, someone who displays reasoning and commentary indicative of the condition in which their brains are located in their ass, which is normally sat upon all day.

Bozo: (n) Someone who is a clown. Also, someone displaying clownlike behavior. A polite substitute for assclown.

Botard: (n) A combination retard and bozo, making a clownlike retard. Alternately, someone walking around with an immobile freak-mask of partial facial paralysis due to Botox, resulting in their appearance being mildly retarded looking.

Brain Bleach: (n) What you require when confronted by sickeningly-graphic mental images, normally caused by oversharing, too much information, or ill-advised web surfing or downloading, and must remove the images. Sadly, this substance exists only in concept.

Butt Nugget: (n) A small portion of shit that clings to you relentlessly and is difficult to scrape off. Also, a smaller version of a turd or a shit. A person who pesters you incessantly – is up your ass – for no particular reason other than their own personal sense of well-being. Alternately, a person who could be a shit but is not quite offensive enough.

Butt Hurt: (n) alt.: butthurt. The pain – real or psychic – experienced when a grown-up has his/her feelings hurt while concurrently being overly-sensitive. Having one’s ass out of joint. A pain in the ass. Term to be used in polite company to inform others you have just been sodomized six ways from Sunday without lube.

Again, I cannot claim any kind of copyright on this shit, so use freely though with caution.

** My thanks to Urban Dictionary for definition assists and help with letters you hate getting in Scrabble.

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24 Responses to “Rantionary: “B” Is For…”

  1. Done it again. Got nana here laughing
    my butt off at your crazy sense of humor. In my youth, you could have competed with George Carlin for top honors as most fucked up comedien on the planet. God Bless You, Rants.
    5 Stars on this post.

  2. Befuckle is amazing! Why is beer thirty only acceptable between 10:30 and 3:30 am? Even at 7:30, it’s beer thirty somewhere.

  3. Hey! You work for the acronym-addled Army, where the heck is “BOHICA”? You also managed to miss “buttwad”, a combo of butthead and dickwad. And nothing surrounding “bullshit”? Me thinks you’ve been deprived of proper lubrication. You DO lubricate daily with alcohol, no? 🙂
    Oh, and speaking of alcohol, you do realise that beer is the universal solvent for all things food, right? Cuts through greasy burgers, slakes your bacon thirst, and even gives SOS some flavour! 😀

    • John, how have you missed every statement I’ve made about the no alcohol policy over here?

      • Well, ex-CUUUUUSE ME for trying to educate you on your life once you’re out of the suck! (Geez, ya try ta give a guy a little info, and he bites your head off! Ingrate, I tells ya, ingrate!) 😉
        After all, you ARE going to have a life after you rotate back home. That’s a fact. So you need good information to help you re-adjust! (And besides, if I send you a case of “RC Cola” that happens to explode on contact with an open flame, well, YOU didn’t know about it, right” 😉 ) By the by, the “universal solvent” comes from experience. I used to eat at Billy Goat’s Tavern (the one that spawned the Belushi “cheezborger, no Coke, Pepsi” routine on SNL. You didn’t get EITHER soda – you got beer. Otherwise the grease from the burgers tended to block your throat, inhibiting little functions like talking, eating, and breathing….

    • Aww, John – to even *begin* to discuss “bullshit” would require a whole-‘nother post of it’s own!
      And, I gotta admit to my innocence of the meaning of BOHICA ~ I have heard it used, but not with enough context around it to decipher the acronymity of it… Please share ;(

  4. Can botard be used for both meanings of the word, or would I need to say botard botard for a moron who had botox?

  5. whiteladyinthehood Says:

    I’m still laughing……these were the best, Rants! I love the idea of your Rantionary.

  6. Did I miss something somewhere? Or have Deja Vu? Some of these sound very familiar, like you recently posted some of these. I know some were missing because I remember missing bacon, but I remember commenting on botard. Anyway, as always, great list as usual.

  7. Since the line-jumpers already got all the good comments, I have an off subject question. (Quell surprise.) In my pursuit of sharp, pointy toys, I see many knife factories claiming that THEIR tactical knife is the greatest, and what the boys in Assholestan carry. Does this only pertain to Gropos, or does a power-point wielding tank pilot possess one also? If so, whose make and model?

    • I’m not much of a knife guy. I have two Buck knives: one with wood/brass handle and my daily with green plastic. For mortal combat, you do not want a folding or spring-loaded model, and one burly enough to not snap if lodged in an eye socket or betwixt two ribs – think deer-gutting. Don’t get a steel too hard or too soft. I keep all my bladed tools and chisels surgery-sharp.

  8. Glad that bacon and beer made the top of the list – as expected. And I have a few choice people to now describe as butt nuggets, thanks! Learning something new and helpful every day.

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