Rantionary: “B” Is For…
Welcome to the second installment of my series of posts that will highlight some of the wonderfully creative ways to use and abuse the English language. I have to admit that only two of these in and I’m already struggling. However, it’s not for lack of actual words to highlight for your use, but rather to come up with something witty and attention-grabbing to say here up in front. It’s all about the hook.
Witty. Attention-grabbing. There, that’s better. On with the list, featuring the letter B:
Bacon: (n) Food of the Gods. Meaty manna. That which is most delicious. Secret weapon of great armies. Power of the pig. Object of gastronomic worship. Physical embodiment of awesome. Mouth-party material. Rants Crack.
Beer: (n) A great reason to wake up in the morning. A good excuse for sleeping on your lawn. Nectar of the Gods. An alcoholic beverage made of grains, hops, yeast and water. A universal solvent for food. A digestive aid. A reliable substitute for water when in places with unsafe water. Liquid Manna.
Beer-Thirty: (n) That time of day at which it is socially acceptable to guzzle beer. Highly dependent upon geographic location, setting, impending holidays, sports events, and your own social standing and morals. Anywhere between 10:30AM to 3:00AM. May be written as Beer:30, and alternately, beer ‘0 clock is also occasionally heard.
Befuckle: (v) To completely and totally fuck something up beyond all recognition, but generally applicable to other humans vice an inanimate object or to a less tangible object such as a situation.
Butthead: (n) An alternate yet more polite and/or politically-correct version of asshat, this is someone who experiences life with their head wedged in their ass. Alternately, someone who displays reasoning and commentary indicative of the condition in which their brains are located in their ass, which is normally sat upon all day.
Bozo: (n) Someone who is a clown. Also, someone displaying clownlike behavior. A polite substitute for assclown.
Botard: (n) A combination retard and bozo, making a clownlike retard. Alternately, someone walking around with an immobile freak-mask of partial facial paralysis due to Botox, resulting in their appearance being mildly retarded looking.
Brain Bleach: (n) What you require when confronted by sickeningly-graphic mental images, normally caused by oversharing, too much information, or ill-advised web surfing or downloading, and must remove the images. Sadly, this substance exists only in concept.
Butt Nugget: (n) A small portion of shit that clings to you relentlessly and is difficult to scrape off. Also, a smaller version of a turd or a shit. A person who pesters you incessantly – is up your ass – for no particular reason other than their own personal sense of well-being. Alternately, a person who could be a shit but is not quite offensive enough.
Butt Hurt: (n) alt.: butthurt. The pain – real or psychic – experienced when a grown-up has his/her feelings hurt while concurrently being overly-sensitive. Having one’s ass out of joint. A pain in the ass. Term to be used in polite company to inform others you have just been sodomized six ways from Sunday without lube.
Again, I cannot claim any kind of copyright on this shit, so use freely though with caution.
** My thanks to Urban Dictionary for definition assists and help with letters you hate getting in Scrabble.