Embracing The Suck – Part Two
Welcome back to The Suck, also known affectionately as Afghanistan. On the upside, by the time this post is up, I will be past my halfway mark. On the downside, I will have almost six more soul-eating months to go. This is my ongoing collection of Rantaliciousness on the topic of what I am forced to deal with every day here. It’s a lot like starting your morning with an epic kick in the jimmy.
Velcro – A few years back some fuck-knuckle decided that Velcro would be a fabulous idea for some of the Army uniform parts. So now our pockets and sleeves Velcro closed. This is just what you want when sneaking up on a Taliban dude and you have to get some deadly item out of your shoulder pocket to kill his terrorist ass with, and … rrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiipp. Even better, it brings an element of wardrobe malfunction to the battlefield. Someone please tell me how to make tired Velcro like new again.
Roaming Stench Cloud – At any given moment whether indoors or out, you can be overcome by the deadly Roaming Cloud of Stench. These come in several flavors: Shit-Sucker Truck (with a hint of Blue Water), Sewer Gas, Burning Feces, Rotting Feces, Stagnated Feces and (fill in your office mate’s name) Anal Cavity. It’s bad enough that Kabul’s air has a proven 0.3% suspended particulate poo content (SPPC), but it’s worse when you’re reminded of it so forcefully. And make no mistake – we’re not talking about the smell of shit. No, friends, we’re dealing with microscopic bits of the actual material here.
Alcohol. Not to be found here. At all. This is part of the not-new but improved military. You or your daddy might have enjoyed his two warm Budweisers every night in Vietnam. Over here, now, we have a choice of water, diet soda, or for the daring – full-sugar soda or a Red Bull knock-off. Every now and then they tote in alcohol-free beer. I’d add some masturbation analogy to the NA-Beer thought, but I need to be drunk to do that. Sadly, a lot of the problems I bitch about here would be solved if some of the window lickers around me could drink the stupid out of their neurons.
Is there a Bright Side? Yes, in fact there is. I will mitigate my own hateorade here and tell you that when people go home, we have a little party with the entire command and pin medals on them and brag about what they didn’t do. A few nights ago, one of my Majors, soon to leave for home, RickRolled the entire unit. I’m so proud.
I’m off to grumble at people and be pissed off all day.