Assed Up In Grabassistan

I know many of you in the blogodrome are pissy because I am not regularly venting my spew here, and forget about the daily  basis I somehow established and kept for months.  I feel your pain, really.  I’m about to unleash some of the assitude I have here with me in Afghanistan.

Many of you predicted I’d eventually find my inner Angry White Man, and you were correct.  There are whole new ways to piss off Rants over here:

Not Alone.  I’m sure you are not surprised to know I’m a fairly private person.  The total lack of pictures and details of my life here (other than those that have been interjected on a surprise basis) is therefore intentional.  Over here, however, the situation is impossible.  I wake up in a shipping container with another guy, go to eat with up to 200 of my closest buddies, and then work all day and into the night with twenty other angry people.  Some of them armed.  At night, it’s back to my sullen roomie.  It is physically impossible to remain more than fifty feet away from someone here for longer than three minutes.  Even taking a dump, I’m assaulted by the dripping, splattering sound of some fucktard in the next stall enjoying his first tour here and Osama’s Revenge.  Amusing as it is hearing a grown man whimper like a girl, I’d love to take a solitary shit.

Staff Idiots.  Cooperation between organizations in the military is essential.  Unless you’re the dillhole, asshat oxygen thief who believes that saying “no” is instrumental in arriving at agreeable answers.  Or the general who prefers numbered memos write out the numbers (“One” versus “1”).  Or the higher staff officer who you send a formal query to only to have them sit on it for a week and then send you an email asking you the very question you asked to begin with.  Really?  I can tell you that I’ve seen the enemy, and that motherfucker is wearing the same uniform we are.

Food, or what passes for it.  The other morning I noticed that after my breakfast of oatmeal, I had a raging case of indigestion.  So bad in fact, I had to eat some antacids.  Oatmeal.  We actually have what is called Steak Night here.  I know complaining about this makes me look like an utter panzie, but fuck me if I really believe that is beef they’re slinging.  My options for having the meat cooked are “leather” and “carbon,” so I avoid the whole mess.  In four months, I believe I have consumed my own weight in tuna.  When I’m forced to sink to the jell-o level, I will consider suck-starting my sidearm.

Yeah, I’m on a roll.  Funny thing here is that people approach me in real life much the same way as you all do here in blogworld: armed and cautious.  I like to think I’m making good things happen, though, so you can rest assured some part of your taxpayer dollars are being used effectively.

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42 Responses to “Assed Up In Grabassistan”

  1. geesh… so many rants hahahaha 😀

  2. Just curious: does your assignment require you to regularly pal around with Afghani’s? And if so, what is your take on the recent suicide shootings? In other words, given the difference in cultures is it possible to really ever trust them?

    • My opinion only: as IED and combat-related deaths decrease and the green-on-blue shooting remain the same, they gain a higher percentage of total casualties, and therefor appear to be in the process of becoming a ‘crisis.’ This is the cost of doing business. This is war.

      Kind of heartless, but there are bigger problems to worry about.

      • “Bigger problems to worry about”? OK, if you say so, you’re the ground-pounder and I’m just a squid. But if it were me I’d see it differently. Seems to me there’s a huge difference between prevailing in a fire fight and being ambushed with zero chance of fighting back. Yuk.

  3. Hey, I miss your comments, but I know you have a rancid job to do, so whenever you drop a post, it’s a mini-Christmas. And believe me, I would MUCH rather have you rant here, no matter how infrequently, than read about a mass fragging and worry you were either a victim, or more likely, the perp. 😉
    Some people say hydrogen and stupidity are found throughout the universe. I’d add bureaucracy. The church my wife works for can’t replace their incandescent bulbs with CFLs, without 2 board meetings, a letter of request sent through 5 (yes, FIVE) levels of management, and at least 6 months of BS. At least the church folk don’t carry around loaded M-16s! (Or is it M-4s? M-9s? What the heck DO you guys carry, other than too much frustration and too little appreciation from the home front?)
    Get me an address, and I’ll try to find some high-endurance food you can actually tolerate. I’d offer Hot Pockets, but I figure they’d defrost somewhere around Ramstein. 😀

  4. Megan Stephenson Says:

    Keep safe dude!

  5. Good to hear from you Rants! I feel bad for you if you have to eat that much tuna! And sharing a room with a moody roommate? Good luck with that! I appreciate you!

  6. whiteladyinthehood Says:

    Since you used the word Grabassistan in the title of your post (which is very funny by the way) I’ll share a story with you. I was at work on Friday and got pinched on the ass by a 5 year old. One hand on the left cheek, one on the right – gotta full-on butt massage! I said, “Looky here mister – you cannot pinch me!” He shot back with, “I’m not pinching you – I’m crab clawing you and I CAN crab claw you ’cause my Daddy does it to my Mama in the kitchen all the time…” so, pain in the asses come in all sizes.

  7. I bet it’s even harder when your staff idiots have high clearance and can use phrases like “this came from above” and you know it could only come from one other person.

    If I wasn’t alone for a year, I’d go postal. And if you pair that with bad food…well, then I would go bitchy postal. You don’t want to see that!

    Take care and try to only blow up those who you are supposed to.

  8. Braaaaaiiiin! 😀 Glad to see your mental stability hasn’t moved off that knife edge :p …..’Bitches gonna die indeed’ :p .

  9. You’ve a bucket load and then some of males around you and you are saying not one of the kitchen grunts can grill a proper piece of meat?? Shame on them, a sinful waste… unless they are making jerky of some sort, meats should ALWAYS have some juice left in them.

    Sorry you have to deal with 24/7 invasion of personal space, just remember a healthy daydream of making them all suffer for torturing you can help keep you from actually running amok the brainless and getting yourself in serious trouble – lol

  10. MY MORNDAY ,,HI TOO MY FRIENDS BE BLESSET IN THE LORD,,,,SIS DOT…………………………………….“What a glorious Lord! He who daily bears our burdens also gives us our salvation” Psalm 68:19

    Did it ever occur to you that you are disobeying God when you carry your own burdens, when you are worried, frustrated and confused over circumstances? That is exactly what God’s Word says.

    In 1 Peter 5:7, God gives a specific command to His children, “Cast…all your cares upon Him; for He careth for you“. Not to cast all of one’s cares upon the Lord is to disobey Him and to deny oneself that supernatural walk with God among men.

    Is it not logical to believe that He who loved us so much that He was willing to give His only begotten Son would also be faithful to keep His promise to bear our burdens daily?

    As the psalmist so aptly states, the Lord bears our burdens on a daily basis for the believer, the day will never come when God fails to carry our load, to strengthen us, to impart power to us through His indwelling Holy Spirit – if we but ask.

    Marvel of marvels, the psalmist points out, our heavenly Father not only is our great burden-bearer; He is also the very one who gives us our salvation and the assurance of eternal life. How could anyone ask for more!

    With the sure knowledge that our sins are forgiven (salvation) and the assurance that He knows all about every burden we face – more important, He bears them for us – our lives should reflect honor and glory to Him by the way in which we share His blessings and the message of His great love with others.

    Provision for the supernatural life is promised in the Old Testament as well as the New, as evidenced by this glorious promise in the Psalms

  11. Let it out. . . let it all out. Blogs are where rants belong!

  12. “In four months, I believe I have consumed my own weight in tuna. ”

    Classic. I may have to borrow this line. I might have to change “tuna” to something else though.

  13. Rants! So good to hear from you, even if it does sound like not a lot of Candyland and unicorns on your side of the world. We’ve missed the ranty awesomeness!

  14. Dude! Good news! BAE is gonna upgrade a bunch of Bradleys, get them up to M2A3/M3A3 standard! Nice, shiny new electronics, just for you.
    You’re welcome! 😉

  15. Always glad to see the rant pages.
    Breakfast Grotemeal sounds like you should be feeding it to the other side.
    Makes me pretty angry they can’t even feed you guys decent.
    Take care with the chutes minus the ladders….and trust no one, probably.
    Not much help, but we know you guys are there and appreciate it.

  16. When I think about war, the worst part seems to be not so much the killing and fear of being killed, but the daily, grinding suckiness that you describe. Plus the heat. That would drive me around the bend.

    So glad I’m not there.
    So thankful that you and co. are.
    Stay safe.

  17. Hey, Rants keep your head up, and keep thinking about those awesome ribs you can cook when you get back. Take care…you rock.

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