Pissing About Pissing

You did just read that correctly. This is a rant about those jackwagons who fail to adhere to the proper rules of engagement when peeing. Also, a disclaimer: this is aimed at men only, ladies. Please don’t be offended.

I realize there’s a lot of funny sites that go as far as graphically demonstrating some of the rules and such. The thing is, no matter how funny they are, they’re still valid fucking rules. On that note, I’ll begin:

Buffer Urinal. This unofficial but critical rule states that you never walk into a restroom and use a urinal immediately next to another guy if there is another open one farther away. In other words, how fucking creepy is it to be in a 25-urinal bathroom pissing in the far-left pisser when some dingleberry walks in and starts to work in the one right next to you? Two words: Sick. Fuck.

Aim. Please, for the love of fluffy kittens, aim.ย Do you believe that your momย would, for one second, tolerate you pissing on the floor, you sick, lazy fucktard? You’re the reason the men’s room reeks perpetually and the floor is sticky. It’s also pretty disrespectful to the poor dude/ette whose job it is to clean up after your drippy thimble. Just because they get paid to do that job doesn’t mean they deserve to chip your dried piss off of tile.

Stage Fright. These dudes crack me up. They scoot into the bathroom all sweaty with bladder urgency, unzip, and then… nothing. Not a drop until they sense they’re ‘alone.’ Really? So you’re going to stand there taking up a needed pissior anyway? Do us all a favor: skip to the stall, drop them, sit down and piss like the little bitch you are.

Line of Sight. The proper place for the point of your gaze is on the ugly taupe (always taupe, dammit!)ย tile in front of your relieved mug. Or the urinal mechanism, or the splashy going on around the urinal mint. Hell, you’re even allowed to look at your own junk if it makes you happy and it’s visible to the naked eye. Under no circumstances, though, should you look left or right. Those who break this rule are already breaking the next one, and that’s a semi-extenuating circumstance. However, thou shalt never look down as well.

Words. Bathrooms are for two primary activities only, specifically #1 and #2. It’s not the spot to conversate. I don’t want to talk to you while you have your noodle clamped tenuously between two fingers. If you do, you’re probably looking at me as well as taking the pisser right next to me. Those are all signs you’re about to get beat down – as soon as I’m done.

Wash & Rinse. Dude, you probably don’t know where your cock was last, so wash your hands you nasty troll. I don’t care if you reinfect yourself with whatever you have, but don’t subject me to your funk smeared all over the exit door.

You would think that at random times during the day I could count on three to five minutes of unsullied tranquility as I pay the rent on the coffee. Violators of these unwritten but immutable rules destroy those short moments. Thanks a lot, needledick.

Advertisements

65 Responses to “Pissing About Pissing”

  1. Haha, nice. Very informative. If I ever wanted to blend in at a guy’s bathroom, I’d follow these rules, thanks. Girls could use a few themselves. Especially the aiming one, which I have yet to understand. I mean, are they just hovering and moving their asses in an oval shape to create a perfect rim of pee on the seat? Maybe they’re just doing it to see if they can, it does get pretty boring in there…. hm… experiment time!

  2. How about the subset of the chatty Cathy, the guy who, when there are several guys all peeing at once, stares straight ahead and starts in with the “So how about … ” opener. Who the heck are you talking to? And for the love of all that’s splash-free, WHY?
    And please, when you’re done, don’t do the Macarena of the hoochie-coochie, just tuck it back in and go. If you came to dance, keep it on the dance floor, fer God’s sake!

  3. I am going to print a few of these and post them on the bathroom wall in my sons bathroom! How ya doing in east Jesus?

  4. Nice rant, Rants… and I am with Nikki. Women can be just as piggish and annoying as men in the bathroom! Good to see you, man…

  5. Nice to hear from you again.

  6. Dude, I could go on for days about the shit women do in the restroom at work. I agree that some of them are as nasty as the men.

    Good to see you post … ’twas starting to wonder if all was OK. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  7. Well, glad to read that you can rant on just about anything…so, really nothing’s changed. Excellent. Be well…

  8. An almost perfectly detailed list of mens room dos and donts. You lose points for nothing on “farting at the urinal” etiquette.
    I’m in the “If you gotta, you gotta” school of thought.

  9. Anonymous Says:

    Fuck.

    If that isn’t the best post I’ve read in a long fucking time…..
    *mad applause*

    Good to have you back man ๐Ÿ™‚ .

    ‘Needledick’ is a new one, thanks .

  10. Oh so funny! And yes, women are just as gross–if not grosser (is that a word?) than men. I always have to explain to my husband and son that it takes me so long in the restroom because a. I have to flush and/or clean someone else’s mess, b. use one of those useless seat covers that then stick to the urine (see Nikki’s “aiming” rant) on the seat and adhere to my legs, c. scrape the remaining sheet of paper from the only roll in the bathroom, etc. etc! Glad all is well in Rantyland! -L

  11. whiteladyinthehood Says:

    You know you should not wait so long to do a post…(some folks may worry about you, dammit)
    There are 2 kinds of women’s bathrooms.
    a – Oh, Dear God, how fast can I do this and get outta here
    or
    b – You’re in the stall and the chick next to you starts talking really loud and you don’t know if she’s talking to you at first and then you realize she’s on the phone (I always hope she drops her phone in the toilet) – then outta nowhere a hand creeps under your stall begging for tp….then you come out and try to wash your hands and there’s a chick changing her clothes, one putting on make-up, one brushing her teeth or washing dishes, one doing a bra check (and yes, we all have to confirm we can’t see her straps from any angle), and we have a thing that comes outta the wall – you can slap a baby on it and change a diaper. It’s a P.A.R.T.Y

    I did you a little mini post comment ๐Ÿ™‚

    • No need to worry. This has been a learning experience. I’d always imagined the women’s bathrooms to be a highly sterile, fresh-scented affair with puppies and bunnies and flowers with glitter. And some women are still hung on the bra strap thing?

      • whiteladyinthehood Says:

        The bra strap one is probably more of an office/work place bathroom type deal. And in the office bathroom, there is usually a chick hid in the last stall crying…(it’s the only place you can go and cry and not be labeled a crybaby)

  12. This should be printed and displayed in all bathrooms. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  13. I also hate those guys that go hands-free. That bugs me, especially since they tend to be those that don’t wash afterwards.

  14. One of my lady friends was absolutely impressed with the men’s room. She comes out (after being pushed in by some prankster in college) and says “The men’s ro om is so tidy compared to the ladies room…They even have those little sinks along the wall with cakes of soap in them!)…ya, she was a blonde. Nice post, ’bout time someone printed the “RULES” of the bathroom. I hate the guys who finish their business and then come back to the same stall they just left, which is way too close to you, and break into another conversation…stare straight ahead and shut up!

  15. 1jaded1 Says:

    Still reading through your rants. I’m so glad I found your blog! Females are the worst. Last week, on my way home, I did the midtrip gas and pee thang. I was waiting in line to use the women’s room while 3 guys went in and out of the men’s room. The 3rd guy said “we wont judge, the floor is a little sticky though”. I decided to opt out and wait. Without going into the sordid details, I would have preferred a little sticky…

  16. […] Ranted about urinal etiquette before, so you have to have expected the sequel on #2. Part Two for Number Two, if you will. Yes, […]

Join the Ranting!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: