A Type-5A Guy In A Type-B Situation

One unifying theme to most Army officers is that we’re all Type-A’s. Some of us worse than others, granted, but of course you have to read the one blog of the one guy who is just a bit past the “normal” reading on the trusty “WTF-o-Scope.” Anyway, I’ve mentioned that I’m on leave, which basically means I have time off until the end of next week when I head to start the process of getting to Afghanistan.

This puts me in a situation where a Type-5A guy is faced with the situation of having really not a lot to do. No constant pressures, no deadlines, no boss-questions… no boss. All I have to do is successfully pack between now and then, and trust me I’ve over-engineered the entire process up to this point. Why? Because filling a duffle bag ought not take a week, right?

Today I had to go procure some more boxers, Army-dude tee shirts, Army-dude green socks, and get my watch battery replaced. This expedition took me to WalMart, the epicenter of Type-B People everywhere. Well, except for me while I was in the store. Pulling up with windows rolled down, the Kart Korraler guy was singing a song about San Diego. I wasn’t aware that like Chicago and New York, SD had it’s own song now.

I learned that my watch requires a special and adjustable wrench – which I have to admit is the epitome of a slap-me-it’s-fucking-awesome tool – to remove my watch back and put in a new battery. We’re in “cross the fingers” mode for the next year I see. At least WalMart had the brand of boxers I like. Freeeeedooooom!

Somehow mentally skewed from the WalMartian experience, I had an epiphany on the drive back on post to get my Army shit and more beer to swill. The epiphany is this: I see there is a sensitivity cut-off on commercials these days. It’s okay to talk about vaginal itching and toe fungus, but nowhere do I see anything about products that help with random anal leakage. Overall, I rate random anal leakage as a larger threat to civilization than vaginal itching, or odor for that matter. Karma now will ensure I deal with anal leakage merely for having the stones to type these words. Thankfully, I have no vagina.

The Type downgrade didn’t stop there. Being on leave, I have the unauthorized opportunity to try my hand at growing facial hair (not shaving). I think now I’ll trim up into an epic, bad-ass goatee and run a test to see that if with my clean-shaven head and wicked Satan goatee I’m still mistaken for Dave Draiman. If you don’t know who he is, you need heart paddles.

Also on the drive home, I noted that my ancient-ass (16 year-old) Blazer’s turn signal has lost the tic-a, tic-a sound. Lights work, but no tic-a. Is this remotely illegal? I never liked it before, so is action required? Not that it matters since the radio died three years ago and I’ve driven in epic silence since. Fuck me.

All the above is a warning of what a visit to WalMart will do to a responsible human. If you don’t believe me, then prepare to lose some time and watch what I found reading the news once I got home and properly beer-ed the fuck up: how to destroy Peeps. Two words: Fucking. Awesome. I hate Peeps from the depths of my black soul.

Last: I got a member card from Enterprise (the car rental dudes) today. Guess I’m supposed to take that to Afghanistan in case I need to rent a car. So I wonder if they come with ‘Explosive’ and ‘Non-Explosive’ options just like GPS.

Rock On!

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53 Responses to “A Type-5A Guy In A Type-B Situation”

  1. I can relate to the Type B people in WalMart, as a Type A myself…how do people WALK THAT SLOWLY through the aisles?! Aaagh! Nice epiphanies…

  2. Awesome post as always! You’ll still be posting while you’re deployed, right? I mean . . it is all about US, the readers and everything. Yes?

    What am I saying? Of course it is. pfft

    • On a serious note, yeah, I’m going to try to, but I know going in I’ll be waaaaay off the daily post schedule. Apologies.

      • On a seriouser note, please be as careful as possible over there, and thank you so very much for your service to this wonderful country of ours. (flawed and wacky as it may be)

        I’m sure I’m not the only one that will miss your posts and worry about you a little while you’re “gone”.

  3. wal-mart is so scary! You need to take your watch to a jewelery repair store. They can get you a new battery.

  4. I’ve never met anyone who walks faster than me. Friends will say things like “Are we late for something?” And I believe that other walkers have the right to go slow, and they have the right weave while they walk. BUT NOT BOTH.

  5. […] of you probably read out good buddy Brain Rants.  If not, you can find him here.  He seems a tad crazy and perhaps the most stable unstable man out there.  He is making me a […]

  6. WalMart makes my IQ drop by 20 points just walking through its doors. I’m sure you feel the same way. As for alphas/Type A’s, I had no doubt you were one. Try being the *only* alpha at work…it’s downright depressing, bru.

  7. A visit to Walmart can destroy the most wonderful of souls… My condelensces for having to make that trip!
    Just to clarify, you resemble Dave Draiman WITHOUT the piercings I assume?
    Sounds like a rough day for a type A. Have a beer for me!

  8. We will have you in our thoughts and prayers while you are deployed buddy. Keep your head down when outside your vehicle and sit on your helmet when you are in the vehicle…. Looking forward to your updates, though I understand you might have limited access while you are over there. Take care of yourself and thank you for your service!

  9. whiteladyinthehood Says:

    A Satan-goatee..hhmmm…lmao about the peeps.

  10. I lived with a cop for a while in my younger years, so I understand your personality type & I’m just sooooooo laid back. Don’t wanna talk about you leaving just yet, it’ll make me sad (sob), so we’ll talk about that later. Loved most of the peeps destroying stuff although it started to get boring after awhile.

  11. Can you believe I have never set foot in a Walmart? And after all I’ve heard and seen on the web I doubt I ever will! So you think you look like Dave Draiman eh? You gonna post a pic so we can judge for ourselves? 😉 (btw, Disturbed is one of my favorite bands)

  12. John Erickson Says:

    Pass the paddlers – who the heck is Dave Draino-man?
    An “ancient” 16-year old Blazer? Dude, that’s a NEW car to me. Try getting stuff for a 25-year-old Cavalier – now THAT’s an adventure! 😀
    Park yours with the engine running and in park, turn on the indicator, and do a walk-around. If the lights blink, you’re good. If not, replace as needed – most GMs won’t go “tick” if one of the two indicator lights on a side is burned out. Especially check the back – some of GM’s beasts carry a two-element bulb. One glass sphere, two wires inside, one for the brake light, one for the indicator. If one element goes, ya gotta replace the whole dang bulb. PITA!

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