My Sleep Issues – The Final Chapter

I have to admit that I really must have milked my snoring problem for about all that it’s worth… almost. I think I get – and you deserve (awesome gold-star winners that you are, my Rants Army!) – to know the dénouement (frilly word with faggy little thingy above the ‘e’ for you… it means “end”) to my Saga of Snoring.

Background: Should you have lots of time, click these in order from left to right and read: Here, here, here, and here. I arranged those all chronologically and shit. Just for you, snowflake.

So knowing all that, this week I finally got my CPAP (Continuous Positive Air Pressure) machine. Only took five months… fuck. Anyway, I have to rant a little because I told the fucktards going in that I was leavin’ on an jetplane – like the song – really diddlydamn soon. Unfazed, they scheduled me for stately, relaxed-schedule appointments months apart. I can only imagine we face societal downfall similar to a zombie apocalypse from snoring alone if that many assholes snore to the point of needing intervention. The Apnea Apocalypse, if you will.

Now, having my little gray machine-box, I have to admit I’m looking forward to “recovering” from apparently five or more years of damage I’ve got nobody to blame for except my own stupid fucktard self. I slept all strapped-up last night, thingys jammed into my nostrils. I fell asleep watching a pirated episode of Star Trek (oh shut the fuck up! You know damn well I’m a nerd! Assmunch…) somewhere around 11PM, and ultimately slept in until around 7AM. Epic… fucking… sleep. With dreams. For Rants, eight hours is like… three days worth of sleep. No shit.

Anyway, here I am. This morning, I assessed myself as feeling… Ranty. Then I kept thinking, and decided that yes, for certain, I had to take a dump. So I did, and then I realized I did not feel like I’d been hit by a bus yesterday, or somehow used as an unconscious stunt double in a porn shoot… hey, you never know. I’ll also deny whatever you find, by the way. Not bad, I think. Not bad at all. The CPAP, not the other thing.

Needless to say, in order to speed up finally getting this, I took a day of my leave and drove my own ass an hour into the bowels of Kansas to pick this up. I got to have this overly-perky little lady give me a class on how to turn it on (really?), and attach the power feed (again, really?), and the kicker – I have to send back an SD chip to prove I’m using the fucking thing – from Afghanistan. I signed some forms, and then I got to ask questions. Here’s where her day got fucked up:

  • Me: “I’m concerned about proving usage. Does this machine know if it’s actually being used?”
  • Li’l Bitty Lady: “Yes, it’s tricky that way. It knows.”
  • Me: “Are you people from Satan? It’s a gray box. How does it… know?”
  • Li’l Bitty: “What!?!”
  • Me: “Skip it… So, the water keeps the inside of my head from caving in.”
  • Li’l Bitty: “Uhm… sure… but mainly just moist and uncongested.”
  • Me: “Awesome. This doesn’t absolutely have to take distilled water, or vegan water, or some silly shit like that, right?”
  • LB: “Oh no, regular water will work. Just clean it out often.”
  • Me: “Okay. What about vodka?”
  • LB: “For cleaning? I suppose it would work.”
  • Me: “No, for what goes where the water does. Would that work? I mean, to get my party on in my sleep?”
  • LB: “Nobody’s ever asked that… I… ah… I don’t know.”
  • Me:Dammit!”
  • LB: “You scare me…”
  • Me: “SCORE!!!”

Lots and lots of potential here, people.


Several folks have mentioned they snore also, and truth be told I wrote this over a week ago, so I couldn’t include any immediate benefits. In case you have doubts, these are the things I’ve already noticed in just the first week:

  • I wake up with energy – no draggy feeling, half-asleep feeling
  • More energy all day
  • My sinuses are much clearer
  • Fewer stops to rest while doing vigorous work
  • Clearer thoughts, and lasting farther into the day
  • No funny cramps in my feet and legs

There’s probably more, but if you have a bad snoring problem you might want to endure the process and get one of these devices. The only downside so far is that the nose thingy has made my nostrils kinda red, so I look like I’ve been doing coke pretty hard. Sad thing is, that’s not the disturbing part, which is that everyone I meet sees it and figures they now know the reason I act this way…

42 Responses to “My Sleep Issues – The Final Chapter”

  1. Enjoy your sleep now…I’m assuming it will be fleeting over the next year.

  2. Shame on you for scaring the little bitty lady! I hate to admit it but I think I’m just a doctor’s scrip away from a CPAP machine myself. My husband claims I sound like a plane taking off when I snore. I don’t know – I’m sleeping, unless of course I wake myself up (which happens now & again). Anyway, enjoy your sleep.

  3. Ah, the CPAP machine.. my boyfriend has one and I love it! He gets quality sleep and I don’t get woken up by hellacious snoring only ended by a swift kick in the calf.

    I am glad you felt oodles better after using it.. that’s all that matters.. never forget, Rants.. it is all about you.

  4. So…what’d you dream about?

  5. I recommend Three Olives Birthday Cake Vodka and Pineapple Juice for your machine.

  6. Rants, this was awesome!

    I’m pretty sure the Apnea Apocalypse is the precursor to the Zombie Apocalypse – all that snoring just keeps the whole population awake for days upon days and begats the most grumpy of creatures.

    So so glad you were able to sleep! And let us know how that vodka bit turns out?

  7. whiteladyinthehood Says:

    Sleep is good! Get some more of it! (and the conversation with you and LB – that was hilarious…)

  8. Cpap’s rock… have had mine for years and I can tell the difference if I happen to grab a nap without it.

    Good Score on bending poor LB’s brain! LOL

  9. Oh god this was funny. Not the situation, but your wicked description.
    Have the snore problem too; despite tonsil and adenoid removal 35 years ago.
    I have to look into this CRAP.

    Hope the machine continues to keep you feeling better…. and let me know how the vodka thing works out. Hell, it is distilled after all.
    Sweet Dreams Rant!

    • Yep, if you snore, you need one. I resisted this but after only a week I’m a total convert.

      • Did a Google. Going to make an appointment with the Internist. There’s a good chance -based on the info I’ve found- that Medicare will defray much of the cost. As long as it is considered a procedure and not a medication.
        Thank you Rants!! You rock babe. Have not had a full, real REM night’s sleep since…uh…. probably never.

  10. If the nostril thingies irritate, (when you can) check into nose/mouth full mask. Be safe, be back, be missed.

    • Archon, no, my initial go-round used the nose-mouth thing, and that was like sleeping in an Army gas mask. Try it. You’ll hate it. I’m quite happy to look like a cokehead with irritated nose-holes. Goes well with the ranty thing.

  11. John Erickson Says:

    Pirated Trek? REALLY? What the heck was it? I’ve got DirecTV, and can find you all 5 of the series on at one time or another. I think you’re getting lazy in your old age! 😉
    Just watch those comments about “gold stars”, okay? Some of us get a little twitchy about ’em, and would far prefer the blue variety….

  12. Oh the point was that cooked bacon will last a month in the fridge. Make four pounds prior to Burning Man -almost all the way cooked. Another 2 minutes in the nuker or skillet will finish it then it’s hot and fine.
    Can do Rant. Anything for my personal favorite trooper.

  13. My mom uses one of these. Says it makes the rest of her life much easier. Something for you to look forward to when you get back -an easier life!

  14. hinduish Says:

    when you sleep tonight, there will be a little girl waiting to molest you.

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