Sick Search Terms #4

Today I’m rolling out the fourth installment of search terms that lead to my site. I continue to find some of these quite disturbing. Admittedly, though, I’m sure the sick fucks who type this into their search engines find me equally disturbing. Touche!

On we go. Let’s get down with the sickness, as the awesome song says:

Poop factory: I can only believe that someone was looking for my early posts about my cats, since that’s exactly what they are: little hairy shit factories.

Sriracha to shit: What’s with the shit theme? Anyway, yeah, generally sriacha sauce does go from food-format to shit-format – just like everything else you toss down your pie hole, dumbass. Whether or not it helps you take a dump is up to your intestines, not mine, so don’t look here for inspiration.

Why does a guy talk over you: Answer – because you’re a midget. Call me wikifuckingpedia.

Sick crazy fucked up sites search engine: Exactly!

Wie heißt das lied i’m so retarded: You’re not retarded, dude. I do think, however, you may be a bit schizophrenic, and in two languages. Drop the German so we can all understand what you two are saying.

Asshole critic: Sounds like a job for me – Asshole Critic. Imagine some fatcat corporate sponsor (Depends, Ex-Lax) sending me all over the globe to write insightful critique on assholes… “I found this asshole to be not only wrinkly but shit-caked and smelly as well.”

Ass spamming you porn – Good grief. So I have to get spam, and to make it worse, it goes in my ass? This makes me wonder what my ‘inbox’ capacity is. If I set up a spam folder, would that be my gall bladder? So confused.

Obamacare is like wiping your neighbor’s ass – Why, yes, it is. I’d simply never thought of that. Outfuckingstanding! I’d write more but I have a roll and an appointment across the street. Sorry.

Can I bring my vibrator on my deployment? – No, I didn’t search this one, but good question. It of course never occurred to me to wonder about that. I’d love to research that shit but I’m thinking that’s not the kind of question you just ask someone. Especially a TSA Agent.

How to fuck a blanket – Good lord, really? Someone really wanted to know this? Someone actually does this? Note to self: ‘find black light.’ I’d never think of doing this to my Woobie. She’s special.

My son loves to eat slices of bread – WTF? First, do we need to know this? Second, from what I have observed, kids just need a steady stream of delicious carbs to function – cheesy mac, bread, breading delivered on chicken nuggets, crackers, and other stuff. Probably the work of some hyperconcerned vegan. Lighten up and eat some fucking bacon, lady… or dude… whatthefuckever.

Rants used in cooking – Okay, which one of you sick fucks is planning on slaughtering me, rendering me, and fuck-chunks eating me? I have trouble believing that I piss people off that much. Seriously. Now, if we’re talking about by-products used in cooking… okay well that’s just fucking sick too.

Lots of sickness here. Hope you survive this shit.

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18 Responses to “Sick Search Terms #4”

  1. I did survive this! And I am such a better person for it.. I go check search terms on my blog when I leave here. None of mine are as great (sick and twisted) as yours..

    Happy Saturday!

  2. You’d be tasty…kind of like venison or buffalo…a little gamey, but worth the hunt.

  3. Well you do talk about your bowels a lot…

  4. My blanket and I are very happy together. Don’t judge.

  5. whiteladyinthehood Says:

    hahahaha… I dont know whats more funny the searches or your take on them…still laughing…

  6. Great stuff. The one I get everyday, is “freckled breasts.” I mentioned that some biker chick I knew had them, and now, every single day, that search term shows up. It is my most popular one. Google “freckled breasts” and I come up number one. WTF? I don’t understand what is going on, but I’ll take the hit count. Hopefully, now that I wrote this here, you will get it too. Love your writing, bro. Keep it up and out.

    • Personally, I am cool with freckled breasts. But, I do feel your pain in terms of repeated and inane search terms… mmm breasts…

      Stay around.

  7. Love your search term posts. Always inspires me to actually check my stats… and gag. heh

  8. John Erickson Says:

    Maybe they were thinking of using you as a chef, like to cook for a wedding or something? After all, you could just pull the Monty Python restaurant’s menu (“Eggs, bacon, sausage, and Spam”), and substitute “bacon” for Spam!
    Mmm, bacon-wrapped Spam! 😀

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