AutoTopic: Write A Letter To Your 16-Year-Old Self

I have to admit I have avoided touching topics like this one for over 340 or more posts (yeah, I use my drafts folder – no freakin’ telling when this gem will float to the scummy surface like a bloated, gooey, rotting corpse). I think it might possibly be related to some intense dislike for my former selves, or just outright unwillingness to bandwagon. Gee, Doc, I don’t know… why is my mother relevant to this discussion? Hey, nice sofa, real leather, …

Drama aside, it’s probably the latter, since I’ve not seen one of these in months. Guess the coast is clear then, right? Brace yourself, here we go:

Dear Insipid, Whiny Douchebag Younger Me,

You’re being an insipid, whiny, young douchebag, you fuck. Sorry, but that’s the facts and I ought to know. Want proof? Look at the scar on my left shin under the kneecap. Overall you need to know that right now you need to work harder at not being such a little bitch and have a tall, warm mug of man-the-fuck-up. Save me some trouble, please, because this process shouldn’t take 27 years. I blame you, or us, for making this take so long.

Keep in mind that not … fucking … everything … in this universe … revolves around you and how you feel. You’re a fly turd on the windshield of life, and the sooner you figure that mystery out, the better. Sorry but it doesn’t get any deeper or meaningful than that.

Anyway, this is going to be less advice than it is reassurance. I know what a fucked up little nerdboy fucktard you are right now and how much sci-fi you read, so giving you epic investment tips about things either microscopic or soft is out of the question, and I’ll let you know you will still detest apples 27 years from now. Maintain your interest in science, because a google can become a google-plex with one simple addition of an exponent. Bet you completely missed all that.

To reassure you on the thing you’re worried about most right now, no – that won’t haunt you forever. In fact you turn out to be a decent driver. It was just an old Impala. Get the fuck over it. Bad shit happens, and you’re in for some more of your own that will make that Impala into a good joke by comparison.

Also, yes, you will eventually get a girlfriend. No, I’m not saying when, so keep mercilessly smacking your shit because that will not damage a fucking thing. Trust me. Really. Actually it will give you the ability to… never mind. I will say that if you get busy on the manning-the-fuck-up thing it might just come a lot sooner. Just saying.

Last, would you please for the love of God work on some better grades, and try actually remembering the shit you’re studying. It is actually important. The fact that your pussy little ass is bored is irrelevant here. Trust me, it will make some important bullshit later a whole lot faster and easier.


Me, the asshole you’ll someday relish being.

Yeah, that would do the trick. Wonder what I’d be like now if I’d listened to that? Interesting thought.


31 Responses to “AutoTopic: Write A Letter To Your 16-Year-Old Self”

  1. You seem a little ticked at your younger self…..

  2. Wow, not even sure you could call that a love-hate relationship with your 16 year old self!

  3. Hhmmm, this makes want to think about what I would say to my insecure, skinny-ass 16-year-old self. Ver-r-ry interesting.
    Isn’t it amazing how well we actually turn out?

  4. This is an incredibly honest letter to your (former) self… I love it. Do you think if you had read this then you would have taken heed?
    I have to tell you, if I could go back, I’d have beaten my own ass..
    Happy Friday!

  5. That’s right, you tell that little whiny bitch! Because the universe revolves around ME goddammit!!!! 🙂

  6. whiteladyinthehood Says:

    I bet I was more of a screw-up at 16 then you were….(seriously) I would not have listened to my ‘future’ self because I knew every thing. The best part is – you relish who you “turned out” to be.

  7. I would tell my younger self to get laid more.

  8. Wow! You really know how to put you in your place. Sounds like some pretty sage advice. And it does make you wonder how different your life could be had a future-self told you what you needed to hear most. Okay… wait, but then future-self wouldn’t exist? …

  9. Seems like you turned out alright.
    I avoid these exercises like the plague.

  10. Great rant! 😉

    If I could go back in time, I would tell myself two things:

    1. Don’t buy a bunch of stuff that you need to store, dust, or insure against natural and man-made disasters.

    2. What THEY think of you is none of your business.

  11. […] Thank, BrainRants, for the topic idea. Like this:LikeBe the first to like this post. from → Life ← […]

  12. John Erickson Says:

    Fascinating – most of my advice to a younger me would be similar. Yes, there will be women who can tolerate you. I’d swing more for “be less extravagant when you have money, ’cause you will soon NOT have any”.
    And YOU should’ve warned your younger self NOT to accept any posts from one John Erickson. Just sayin’….

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