Reader’s Rant: That Guy Part Five

It occurred to me that I’d lost track of this post in my Draft Rants folder here at good old WordPress. Thanks to the suggestions of loyal Rant Army members, this constitutes the fifth installment of my backfiring, engine-skipping, thrown-rod series on those retards who have been placed on Earth directly in our paths merely to serve as a warning to everyone else. Either that or just piss us off. Either way.

On with the hilarity, and please check out the pages I linked. These bloggers all have excellent stuff of their own:

Mr. Manscaped (Jamie): Mr. Manscaped is a disturbingly-perfect example of metrosexuality that will have you questioning your own after seeing his plucked eyebrows, immaculate tan, hair just-so with a highlight and style, and oddly snug pants that other men would find painful to wear. Ladies, Manscaped spends more time in the batroom getting ready than Tammy Faye Bakker ever did, but not to fear because he’s not going to hit on you. But you better watch your S.O.’s back.

The Rock God (Heather): Back in 1972, The Rock God was in a high school garage band that never left the oil-spotted shade. 40 years later, he’s still in that band – at least in his head – touring the globe, banging groupies, and looking as epic and disturbing as Mick Jagger. If you’re nice to Rock God, he’ll loan you a great tour tee shirt. Score!

Mr./Ms. Switchup (Dragonfae): You work for this dillhole, who will very intently listen to what you have to say and then completely agree, letting you know just how valuable your ideas are and how your proposals will be enacted. Then, of course, the dweeb will do the exact opposite. Why? Nobody knows, most especially Switchup him/herself.

The Town Crier (Ladyryl): The Town Crier is not just a gossip, but a highly motivated and energetic gossip. Crier is the douchebag who simply must get the latest, juiciest tidbits of Who-Slapped-John spreading. Not to be content merely assisting, this assmunch has to the first. No matter what the interest or vice, there’s a 5A type who has to make it competitive.

Tellit Like Itisasaurus (Ladyryl): This is Crier’s fraternal twin, and Tellit merely likes to do just that – tell it. In detail. Mind numbing detail. Tellit puts the ‘blah’ into blah blah blah. In fact, it doesn’t even have to be gossip necessarily. The only requirement is you. Listening. For hours. Entertain this pudknocker, and you’ve just condemned your brain to turn to putty.

By now you all know instinctively about That Guy’s innate ability to function like herpes… just keep on giving. Give me your That Guy suggestion in a comment, and see it sometime in the future.

24 Responses to “Reader’s Rant: That Guy Part Five”

  1. Great read on this fine morning.. my least favorite ‘that guy’ is the co-worker who continually talks to himself all freaking day long. This would be no big deal except I share an office with this poster child for insanity.
    I used to say, “What?”
    But after many retorts of “oh, I’m just talking to myself” I just get up and walk away.

    Have an awesome day!

  2. Well done on another accurate portrayal of life’s smut. How about belt buckle cowboy hat toting guy. The guy who lives in Florida but acts like a Texas oil coon…

  3. Lately I’ve been enjoying the diatribes of Catty Cathy – yes, you read that right. The nearly senior citizen lady who knows everything about everything, will tell you all about it, and more importantly wants to know everything about your own life so she can add it to the encyclopedia of information she will later share with the rest of the world.

  4. John Erickson Says:

    Dredging one up from the olden days – The Shadow. You’re on the plane/train/El/bus all alone, one more person gets on, and they sit RIGHT next to you – if not slightly ON you. Especially a joy on those hot August Chicago days, on an un-air conditioned CTA bus (which have scents AND flavours all their own – don’t ask).
    Or, if you want a REALLY hard one for you to relate with, how about “tech sci-fi guy”? The one at the convention that wants to know EXACTLY how warp drive works, down to each and every wire. Especially when he asks celebrities who still have VCRs flashing midnight.
    By the by, just where DID you get the inspiration for the “who slapped John” comment? You insinuate that I make improper comments to ladies. I only do that with YOU. 😀

    • Very nice: Body Odor Bob… because there is no such thing as a stinky woman.

      As far as slapping you, I’m here at the head of the line… waiting… staying warmed-up…

      • John Erickson Says:

        Yeah, you and a quarter of the dang planet. It’s odd, though – guys want to slap me. Very few women want to hit me. With either a VERY fast moving car, or an even faster-moving bullet. Interesting dichotomy….

          • John Erickson Says:

            For who – the many guys that wanna slap me, the small number of women who’d like to plant me 6 feet under, or me for having such an avid following?
            And you’re not allowed to have “pity parties”. They’re bad for morale. You ARE allowed to have “quality circles”, where you discuss the problems bugging all of you. (True story from my days with Ameritech. 😀 )

          • No we have teleconferences with PowerPoint. That burns out any shred of humanity and feeling. You however, are free to pity all you want.

  5. The “Paki” I recently ranted about was a Catty Cathy. He would regale us with the most embarassingly intimate details about every neighbor on the block, and then say something like, So, do you have anything like that?, as if he’d never tell anyone else our shit.

  6. I’ve come to love that guy. Well, your posts about him anyway. Gotta run the clipper’s charged.

  7. You gotta do one about the Whistler – the guy who whistles all day long, out of tune. He thinks he’s whistling under his breath but unfortunately everyone can hear him – like nails on a chalkboard! Unfortunately, these guys are usually depressingly happy too often too.

  8. Nailed ’em! 😀

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