Even More, More Shit That I Do Not Get

What in the sam hell is going on in this freaktastic world? Really… I cannot read the news without being barraged by smut-tastic or pimptastic or something resembling a scandalous portrayal of what we mere humans endure on a day-to-day basis here on Earth. Right? Why should I be scared to take in the Syria update along with Iran’s nuclear holocaust threats because the sidebar stories are too horrific to stomach? I have a right to stress the hell out, people.

Here’s my fucking (f-word to throw off the Freshly Pressed Thought Police) thoughts on this tripe:

The Duggars: You’re all really and truly sad because you lost your 19th baby? I’m not saying dead babies are cool, but my reason tells me that Mama Duggar has finally got to be relieved that the fucking clown car that is her vagina has stopped spewing tiny, wrinkled wet humans.

Autism: Some fucking study links fat moms to having autistic kids. My take on this is: ‘when will you fuckers just admit that genetically, it’s a fucking crapshoot.’ Yeah, smoke up, hit the bong, drop tabs, and get banged like a screen door in a Kansas windstorm. That won’t make your kid fucked up at all. Shit happens. Given what I see at WalMart if this story is true, the United States will have an autistic President in only 10 years. Word!

Ricki Lake Looks Better With Age: Really? I’m not so sure. I am her age and trust me when I say that I’ve gone totally downhill after 28, adoption of the bald look taken into account. She looked better fat, honestly. Now same article – Sandra Bullock… okay, now we’re talking. Daaayum.

Apples Have A Virus: Ooooooh nooooo, Mr. Bill! Really? Five-hundred-thousand iUsers got this virus, and somehow it makes national headlines? All I have to say is, ‘Welcome to the mainstream, iComputerMaker. Fuck you too.‘ I say this because the C:\ drive-eating viruses that mom’s-basement-dwelling hackers develop that I have to hear about via my Army IT community contacts really suck ass… if they even know about it in advance.

Why Did The Band On The Titanic Play On?: Okay, I’ll speculate the easy answer: they had nothing better to do at the moment. Pretty simple. I hear they arranged the deck chairs on the way down.

America’s Decline: Yeah? Fuck you, assmunch. I don’t see it, and I seriously doubt anyone else does either except for the dickwad mainstream media types who cannibalistically feast on the carcasses of well-seasoned dead meat left in the public sun. Asswipes. You have an appointment with me in my basement room with no windows.

How To Hit A Nude Beach: Hmm, very tough propostion here in that tagline. I’m going to have to guess this: “What is, ‘naked,’ Alex?” Hopefully I just unconstipated someone’s brain jeopardy on this issue. I always go to nude beaches with nothing but a camera and extra battereries. Word, dog.

This is merely a minor sampling of what I see in the internet news providers’ content that makes me want to go out and strangle kittens while they squirm and act fucking cute. Bastards – thanks for ruining my day. Again.

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22 Responses to “Even More, More Shit That I Do Not Get”

  1. You forgot the stories about What JLo wore to the Awards and What F-ed Up Thing Lindsay Lohan Did Now! I hate all of those people. Also, I’ve noticed my own ranting has gone down lately and I think it’s because I’m working out my anger here on your site. Thanks Doc! Cheaper than therapy!

  2. It’s posts like this one that make you my hero. The rest of the fuckery is there only to make us look better.

  3. Oh Rant I just dig your posts. Seems we have a lot of the same peeves to air. Mostly due to your aforementioned tunnel vision on ‘reporting.’ Hmmmm Cult of Personality ring any bells?

    Nothing brings out the drooling public like freaks (worked for Barnum and Hearst!), Fear (sadly the biggest motivator for the ignorant and dimwitted People of Wal-Mart..sorry. Meant to say citizens) and the ultimate Three Card Monte of adjusting statistics to prove whatever point you wish to prove.

    Knew that WP had a thought police (they routinely change the rating of YoYo-Dyne from PG to ‘Adult’ content…uhhhh no porn here. Just individual thoughts. I KNOW you know what I mean) but had believed they’d cut back after a large WP member shout-out a few years ago.
    Well guess I’ll never be Freshly Pressed. Fuck it!

    You rawk babe 🙂

  4. John Erickson Says:

    I think the phrase my father always used was “Small things amuse simple minds”. Or words to that effect. Though I will give you a completely redneck “Hell Yeah” support for what you said about Sandra Bullock. (I was going to say I’d second your thoughts, but that just felt so …. WRONG. 😉 )
    And as I write this, there is a monster truck rally (high-society) coming to Columbus, complete with the car-eating, fire-breathing robotic monstrosity called – and I kid you not – Tranasaurus.
    Anybody expecting a T-Rex in drag? I sure as heck am! 😀

    • John Erickson Says:

      And now, sitting here watching shows on “Titanic”, I realise I missed the most obvious of your questions. “Why did the band play on?” Shame on you, Army-breath! 😉 It’s called “morale”. The most hopeless battle can still be won IF the people involved THINK they can win; the most sturdy defence will crumble if your men don’t believe they can win. Call it bravado, “stiff upper lip syndrome”, chutpah, or cojones – by playing until their deaths, the band showed that all would be well, no matter how fast the water rose.
      Believe me, as a student of WW2 German military history, morale is one of the most important tools a military has!

    • I lost track of what you were saying after “Sandra Bullock.”

  5. I’m so not up on the current gossip.. I don’t even know who the Duggar’s are.. true story.

  6. This is exactly why I avoid the news as much as possible. A bit on the radio while getting ready in the morning is about all I can tolerate. 😉

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