AutoTopic: Lifetime Supply Of Candy – What Kind Do You Pick?
By now you all out there know of my tendencies when it comes to food – I like it, a lot. Therefore, this AutoTopic serving ought not surprise anyone very much. I’m definitely not surprised. What you might find mildly surprising is the fact that in truth, I am not much of a candy eater. Seriously. Stop laughing. Anyway, I thought this was quite appropriate to the new and improved commercial Easter we love here.
Given a choice between a another helping of a dinner favorite or some dessert in the form of candy, I’ll take the second helping 95% of the time. So for the other 5%, here’s my list of favorites:
Candy Corns – Why are these considered a Halloween candy? These kind of defy explanation because they have no flavor except for “sugar syrup” and are coated in wax, but this candy I will – no shit – not stop eating until the bag is empty or I am sugar-coma unconscious. Whichever comes first.
Cadbury Creme Eggs – I don’t know if these qualify as a candy or not. I don’t care. There’s something epic about a chocolate shell full of tasty snot-goo. If I could figure out a way to unscrew these like an Oreo and suck the sugary goo out, I’d never leave the house. Except to buy more Creme Eggs.
Whoppers (Malted Milk Balls) – This is another candy that if I have it, then either all of the package is going in me or none of it is going in me. Sometimes I will slow down long enough to nibble off the chocolate coating and then have a malty blast.
Junior Mints – [insert Homer Simpson drooly sound here] Mmmm… mints. I loves me some of anything mint, and these are powerfully minty. Truthfully, peppermint patties work equally well – I’m not a picky bitch.
Caramels – And just the basic, cellophane-wrapped variety, please. The difficulty in unwrapping the little bastards ensures I reach a frustration level before I become obese. Yes, I’ve tried just eating them with the wrapper and removing it from my mouth later like an olive pit. Not a good idea.
M&Ms – I love a candy that can let me indulge my OCD tendencies to sort and arrange by colors or patterns. There’s an order the colors must be eaten in. Plus, I get to eat. Finally, chocolate is always a big win.
Smarties – Now you know the secret behind my intelligence. Smarties do make me smarter. I like the sweet but fruity flavor, particularly the orange-colored ones that have a hint of childrens’ aspirin flavor. Like M&Ms, they let me indulge my OCD as well.
So that’s my lifetime candy supply list, though as I said, in reality the delivery truck wouldn’t have to be very big at all. Hmm… all this typing gave me a bad chocolate craving…