Sick Search Terms #3

There is really no telling from week to week which stream of free entertainment is more polluted with twisted perversion. Never one to turn away a good laugh, here’s even more search terms collected from this very blog site.

Remember: someone actually typed these into a search engine somewhere –

How I eat fries when I’m alone – I have to wonder why anyone would have differing methods of fry consumtion based on whether or not they’re alone. That really implies some sick shit. What are they doing with the fries? Nasty.

Freakass hose – Not touching this. Or the freakass hose. Eeew.

I don’t understand a shit – Admittedly, neither do I. However, I’d suggest that you either ask the shit to speak up, enunciate, or speak more slowly. Then again, the shit could have too much of a potty mouth to be understood completely. Oh yeah, I just did.

Garanimal underwear – I thought they only made outerwear. If I’d only known. I could have raised my game in coordinating my clothes, starting with the underfuckingwear and working my way out to my pimp-ass threads. Hell, I kind of still wear Garanimals.

Three terms in the ass tube – What. The. Fuck? Does this mean someone is a semester away from an Ass-Sociates? I am afraid to ask.

Would a cast iron skillet be good for a zombie apocalypse? – Though I’m no expert on the subject of zombie apocalypses, I do know my cast iron. I’d say that yes, it would be effective for cooking as well as defense, but I’d caution that it would be a last-ditch weapon since you have to let the zombie get to within arms’ reach of you. Just sayin.’

Dehumidifier water apocalypse – This goes in so many directions at once I have no idea what to do with it. Other than the obvious that there’s a lot of apocalypse searching going around, zombie and otherwise. But really, dehumidifier water? WTF?

Ensenada John Erickson – I shudder at the J.E. soliloquy this will generate below. But more disturbing is whatever J.E. was doing in Ensenada, although I suspect that his bloglessness was probably doing something involving blue pills bought at deep discount, because once you have them you don’t want to be in Tijuana or Juarez. Seriously. I did not click this because I assumed there were pictures.

Spams in ass – Is this really happening? It’s bad enough they clog my email inbox. It’s worse still that some dilweed can figure out how to use blog comments as spam. And now you’re telling me those spams will fill my ass? Kill me now.

Not entirely bad for a free source of entertainment. Twisted, but free.

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46 Responses to “Sick Search Terms #3”

  1. I think the How I eat fries when I’m alone search could inspire a blog on eating various different foods alone:

    How I eat cake when I’m alone
    How I eat filet mignon when I’m alone
    How I eat hummus when I’m alone

    etc

    Then an opposite blog could be written:

    How I eat crab legs when I’m at a party

    Mind you, I don’t have the motivation to write any of these, just throwing the ball out there for someone else to run with it.

  2. I like running, I’ll run with it. Fries in public: One at a time, ladylike. Possibly with a fork. Fries in private: Clump of 4-5 (depending on width), down the hatch at once. Extra salt, please. Kinda like I eat my Yucky Chumps when nobody’s watching and I’m sitting around in my French-cut Garanimals: oats first, marshmallows last.

  3. Hhmmm…is John a wanted man? Is he stuck in a Mexican prison somewhere. That would explain a lot.

  4. What our dehumidifier was acting up!

  5. ok, this is what is jumping out at me. Why the hell would someone search for “why I eat fries alone.” Do they not know? Is there some deep psychological stuff there that makes lonesome fry eaters different than group fry eaters?

    I like to eat my fries by the fingerful, with hot sauce, in my Garanimals.

  6. whiteladyinthehood Says:

    Rants – you are hilarious! I laughed so hard at this post..for real…

  7. John Erickson Says:

    Oh my goodness, what a truly embarrassing richness of possibilities. But since my name has actually appeared on one, I shall address that particular bizarrity. Ensenada and I had nothing to do with drugs – it was a port of call during a sea-going sci-fi con called SeaTrek West, where a number of original series and Next Gen stars traveled along with a mess of fen (fen is the plural of fan, and a group of fen is ALWAYS a mess). It was a glorious 3-day cruise down from Long Beach to Ensenada and back, and I had the tremendous honour of being Grace Lee Whitney’s escort. I accompanied her and Jimmy Doohan’s wife through a seaside bazaar, and had a wonderful time with these two lovely and charming ladies.
    Sorry, nothing sordid nor pharmaceutical in nature. And I’ve never spent time in jail in Mexico OR Canada. My lawyer won’t let me say more! 😉
    And remember, cast-iron skillets are not just for hand-to-hand combat. Skillets make great armour, stopping anything hand-thrown and even being effective at slowing pistol rounds. So keep a good supply around, just in case of that zombie apocalypse!

  8. Everybody sing along (to the tune of “Three Coins in a Fountain”)…

    Three terms in the ass tube
    Each one seeking freakiness
    Typed by three hopeful perverts
    Which one will the ass tube bless?

  9. dehuminidifers draw water out of the air – it drips down into ap an. it is a gross but potential source of drinking water in an emergency.

    • Well yeah, but why is that apocalyptic?

    • John Erickson Says:

      So is the water in the flush tanks of toilets, so long as there are no cleaner/deodorizer thingies hanging in there. And water heaters. And most intact homes will have several gallons lying in the pipework, very easy to access with modern plastic pipe.
      Just some ideas for the zombie apocalypse. 😀

      • You actually think about these things, don’t you?

        • John Erickson Says:

          Nope, they just come to me. I tend to think about the fields of fire and methods of clearing each and every building I enter. I have our entire neighborhood “bore-sighted”, so to speak. just in case of defensive need. After all, what good is a beautiful bomb shelter if it’s stuck in the ground? Just head to the nearest building and scope out the defensive and survival properties of it – nukes, zombies, aliens, or the greatest horror of our age …. MITT ROMNEY!!!! 😀 (Yeah, just kidding. I don’t think you can “bland” somebody to death. 😉 )

  10. this was both entertaining and informative… mostly about apocalypses. Is that the plural of apocalypse? maybe I’ll google it. It’ll probably lead me back here.

  11. Freakass hose and Ass tubes, there seems to be theme occurring here. Asses and tubes, don’t mix. Should be your next post…proceed.

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