Why Our Future Is Totally Hosed

I read an article, which I’ll summarize below for my loyal ADD readers, that outlined some of the more useless courses available at the colleges we are sending our kids to now (well, some of us). We are totally screwed. Completely and totally bent over the table and taking it prison-sex style and without the love, tenderness and lubrication that normally is associated with prison sex.

Cutting to the chase, the Roster of Collegiate Fail:

Lady GaGa and the Sociology of Fame (U. of S. Carolina) – Even an Oliver Wendell Holmes is referenced in the syllabus. Not that this would redeem anything about a course on the sociological impact of Lady GaGa’s fame. WTF?

The Phallus (Occidental College) – This course apparently provides the elusive connection between masculinity and the phallus. Really. Like nobody had ever made the connection before, and this must now be taught. Maybe there is something to the concept of our creeping demasculinization of the American Male. Poor kids.

Joy of Garbage (Santa Clara College) – Yeah. Naturally, presented with lots of material showing why discarded plastic bags are causing global warming, of course. And only in California, home to some of the worst smog the world knows.

Harry Potter: Finding Your Patronus (Oregon State) – Leadership education in action. I can only speculate that this is really a transition course to help nerdy freshmen get used to interacting with real life after being a Harry Potter fanboy or fangirl for years. Please tell me I’m right.

Theatrical Fencing (U. of Wisconsin, Madison) – So very important, because you just never know when you’ll have to defend the honor of a faire maiden. Or get all Jedi on somebody’s ass.

DJ History, Culture and Technique (New York University) – Yo. Great fallback after you fail out, dog. Takes a lot of skillz to push a record player’s turntable backward. Apparently New York doesn’t want to be known for any major DJ failures.

Arguing with Judge Judy: Popular ‘Logic’ on TV Judge Shows (U. Cal. Berkeley) – This of course is the revered Berzerkeley. I am so glad Berkeley rejected my application now. I’d hate to think I was an alumnus of that black hole of liberal assclownery.

Sport For the Spectator (Ohio State) – Training great Raiders fans every year. Topics include costume making, body paint application, pre-drinking technique at the tailgaite, and the key subject of how to be put on camera, live on national TV, acting like a fool.

Learning From YouTube (Pitzer College) – OMG. Part of our problem right now is that our kids are learning from YouTube, and we’re now going to formalize this civilization-killer?

Geology and Cinema (U. of Minnesota) – About as exciting as watching rocks weather, I’m guessing. I really have no idea how you could possibly teach geology via the cinema. Apparently they have a lot of time to figure that out in Minnesota.

I have no idea what to think, other than I might buy some open-ended tickets to Australia soon. We are all completely fucked, you know.


50 Responses to “Why Our Future Is Totally Hosed”

  1. These are evidently the clever efforts of professors applying for tenure.

    I will never forget taking a philosophy/logic course based solely on Alice in Wonderland. I got extra credit for my synopsis of what goes on down in the rabbit hole and its application to modern culture. I kid you not.

  2. I wish they taught Harry Potter when I was in college. I would’ve known how the books ended before they even came out.

  3. In your ‘DJ History’ category, it should read ‘DAWG’ and not ‘dog’.
    And Yo, check out this hook while my DJ revolves it.

  4. mkultra76 Says:

    I am three classes away from my degree. One of those classes MUST be an elective and my list of offerings are very similar to your list. I dread the day when I have to write a paper on “Lady Gaga’s Patronus” or “Global Climate Change in Cinema,” or “The Relevance of Frodo in a Harry Potter World.” All fantastic topics for a blog post, but I don’t want to PAY for it. I am an ADULT, dammit!!

  5. whiteladyinthehood Says:

    I think Lady GaGa sucks…I have no idea what the kids see in her..(I guess I’m old) Theatrical Fencing (?) hahaha

  6. Ahh, yes. Academia at its best. We are all fucked as these are probably similar to the Uni courses here as well…not at my campus though. I can’t see a chemical engineering student venturing into a class that has the title of ‘Harry Potter’ anything, in it. Scary…

  7. Crap, I took all of those in school. But at least I’m still VP of the Bubble Wrap factory. (I don’t know what that means either.)

  8. Makes me proud to work in higher ed.

  9. Occidental is near me and I hate them. We played them in sports. It seems appropriate that they would have a course as obvious as breathing is essential to stay alive.

  10. Rich Crete Says:

    The governor of FL had the audacity to suggest maybe the state shouldn’t be funding these classes/majors that will never help anyone get a real job. Naturally, he was labeled a fascist for suggesting what people should study. Sigh.

  11. I don’t know – I might want to take the Geology & the Cinema course. After seeing Lost Raiders I was convinced I should be a geologist so I could swing from vines, etc. Maybe they’re just trying to up the glamour quotient for a very “dry” course.

  12. Rant, I feel ill, and it’s not from the Sierra Stout being consumed with my breakfast.
    Now, I can see Fencing for Theatrics -taught in the theater department. Believe it or not (yeah I was a band and theater geek in HS and college) this is probably taught at a lot of colleges known for their theater departments, including Yale.
    It’s when we get courses on The Phallus (and whether male or female if you’re not aware of every aspect of this subject you should repeat High School), The Joy of Garbage (only in fucking Santa Cruz -which by the way has no smog and is home to many trust fund pseudo-hippies; all of which consume non-biodegradable mochachinos or whateverthehell they’re called cups from Starfucks.
    My favorite is the ‘Sociology’ course involving Lade GaGa.
    First of all, If you’ve got the balls (heh) to take this course you HAVE no social life. WTF are you doing majoring in Sociology?

    The mind boggles. Luckily my daughter, The Demon Seed, has a full rife scholarship at SFSU. She is going pre-med (this semester), then specializing in psychiatry. It’s a family thing.
    Hmmmmm think we’ll both have a great chat about your blog when she visits home next weekend.

    DEFINITELY buying more Sierra Stout for that one. Come on by and have a delightful -and uber sarcastic time with us.
    Think I’ll have her bring the SFSU catalog with her….

    ‘Writing charts in Red Crayon -soothing to nurses or just another reason to hate you?’
    ‘So you call your eldest male relative ‘Uncle Grandad.’ Southern humor or Southern Fact?’
    ‘Medicaid in the time of Cholera’

    In the immortal words of Dr. Seuss…. ‘Oh the Fun You’ll Have!’

    Rant, this was a good one. thanks for the morning laugh 😉

  13. And who says people waste money in College?! Not me!?

  14. As fun as those classes sound, I can’t imagine a single career they would prepare you for until professional douche becomes a position.

  15. I really hope you are joking. I would hate to think that someone is paying for a college course with any of these titles. I bet students are signing up fast. Class is probably full for fall already.

  16. Like you, I have seen the future . . . and it doesn’t work. We’re screwed. 🙄

  17. Remember…our Dear Leader spent his college years learning all kinds of liberal arts shit like this, so we’re really and truly screwed. I’d take the Stage Fencing course. I mean, how impractical, yet how amazingly awesome? There was actually a course about Star Wars at my school. I’m not kidding.

  18. Anyone hear about the class they were teaching on learning philosophy though the TV show “Lost?” Crazy crazy. Although the fencing class would be legitimate for a performing arts degree. If youre gonna be in plays you gotta know how to fence, my son.

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