News That I Don’t Get

I realize I did a post about completely whack news recently, but you know what? [What, Rants?] Well, homey, I simply cannot control the ludicrous crap that spews from the diseased maw of our mainstream media every day. [No way, Rants. I thought you had superduperpowers.] I know, I know. I do have some powers, like turning wine into water, so to speak. [Oh.] Roger. Here we go:

Missile Defense: Or should I say ‘missing defense’ and leave it at that? “Dear Russia, North Korea, Pakistan, and Iran: ignore our expert military advisors, they’re butt-darts. To prove I’m real, here are the access codes for what little anti-ballistic defenses the U.S. has left… Love, O.”

Octomom Dropping The Top: Do I have to say it? Coulda seen this one coming? Or would ‘told ya so’ be better? Apparently the Brits get to see Octomom tits (and I’m about to be a rapper) to the tune of $10,000. That ought to buy a month or two of diapers. The most epic part of the article I read was this gem: “I get way too much male attention, but I won’t date until the octuplets are 18 – I live for them now.” Which totally explains the topless stunt.

Wiggin’ Out In The Wild Blue: I am so totally thinking that I need to work for JetBlue whenever I retire from the Army. I can’t fly an airplane, but I’m thinking that won’t matter for shit. According to what I read, a JetBlue pilot was subdued by passengers bound from JFK to Las Vegas after raving about nebulous terrorist threats, the Taliban, and Afghanistan. And this after the beer-thief steward guy. Totally up my alley.

Hanoi Jane Strikes Again: Yeah, now this one completely and totally tears my o-ring out of its frame. To cast Jane Fonda as Nancy Reagan in some upcoming movie just makes me want to slaughter kittens and bludgeon fucktard liberals. A prime example of Hollywood’s liberal, dissociated vacuousness, this should make anyone who survived the ’80’s projectile vomit from the sheer disrespect of it all. You all out there have no idea how much restraint it takes for me not to use the “C-word” in this paragraph. If you need me, I’ll be praying toward President Reagan’s grave for forgiveness upon our entire worthless society.

Whitney: Still dead, not as stoned anymore. Ironically, just the same as Michael Jackson.

Sometimes I really want to move off of this planet. Fuck me.

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30 Responses to “News That I Don’t Get”

  1. Whitney. Michael. And Elvis.

  2. Evinguu Says:

    Fucktard Liberals? How can a group of self interest, wealthy, upper classes in hollywood be truly considered to be liberals? they have no ideal in the freedom of speech, or in the so called American Dream, they are out for their own interests to get richer at others expense. They most certainly are not liberals. They are quite liberal in terms of their views on themselves but not in a political sense. This may clarify my point here.. http://liberals-usa.org/Philosophy.
    Yes all the parties are as bad as each other over the pond but the Liberal movement is one of the few saving graces of a completley fucked up (politically wise) government. Or am i missing the point you made there??

    I cringe whenever is see American news its dumbing down at its finest and scare mongering on a scale i didnt think possible. Christ if they could get away with it they would tell you that Mexican immigrants are giving american children STD’s by proxy. Well at least in my opinion Fox would certainly try that one, and possibly already have.

    • They support liberal candidates with money and mouth farts. The film industry is decidedly liberal and self-admit it. Everyone – liberal and conservative – is intensely self-interested.

      • Evinguu Says:

        Haha thats a fair enough point and certainly wont argue with you on that one. Maybe naive of me to think Liberals actually beleived in what being a Liberal should be. Just goes to show how the word liberal has been ass raped untill it gives up and admits that it isnt what it says on the tin at all.

        Thank god we in Britain have a completley sensible and non corporate political system apart from BP and The Murdoch family to name but a few with vested interest and “Donations” to certain parties (no its not lobbying at all), in a country where laws can be voted in by a group who are not elected and all overseen by a queen who was apparently given a divine right to rule over the lands of the empire. You Americans must be jealous!! (ok, sarcasm doesnt really work very well when you are typing)

  3. I hadn’t heard about Octomom’s new capitalistic venture. Now I have. Despite my overwhelming better instincts, I bet I google that sometime today.

  4. Sometimes it’s hard to tell whether you’re reading the real newspaper or the onion. The two are slowly merging.

  5. John Erickson Says:

    I see a synergistic moment in your future. You fly on a JetBlue airplane, rescue the people from a berserk pilot, land the craft safely, evacuate the passengers to the media to sing your praises, then take back off and crash the plane into Jane Fonda. After you hit the silk, that is – can’t afford to lose a shining beacon of sanity like yourself.
    (My goodness, I actually typed that preceding line without snorting with laughter! Well, without snorting TOO many times. 😉 )

  6. I don’t think Octomom needs to worry about male attention. Her vag is the size of a Yugo and “I have 14 kids and some serious issues” usually isn’t the best pick up line. But hey- I’ve had two kids and can’t go topless, so good for her having 700% more kids than me and doing it!

  7. Just what I needed on a Wednesday morning…another Godzilla-sized facepalm. (Even the news outlets I kinda like, such as Drudge Report, are chockfull of these asinine “stories” now.) If I wanted TMZ I’d go to TMZ.

  8. Octomom looks like the Joker in drag..

    and isn’t it oodles of fun finding these whacky headlines? Of course, then reality kicks in after realizing we share a planet with these morons… but it is fun to pretend they are from another planet!

  9. As Ricky Ricardo would say:

    Jet Blue . . . you’ve got some ‘splainin’ to do!

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