Reader’s Rant: That Guy Part Four

You just have to love the power of crowdsourcing. All of us are definitely more pissed and frustrated than just one of us – or just me – in spite of the high levels of rantium (Element number 115) I have in my system. I’ve got some awesome feedback from the Rants Army regarding those people out there who are That Guy… the person sentenced to life on Earth whose job is to serve as a warning to all of us. Enjoy:

Mister Right (benzeknees): This office nug is always right. Just ask the fucker, and heaven help you if you say anything he considers wrong. Should you inadvertently ‘go there,’ you’ll enjoy him relentlessly proving you wrong, no matter how long it takes. Don’t bother admitting you’re wrong, either, because it doesn’t matter – the point, in case you missed it, is that he’s right. Mr. Right won’t stop flogging this dead horse until it resembles strawberry jam.

Talk Over You (benzeknees): Have something to say? Abandon all hope, ye who attempt to speak around this douchebag. Unlike Mr. Right, this conversational juggernaut likes to win arguments by not allowing you to argue. Or even say anything at all for that matter. His existence is a long string of words punctuated by quick inhalations because he has a mouth and isn’t afraid to use it. Too bad the brain isn’t engaged as he orally beats you senseless into a dazed puddle on the office floor.

Downer Chick/Dude (White Lady In The Hood): If you feel down or blue, don’t go near the Downer or you’ll be dragging a KFC spork up your forearm while you listen to Pink Floyd on repeat. This fuckwit is genetically incapable of seeing silver linings, even when they walk up and punch them in the junk. No matter how awesome something is, this living, human Eeyore will drag you down with him or her… oh bother! Pity Party in the copy room, arsenic is on the house!

Praising Mantis (Littlegow): This zipper-headed shitheel went to a business seminar and wants to make sure you know that he knows the power of praise. He especially loves the acronyms: LSS, TQM and the rest of the herd. You did a great job on that TPS report, and the whole office is gonna hear you get patted on the back for basically doing what you were supposed to do. Too bad the fuck doesn’t understand your report, since that wasn’t covered at the seminar.

Keep the suggestions coming! This series continues to string along just fine. By the way, you are all doing a great job. Great job indeed!

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40 Responses to “Reader’s Rant: That Guy Part Four”

  1. Thank you for finally acknowledging my job and yes it was well done(actually medium rare, but I will not nitpick). Don’t you also love people who patronise you? Well, maybe you wouldn’t, given your obvious limitations! Even Mister Hawkings commended me on my excellent work, that is Steve to his friends… Not that I would dream of engaging in snobbery, you understand! It’s just that when you move in these elevated circles, you automatically run into them.(Yuck, I’m starting to give myself the willies!)

  2. Reblogged this on Ralphie´s Portal and commented:
    Another good rant from the Master!

  3. whiteladyinthehood Says:

    hahaha…you are too funny. It was excellent. Loved the reference to Eeyore.

  4. I just nearly cried with laughter but then I heard the ice-cream man and I recovered 😛

  5. This is hilarious and I can think of a person for all of the types! Hahaha!
    I am off to tweet this. You should add twitter to your share buttons…

  6. Manscaping Guy- overly groomed to the point where he looks creepy because his eyebrows are more shaped than a supermodel! He also has limited body hair and wears v-neck t-shirts with designer jeans and pointy shoes.

  7. One of my co-workers is kind of a hybrid between Mr. Right and Downer Dude. He’s like a living breating “Seinfeld” character, only he isn’t the least bit funny or amusing.

    How about “Rock God,” who still wears Led Zeppelin t-shirts at age 46, is convinced he’s “in a band,” and brags to anybody who will listen about his flippin’ sweet guitar skills or songwriting ability? I live in Nashville so there are a lot of these douches around.

  8. You know it is hard always being right.

  9. Another great rant! Awesomesauce. 🙂

    What about the idiots that tell you what they think you want to hear but then go and do whatever they want anyway, fucking everything up? Sadly, I work for one of these asswipes.

  10. […] “Whatshisface?” from Brainrants […]

  11. Thanks for using my suggestions although your descriptions are sooooo much better than mine! All too sadly I work with them all & Mr. “Been to a Seminar so I Know All About Good Employee Relations” tops them all at this point. Keep on ranting!

  12. I have a couple to share with you all…

    The Town Crier: An individual who will collect every scrap of news or gossip about every person they can and then proceed to ensure that everyone know everything about everyone other persons business/life.

    Tell like Itisasaurus: This aggravating nitwit will insist that you are getting the truth, the straight goods, the honest word, straight from the mouth that just won’t stop for hours on end while they bend your ear, your patience and time/space itself telling you their never-ending truths according to them.

    I am keeping all these gems in a file, they make for a great read when I need a chuckle…

    • Thanks! They sound like the same person to me though.

      • Not quite the town crier collects all the news, gossip and such from others and spews it out to everyone they can, seeking them out for the attention of being the first person to share whatever it is they have found out, with the likelihood of exaggerating the juiciest parts for better drama.

        The Itisasaurus doesn’t care if the info is really is true or directly related, their tirade is filled with the truth as they see it. What they ramble on about is mostly based on actual fact, the rest based on what they heard from other folks and their own opinions and prejudices. They usually start their sentences with something like “I’ll tell you the honest straight-up truth! You know me, I tell it like it is…”

        They are related for certain though….

  13. At a conference this weekend I ran into Nasal Voice. Now maybe I shouldn’t be irritated by something that someone can’t help, but really, I’d like to think that people can lower their voice enough they aren’t talking out of their nose, laughing through their nose, and interjecting at every break to speak with their nostril-ly voice.

    Ahhh… I feel better after that rant already…

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