Interplanetary Rant

This rant has been stored up somewhere in my head (or ass, if there’s any difference) for years, and it recently just occurred to me after I read some news story about the piles of scattered shit the Sun keeps way out on the edges of the Solar System like old cars at the edges of a Redneck property. So I guess this one has been coming since 2006.

What I have the red-hot ass about today is a cold-ass rock way the fuck out in Bumfuck, Solar System. In other words, Pluto. Up until 2006, Pluto had been a planet, plain and simple. It was an admittedly eccentric one to be sure, but a bona-fide planet nonetheless. Then suddenly, from out of nowhere, all hell breaks loose and a collection of uberNerds decide they’ve just got to be famous and bam! – no more planet status. So sorry, Pluto. Sad-face.

Which leaves me to say, “What the fuck, man?” I really think it’s highly unfair to have someone grow up knowing there are nine planets and then tell them, “Okay, stop thinking that. Now there’s eight. Sorry.” I don’t really care if there is another lump of shit out there nearly the same size and has a moon too. I’d been cruising along for 37 years believing – no, knowing – there were nine planets.

I mean, if we want to do that silly kind of revisionist fuckery, how about the gectors (gector: a geek who has both magnitude and direction) who specialize in continents have a big-ass meeting and decide that now on second thought, Australia is really only an island. Granted, it’s a pretty epic-size island, but forget what you learned about seven continents, *poof* now there’s six. This is sort of like that trend way back to look at Europe and Asia as one continent. Sure, you can’t even give it the benefit of the isthmus, but find someone these days who seriously refers to it as ‘Eurasia.’  Beats the hell out of ‘Asope,’ though.

Back to planets and planetoids. Call me crazy, but if you you have balls enough to capture four moons and have solid nitrogen ice on your surface, you’re bad-ass enough to be a planet in my book. Yeah, in case you hadn’t heard, Pluto’s up to at least four moons. Shit, Mars has only two. Venus has none. Maybe Venus ought to be voted off the planet island. Come to think of it, Mercury too. Fucking moonless wonders. We’ve only got one, but ours has a face.

I’m not saying reductionism is bad. Fucking with what people learned is. I mentioned that there’s another shitball out there the same size as Pluto that has a moon – Eris. Hell, if that’s the case, let’s make it a planet too, then we’d be up to a nice, even, metric ten. That kind of revision is okay to me. Then I merely look like I’m just behind on my reading if I say, “….blah blah blah, and the nine planets too!” No, then I’m set up for epic failure: “…yadda yadda, Australia, my favorite continent…” as the party slams to a silenced halt at my bigoted utterance, at which point I am shunned.

Fuck you astrometric revisionists. Pluto is a planet. Stop hatin’ on the little dude.

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33 Responses to “Interplanetary Rant”

  1. You can imagine the mental standoff in my kitchen when my second grader came home and informed me of Pluto’s status following a planetary discussion in science that day last year. Neither one of us knew what (or who) to believe after our mutual discourse. Same damage as is done by the boobs who rewrite history books. We get a lot of that here in the South. Thanks for this rant – I bet a lot of us share your sentiment.

  2. There’s a paon facebook which runs: ‘When I was your age, facebook was a planet’ .
    Just saying.

  3. You know the whole Pluto thing was payback by some science nerds who resented being snubbed by the schlub who was dressed as Pluto at Disney when they were 7 years old.

  4. If gector doesn’t enter the lexicon, something is very very wrong.
    Maybe you should draw a face in the “o”?

  5. It’s about time someone stood up for the little guy…sorry Pluto. One day I would like to take a trip to Asope…see the sights.

  6. I know! Poor pluto!

  7. “My very educated mother just served us nine…WHAT?” It ain’t the same without Pluto, which is and always will be a planet. I’m just pissed that Eris didn’t get to keep its original name…Xena.

  8. whiteladyinthehood Says:

    i have no pity for this planet imposter (he was probably not bona-fide) I’m glad the nerds exposed him.

  9. my town’s district magazine published an short article dealing with this a week ago looks like everyone is — perhaps it will eventually grab the attention it is deserving of now that it’s becoming far more fashionable …. Sorry, dude. I’ve just decided to respam my spam, when I have nothing good to say. Only because you’ve said it all of course.

  10. John Erickson Says:

    “Cars ringing a redneck’s property”? Dude, come visit me. Many places ONLY have wrecks and a house – no grass visible. Shoot, one guy collected so many, he just opened up a “used-car” business. Never worked on them, never sold a one in the going-on-5 years I’ve lived here, just took a different one out each day. What a racket!
    One problem with keeping Pluto a planet – one of the asteroids (Ceres?) is bigger. So we either have 8 or 10. 9 planets went the way of the 8-track recorder. (Into the past, ya schmuck, not into my dad’s basement! :p ) 😀

    • What makes you think I don’t already fucking have you under surveillance? Before you answer, keep in mind I work for the Government.

      • John Erickson Says:

        Two reasons. Number one, all that surplus Cold-War jamming gear I picked up cheap off eBay. And number two, you would have been able to tell me that Blackjack hit the lottery! (He got a great new gig – stud service.)

  11. Went past a trailer in Florida. There’s a motorcycle for sale, eight feet out from the door, on the lawn. Whoever mows the grass walks up to the end of the bike, cuts out on a 45 degree, and then back in. Does the same going back the other way. Lawn is 2 inches. grass under the bike touches the engine. Happened to go past the same place a year later, can’t see the bike. Oh, it’s there! The diamond of unmowed grass is now 6 feet tall. Thought of Jeff Foxworthy, and Laughed!

  12. […] crowd favorite that exposed my home-made quilt to the world. The nerd in me is torn between “Interplanetary Rant” (23 Mar 12) on the injustice served Pluto, and “The Story Of My First Car” (21 Nov 11) […]

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