Self-Flagellator Club

Do people ever tell you that you’re too hard on yourself? Do they break into tears when you provide yourself corrective critique? Do they flee in fear when you get angry at yourself? Has your SO become angry at you because s/he cannot match, let alone meet, the stream of scathing hatred you direct at yourself for failure?

If you answered ‘yes’ to any of these questions – even one – you may well be eligible for membership in the Self-Flagellator Club. This exclusive membership is only open to Type 5A, Anal Retentives who drive themselves relentlessly toward an always-unattainable goal of ‘Merely Somewhat Marginally Acceptable.’ Self-loathing and hatred is highly encouraged but not necessarily required for admission.

In fact, most of the entire global Catholic Church, Italians, and people of Jewish faith are already longstanding members. Guilt is a key component of development, and with adequate proof, your mother will be retroactively admitted as well upon your acceptance into this highly exclusive and desireable coterie. In fact, to keep in form with standard guilt trip lines, her membership will be back-dated to the point of your birth, because it is your fault. And, further, we all know that.

Upon your approved membership, you’ll receive a handsome, laminated card suitable for your wallet, purse or billfold. This proof-of-membership will admit you to a network of Guilt Pits worldwide, where a full range of theraputic lava pits, acid baths, and other Inquisition-inspired self-torture devices will be readily available. We have treadmills as well, should the athletic yet self-punishing wish to multitask. We have always kept today’s busy world worker in mind!

Your initial package of member benefit items includes a hair shirt and small flail. These will enable you to experience the entry-level phases of corrective action possible under our commonly-held standards. Once you’re fully vested, Self-Flagellators will provide, with a doctor’s written evaluation and endorsement, all manner of Advanced Guilt Relief tools to include whips, auto-tightening thumbscrews, self-closing Iron Maidens, and other choice Medieval devices of self-actualization and appeasement.

Do not hesitate! Join the ranks of great people and etch that Driven WASPy and/or other-group-stereotype behavior deeper into your soul. Don’t forget that in reality, the fact that there are stereotypes at all is your fault as well! The good news is, we love this shit! Call, email, or crawl through broken glass and salt to a recruiter near you right now.

Call! 1-800-562-4363 or email:


30 Responses to “Self-Flagellator Club”

  1. People tell me I should be harder on myself… oh well.

  2. I’d be a member, but I’d no doubt screw it up, just like I’ve managed to screw up EVERY SINGLE OTHER THING. GOD! AGH! HOW DO I MANAGE TO BE A DISAPPOINTMENT EVERY SINGLE DAY??

    Sorry, what were we talking about?

  3. Sadly, I don’t qualify for membership.
    If I spent the time necessary to berate myself for old mistakes, I wouldn’t have time to make new ones.

  4. Wow… You had me at “guilt”.

  5. I am happy to say that I am NOT a member of that club!

  6. People absolutely flee in fear when I get angry at myself…

    Do I get a free t-shirt?

  7. I was BORN to be in this club! I’m so excited! Finally, someplace I can belong. I hope I measure up. I probably won’t measure up. I never measure up. I screw up everything. I should have known that I would screw it up. I really need to apply myself harder.

  8. whiteladyinthehood Says:

    Damn, Rants – I called the number and someone from the IRS answered…kinda scared me…I think you should have a beer and a smile.

  9. Great post, Rants! I laughed all the way through.

    (NOT at you, man. With you. I’m with you all the way. Stop beating yourself up about it.)

    I am currently in recovery after being a lifetime charter member of the 1 % club ~ I used to spend countless hours berating myself for the ONE thing that I said / did / ate wrong (while ignoring NINETY-NINE things that I said / did / ate right).

    Now I give myself a pat on the back for the ONE wrong thing . . . because NO ONE likes perfect people. 😉

  10. A club I’m good enough for? Count me in!

  11. I am my own worst enemy. I have my own torture devices, but they are not nearly as epic as yours.

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