Whack-Ass News

And this shit is real. No shit. I collected this in one night – that’s right, one night – of low-effort link-following on the AlGoreIsADouchebagNet that some of you refer to as ‘the Internet.’ Anyway, I sometimes see these huge upticks in random freak-ass news, and of course am compelled to provide ranty commentary.

Bill O’Reilly: An American Witch Hunt, Focusing on the Media – Is it just me or is this a totally epic example of irony? I’m no O’Reilly fan, but you have to love the sweet justice of someone who makes a living the way he does getting “hunted” because he’s part of the media. How’s that cock feel going up your ass, Bill?

Mom and Kids Arrested After Stripping Naked Outside Pennsylvania High School – This epic stunt was conducted after she tried to take her biological son (not legal parent of him, notably) out of school. To make this better, her 22 and 23 year old daughters were included included in this truth-or-dare exercise. Grown up tantrums are awesome, but more on that below…

Los Angeles Woman Reportedly Uses Chainsaw to Commit Suicide – Fucking awesome. This lady gets the posthumous “A” for effort from me. Fuck remembering the whole ‘go up and down the river, not across it’ shit. No, we’re from LA, in a hurry, and can’t wait to just simply bleed out. Fire up the Stihl and get to fucking work. Awesome. Four words: Gene. Pool. Self. Chlorination.

‘Sausage Rage’ Cited in Attack on 7-Eleven Employee – More tantrum. We men ought to know the dangers of denying desperate women sausage… what? Why are you looking at me like that? The Freudy-Doidy’s built into the story!  Anyway, here’s the story, (bitch gotta have her some sausage!) included because it’s too fucking funny:

Police in southern New Jersey say a woman began attacking a 7-Eleven employee when she found out the store did not have any sausages, The News of Cumberland County reports.

An officer responding to a panic alarm set off Friday said that as he began to enter the store, he saw the suspect, Brittany Glanville, trying to climb over the counter to go after the clerk, Chief Mark Ott told the paper. Glanville, 25, was immediately arrested and put in the officer’s patrol car, where she tried to kick out the vehicle’s windows. 

The officer used pepper spray to subdue Glanville, according to the News.

The clerk and other store employees said that Glanville became enraged when there were no sausages ready to eat in the store’s hot dog cooker.

Romney Wins Puerto Rican Primary – Woopity-Shit. Who really gives a fuck? Puerto Ricans like you. I don’t. You should care about that, Mitt. You think we want a President named after a baseball glove?

Awesome. I’m so proud to be part of these folks’ society. Well, except for the chainsaw suicide lady, who isn’t technically part of our society anymore. But hey, she’s a winner because she accomplished what she set out to do, right? So special.

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23 Responses to “Whack-Ass News”

  1. whiteladyinthehood Says:

    Dang! You are Super Ranty today!! I’m almost scared to say I laughed at this….but, like a dumbass I will say LOL. Especially over the chick who wanted her some sausage…that was not over the top.

  2. Yep, the jokes just write themselves!

  3. Hah, this is golden stuff. I like to think that when I get old I can get all kinds of weird and do wacky stuff like the sausage lady.

  4. that’s hardcore, chainsaw suicide! You must really want to die and to do so painfully!

  5. “Sausage rage” sounds so damn porno to me. And Al Gore is a douchebag…a douchebag who lives in my city, unfortunately.

  6. Yay New Jersey.

  7. Ya know, they say suicide is a puss way out.. but by chainsaw?? That takes freaking balls..

    Great headlines!

    Sausage Rage – – bahahahaha!!! put that pork in your pipe and smoke it..

  8. savorthefolly Says:

    This is one of my favorite posts you’ve done in awhile….and but of course women go crazy when there is no sausage left – did you think there was any other reason?

    onto less funny news…. I heard on the radio that soldier who had that terrible adult tantrum all over the villagers in Afghanistan is now staying at your place. yay for you. I’ve actually avoided listening to the news coverage on that event because it just plain upsets me too much. but for some reason I now feel the need to write a comment about it.

  9. Surely it isn’t a healthy sign that I laughed out loud. By myself. No one to even hear me. A chainsaw?

    Going to book this page, and return to it whenever I feel sorry for myself.

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