Readers’ Rant: That Guy Part Three

I posted about “That Guy” a while back, and got some great reader commentary that fueled not one but two sequel posts (here, and here). Click them, dammit! They’re funny! Anyway, this post is now the third sequel and fourth “That Guy” post. Without further windbaggery by yours truly, a deeper examination of those fuckwits who serve merely as a warning to the rest of us:

Drive-ByLounge Lizard (Jamie): This retarded version of That Guy thinks he is the shizzle, and will creep along in his Yugo sporting his very best polyester pantsuit while thumping out Neil Diamond. His goal: to entice you ladies into his Lovemobile and back to his LovePit. A catcall through a permanently-rolled-down window gets your attention. Get in the Yugo, and he’ll be demanding that you put the lotion in the basket later that night.

All Me (Laurie – no link): All Me is a vile office lurker who will unashamedly claim everyone’s work as their success, even though they only typed the coversheet for the report and punched it for the binder. This assclown would be tolerable, but the incessant complaints spewing from his/her piehole about how difficult it is and how hard they work push this creature to the front of the mercy euthanasia line.

High Gamer (John “No-Blog” Erickson): This version of That Guy is a professional gamer of the polyhedral dungeon dice variety. He knows hit point systems and rules of engagement for a plethora of games. Even better, he hasn’t let his nagging habit for booze or ganja slow him down one bit. In fact, they often seem to raise his game. This dude will destroy your half-elf paladin while giving you a contact high that will make light up the next urinalysis like a christmasfuckingtree.

Speaker Sharer (JadedHeart): If you hate the Cell Shouter, his/her evil twin will also twist your berries. Not only does the Speaker Sharer let you in on one side of the cell conversation, s/he will pop that speakerphone option and pump up the volume so the whole bus can hear the backside. You never knew discussion of test results could be that entertaining, did you?

The Slurper (Mr. Ed): The Slurper is an office denizen who sits in the next cubicle and assaults you with audio of his moistest eating habits. Soup, chili, or a big warm bucket of nacho cheese, he’s letting you know the trough is open and it’s feeding time. Listen carefully, because you might just hear the ramen noodles slapping his jiggly jowls as they’re sucked into the wet maw of death.

Once again, my thanks to the creativity of my readers for these now three Reader Rants, which clearly illustrate the saying, “None of us is as smart as all of us” … or some shit like that.

24 Responses to “Readers’ Rant: That Guy Part Three”

  1. We have a Slurper at my workplace. Makes me with I could develop the Sith choke-hold just so I could deal with him properly.

  2. whiteladyinthehood Says:

    Your friends definitely have some good ones! These are great!

  3. John Erickson Says:

    I love your write-up of my humble contribution – there, but for the use of weed, went I! 😀 There is also the guy, whose name comes from the gaming world, but who transcends disciplines – the rules lawyer. This is the guy who will claim (for instance, in Car Wars) that you can stuff a 120mm gun AND a V-12 engine into a Yugo, because there is no rule that specifically forbids that. In air travel, he’s the jagoff who cuts into the head of the “needing assistance” boarding line, because he needs his laptop AND his briefcase AND his satchel AND another dozen pieces of luggage, then will take up 5 overhead bins with all his crap. “Well, nobody said I could NOT do that!”. In small gaming sessions, this guy is a complete (to use your terminology) fucktard, but at gaming cons, he can serve as great entertainment when his fellow gamers try to pummel him dead with Dungeon Master’s Guide books!
    Not that I ever did anything violent at a convention… 😉

  4. another wonderful installment of life’s sewage.

  5. There seems to more of “those guys” than “not those guys” walking around.

  6. Hate the Slurper. Hate the Slurper. How many of those jumbo foot tall drinks do I have to knock over – it’s empty, it’s empty – there’s noooooothing left.

  7. The 2 guys I hate the most are “Mr. Right” & “Mr. Talk Over You”!
    Mr. Right will fight to the death to prove he was right, even if it’s only about whether it was 6 hours ago or 5.75 hours ago.
    Mr. Talk Over You doesn’t let you get your opinion out before he’s making his next point. He’s taken the first 2 words out of your mouth & is making a whole argument about them. Needless to say Mr. Talk Over You has a loud voice too so he drowns you out.

  8. Any time you can sneak ‘polyhedral’into the conversation is a good time.

  9. Say what you want but my Yugo has gotten me through thick and thin.

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