Readers’ Rant: That Guy Part Three
I posted about “That Guy” a while back, and got some great reader commentary that fueled not one but two sequel posts (here, and here). Click them, dammit! They’re funny! Anyway, this post is now the third sequel and fourth “That Guy” post. Without further windbaggery by yours truly, a deeper examination of those fuckwits who serve merely as a warning to the rest of us:
Drive-ByLounge Lizard (Jamie): This retarded version of That Guy thinks he is the shizzle, and will creep along in his Yugo sporting his very best polyester pantsuit while thumping out Neil Diamond. His goal: to entice you ladies into his Lovemobile and back to his LovePit. A catcall through a permanently-rolled-down window gets your attention. Get in the Yugo, and he’ll be demanding that you put the lotion in the basket later that night.
All Me (Laurie – no link): All Me is a vile office lurker who will unashamedly claim everyone’s work as their success, even though they only typed the coversheet for the report and punched it for the binder. This assclown would be tolerable, but the incessant complaints spewing from his/her piehole about how difficult it is and how hard they work push this creature to the front of the mercy euthanasia line.
High Gamer (John “No-Blog” Erickson): This version of That Guy is a professional gamer of the polyhedral dungeon dice variety. He knows hit point systems and rules of engagement for a plethora of games. Even better, he hasn’t let his nagging habit for booze or ganja slow him down one bit. In fact, they often seem to raise his game. This dude will destroy your half-elf paladin while giving you a contact high that will make light up the next urinalysis like a christmasfuckingtree.
Speaker Sharer (JadedHeart): If you hate the Cell Shouter, his/her evil twin will also twist your berries. Not only does the Speaker Sharer let you in on one side of the cell conversation, s/he will pop that speakerphone option and pump up the volume so the whole bus can hear the backside. You never knew discussion of test results could be that entertaining, did you?
The Slurper (Mr. Ed): The Slurper is an office denizen who sits in the next cubicle and assaults you with audio of his moistest eating habits. Soup, chili, or a big warm bucket of nacho cheese, he’s letting you know the trough is open and it’s feeding time. Listen carefully, because you might just hear the ramen noodles slapping his jiggly jowls as they’re sucked into the wet maw of death.
Once again, my thanks to the creativity of my readers for these now three Reader Rants, which clearly illustrate the saying, “None of us is as smart as all of us” … or some shit like that.