Auto Topic: How Will Our Use Of Technology Change In Five Years?

This gem of an AutoTopic was too good to pass up because it seemed to me that a lot of what I tend to rant about here leads back to either technology or the dillholes that use it. So this helps narrow the focus a bit for me.

But seriously, Mr. AutoTopic Writer Guy (I meant that in a completely non-gender-specific way), five years? Come on, you retard, shit just doesn’t change enough in five years to be that dramatic. I vote for a longer time period here. Anyone second? Fuck it, this is my island, so I’m going for a range between twenty and fifty years. I figure that is about the expected range of years in which you all can expect to be rid of me.

So taking my improved approach, here are my thoughts:

Phones: We’re all walking around staring at them constantly now, so in the future we’ll suddenly stop doing that because someone will find a way to put a bluetooth inside your head. This will take ‘not paying attention’ to entirely new epic levels.

Music: They will find a cure for Justin Bieber. Sadly, they will then discover he may have metastized. Someone will come up with a better music format than digital, and the RIAA will still be suing everyone in sight for copyright infringement. They still will be unsuccessful. Rap will be replaced by something even more unpalatable, and you all will hear my audible scream the first time I hear a Disturbed song on an oldies-format station.

Internet: Porn will still be the primary content on the internet. No real change here, except it will be faster than ever, available everywhere, and in 3D. People will still be sending money and bank account information to Nigeria expecting to get $2 million back.

Media: Cable service will be replaced by the Internet, and instead of paying a monthly fee for phone, broadband and cable with 500 worthless channels, you’ll pay twice as much for phone and internet only, but get thousands of channels with even more worthless content. And porn. People will quickly learn that watching shit in 3D doesn’t make the shit any more bearable.

Cars: Eventually the alliance between big oil and Detroit will be discovered, and we’ll actually be able to buy electric cars that work. Of course, they’ll be so quiet that there will be disturbing upward trend in electric car and cell-phone implant related accidents as phone zombies walk off curbs and get tagged by ultra-silent cars.

Medicine: Science will crack the code on cancer and many other nasty conditions. The new #1 killer in America will be walking while texting in your head, followed closely by porn-related traffic deaths.

I’m not sure my vision of the future is better or not. Seems like a trade-off in many ways, but then again, who am I to say?


28 Responses to “Auto Topic: How Will Our Use Of Technology Change In Five Years?”

  1. whiteladyinthehood Says:

    Let me consult my psychic powers… are very close to the mark on these points..(laughed my ass of about the Disturbed line…and 3D porn? eeeww..)

  2. Two words: functional lightsaber (at least, I hope.)

  3. I sure hope they find a cure for bieber before he spreads!

    • Yep. But the real problem is use of the word ‘baby’ as the 90% content of a song’s lyrics. But yeah, gay haircut boy needs exterminated.

  4. a better question would be : How did our use of technology change in the Last five years. What changes did our lives see since 2007? not much I would say, other than the iphone and other smart phone technology

  5. I will be happy with technology and feel it has excelled when I have a button in my car that zots the a’hole that cut me off in traffic and drives like a stoned snail.

  6. In a past blog I wrote of stupidity carrying the death penalty. If enough of these distracted space-takers get killed, there’ll be more of everything for folks like us, who can, and do, think.

    Feel free to borrow any tiny gem I manage to spit out. I think me borrowing from you runs about three to one.

  7. Here’s a wonderful dystopian vision for the future you might enjoy:

    Don’t worry about the length (30 mins). It’s broken up into segments so you can get more and more disenchanted whenever you have a couple extra minutes.

  8. “… you all will hear my audible scream the first time I hear a Disturbed song on an oldies-format station” Oh I am so with you on this! Made me laugh though, so thanks for that. 😉

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