Studying My Sleep – The Ongoing Saga

I’ve related other key points along the way of this bizarre journey of discovery related to the fact that I snore. Apparently, I don’t just snore a little, and ultimately this problem could impact my long-term health. This part was news to me. So the latest installment of this experience I enjoyed last night being fitted for this CPAP device that essentially will force air down my gullet and prevent me from sonically disrupting several counties’ worth of sleepers every night.

At this point I’ll note that I’ve been there and done that regarding this adventure before, and up until now had not progressed past the point of trying out the CPAP for an entire night. Flashing back to 2008, I was cooped up in a local VA hospital that was creepy as fuck and reminded me of some old B-grade horror flick where people were stalked by little shiny balls equipped with flip-out knives. Anyway, that trial ended at about 0200 (local) when I’d got fed up to the point of ripping the CPAP mask off and stalking out. I told them it was like sleeping in a gas mask. It was, and I’d know.

To flash forward to now, the experience was not unpleasant, though of course they had to wire me up all Matrix style again with these wads of goo to glue the electrodes on my shiny melon. This device just rides in my nostrils and doesn’t involve a lot of short-bus-kid headgear. I think I’ll be able to get used to that much more easily, and I’m guessing I can roll over and sleep on my side, which is necessary for me just because. Plus, once I build up nostril calluses, folks will assume I do epic piles of coke every day, which should make relating to them easier since they won’t be sitting there trying to figure out precisely what the fuck is wrong with me.

Inexplicably, I dreamed about my cat during this event. If you can call it an event. Anyway, totally non-sequitur comment, but it does make me wonder what all this equipment will do dream-wise. I’m thinking it will be three major themes or minor variations of:

  • A) Snorkeling
  • B) Being a Matrix battery-pod person
  • C) Snorkeling while being a Matrix battery-pod person

So there you have it. Next up in this adventure is some homey coming by to instruct me on how to use the actual CPAP, which ought to be entertaining since I look a whole lot dumber than I actually am. Not by much, but noticeably so. Oh, and a return visit to the sleep doctor to make sure I’m not screwing everything up completely, which is not completely out of the question.

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27 Responses to “Studying My Sleep – The Ongoing Saga”

  1. Just think of it as an all-nighter in an oxygen bar. Pretty trendy. I’m thinking your dreams will become richer, more vivid, and possibly quite wild, now that your stage 4 sleep cycle will be better indulged. Looking forward to the material that oughtta generate on your posts!

  2. I’m the worst kind of snorer. I snore, but I HATE IT when other people snore. I absolutely cannot sleep if someone is snoring, and start taking it personally. That old story about John Wesley Harding shooting a man just for snoring? I hear that anecdote and think, “Totally, dude.”

    Yet I snore. So it goes.

  3. Get them to add a wire to record your dreams.
    Love to see the Matirx battery-pod snorkeling.

    You know they have the technology for it…

  4. Matrix Battery-Pod snorkeling should be an Olympic sport. And that sucks regarding the snoring. Maybe somebody could find a way to convert it into kilowatt hours.

  5. The title of this made me think that you literally have your own “Twilight Saga”. And you’ve traded in vampires for Matrix bots somewhere along the line…

  6. LMAO @ nose calluses!

    I had a similar experience for sleep apnoea. Wired to the max, in a far-too-well-lit room with one way glass – some perky lil nurse breezes in and says: “now relax and get some sleep so we can test you” ..

    Lucky for her I was wired to the bed and couldn’t thump her ..

  7. According to my husband I am the worst snorer ever – so I guess my next step is to the sleep clinic too! I just don’t think I could sleep with that huge machine on my face PLUS I’m a side sleeper – how does that work?

    • You need to look into it. There are serious long-term effects from not hitting REM sleep enough, and I’m being completely serious right now.

  8. You’re going to take your Darth Vader machine to Big-A with you, aren’t you? Wouldn’t want to keep those poor Al-Qaeda awake.

  9. whiteladyinthehood Says:

    Well, if it improves your long-term health and you get a good nights sleep – maybe the new device won’t be so bad. Maybe some cool dreams will be a perk.

  10. There is this new device they have been advertising down here in Florida. It looks like a mouth guard. Apparently it moves the jaw forward a bit to stop your snoring. Less cumbersome than a CPAP. I’ll send you the link next time I hear it advertised.

  11. […] you have lots of time, click these in order from left to right and read: Here, here, here, and here. I arranged those all chronologically and shit. Just for you, […]

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